Increased drive but DH not that interested in my pleasure

[MinesaBottle]

so. For most of our marriage (15 years) I’ve not had much of a sex drive, due to antidepressants and also to his expectations at the beginning that sex always be a marathon. It’s also taken me a long time to figure out what I enjoy. So a lot of our sex has been quickies, which can be great, but I think we’ve both got too used to it. Now I’m in my 50s (he is 60) and perimenopausal my drive has increased plus I’m much more confident about what I want, but his drive is diminishing plus he doesn’t really care about my pleasure.

I need to feel wanted and desired, like I’m all he can think about at that moment, and that he enjoys me enjoying myself, like I enjoy his pleasure. But even with something like oral he just does it because he likes doing it, but doesn’t do it in a consistent way that will get me to orgasm (ie, he keeps changing technique or stopping and doing something else just when it’s starting to feel really good).

I might ask or tell him to do something I like (it can just be something like ‘keep doing that, don’t stop’) and he sometimes gets arsy about me ‘barking orders’ - I don’t mean it in a bossy way, but I am quite a verbal person and the urgency and asking or telling my partner what I would like is a turn-on for me. I’ve tried to explain this to him but he says maybe we’re not compatible then - despite compatibility not seeming to be a problem when things are going the way he likes.

He doesn’t like talking during sex at all, and it’s as if he thinks we should just somehow know what the other wants. I’ve tried to be less verbal and to ask rather than tell but it’s still not enough.

I know I can masturbate, but that’s not always what I want; I want sex and closeness and to be desired and seduced. When we try to talk about it, it never goes anywhere because he just isn’t willing to discuss it apart from saying it must be his age, or that he’s used to quickies and not used to my wanting more pleasure.

He doesn’t really enjoy watching me get off either, earlier when we were having sex I suggested I use my vibrator and he could help and his response was basically ‘what’s in it for me?’

It’s really upsetting me. Everything else in our marriage is great. I already feel less desirable due to peri and aging, and this isn’t really helping my self-esteem, plus I don’t want my husband to feel bad because I love him! I really don’t want to end it but sometimes I do wonder about what sex could be like with someone else who desired me and wasn’t shy about showing it.

Sounds like he’s a bit selfish and is just concerned about his own pleasure?
from a males point of view I’d like to be told what to do or how you like it so that I can help you achieve the best orgasm I could give.
my sex life has withered away and id do anything to assist with a vibrator if it meant giving pleasure to my partner and maintaining some intimacy

I suppose we’ve both got a bit complacent over the years. I just wish he was as eager as I am to do something about it!

It’s very frustrating isn’t it, maybe try and go away for a nice weekend together?

When we had a good sex life I could never resist nice lingerie or a surprise encounter, maybe try be a bit spontaneous and just start something when not expected and see if it leads to the bedroom?

Thanks, but it’s not really about the frequency, more the quality. He doesn’t seem bothered about my pleasure.

I get that.. maybe trying to spice things up might make him want to satisfy you though? I know when my partner would do stuff like that for me I’d want to make sure I pleasured her more than ever

Does he make you orgasm?

you’re happy with the frequency which I guess is a start.

Not really; although I’ve never found it that easy. I always feel like he gets bored if I don’t come and he doesn’t seem to enjoy my enjoyment, if you see what I mean, not that it’s a turnoff for him but he doesn’t get much out of it.

I know you’re trying to be helpful but I don’t think that’s the problem. I do try to ‘spice things up’, the issue is he doesn’t seem to care about my pleasure and doesn’t really want to talk about it

If he hasn’t really made you orgasm in 15 years, and doesn’t seem interested in your pleasure, doesn’t like your directing him and doesn’t like you introducing toys… that’s a massive mountain to climb. And if his libido is dropping off now he’s 60 plus it sounds like he doesn’t want to.

i guess you have a lot of thinking to do

Yeah, I know…I guess I should’ve spoken up years ago but it’s only recently I’ve found my confidence sexually.

He’s fine with my using toys, but not usually when we’re together as he doesn’t get much out of it. I thought most men love to watch their partner enjoy themselves but mine only seems interested if he’s getting something out of it. As for directing, I know not everyone likes to talk much during sex but surely no one can object to being asked to do something or told not to stop?

I feel like we were a lot more compatible sexually when most of the pleasure was his, now I want to enjoy it more too it’s like he’s uncomfortable with it. I know he loves me but sometimes it feels like I could be anyone during sex.

Also - just to add - I’ve had a few PMs from people, if you want to give advice please do so here, openly. I don’t answer PMs and I am not looking to have an affair, thanks!

Urghhh- report!

I'm giving this a bump for you. I’ve never experienced a man having no interest in my pleasure but hopefully others can help!

Thank you 😀god, some people will try it on any time!! I have been talking to my husband and I think we’re making a bit of progress, I think I’m going to suggest therapy and see what he says.

I had this when I posted a while ago on this thread. I naively (new here) answered a few and it got creepy real quick! What is with these men??! Just because we are interested in maximizing mutual pleasure with our partners doesn't mean we are gagging for it with random men on an anonymous forum!

And, OP, I'm sorry I have no advice but I agree, it sucks to not have your pleasure be front and center for your partner (as his is for you, I'm sure). Hope you find a way through to each other.

That sounds like a positive step forward. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

OP, is he interested in your happiness in other areas of life? Or only if it impacts him? I am not sure you can make someone unselfish. Have you ever been to a counsellor together ? It may help.

How was the "not much of a sex drive" handled in the past 15 years? Because if I was frustrated for 15 years with lack of sex, I would not be willing to do my partner any favours if he suddenly woke up and wanted more sex.
(I'm a woman btw).

I think you need to re-read what OP said. Was on antidepressants for most of those 15 years and as they have aged, the husbands sex drive has waned. She self pleasures but its not the same for her, she is after the connection and sexual consistency.

Well isn't it exactly the same as it was for the husband, just the roles are reversed now?

I see the point you're making now... like there may be built up resentment in the husband's mind due to 15 years or minimal sex. Now that the OP wants it, there is a mismatch in desire and appreciation. Did I get your point correctly?

Yes, but I think the resentment is on both sides. The posts read in a very negative way. There's nothing positive about the husband, just the criticism. So to me it reads very selfish: "I was on the antidepressants so I didn't have the drive, now I do and I want him to step up and he doesn't do the things in the way I want them so it's all his fault and I have needs and I have the right for him to meet them etc etc". But maybe, simply, they're just not compatible?

Now that I reread it in that context, you are right. They should have an open and honest conversation about it and there needs to be empathy from both sides. Both sides are handling this situation poorly.