Husband foreplay

[Bella1905]

If my husband wants sex (usually before bed at night) he will suddenly start touching me down below. I really struggle as I usually don’t already feel turned on and that doesn’t do it for me…I would much rather start with kisses or cuddles or stroking or whatever to get me in the mood. I don’t know what is normal for others though but I have tried saying what I’d like but he just never seems to make the effort and I sort of just end up feeling like a piece of meat and not really worth making the effort for. It just doesn’t feel sexy. I feel like we’ve been married for so long though I don’t know what is normal and if I should just let him get on with it and learn to feel more comfortable with it and if that’s normal for other couples too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sadly I think it probably is "normal" for some other couples, especially those who have been together a long time. But what you're describing is essentially sexual abuse. He's touching you without your consent, in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and has ignored you when you have tried to communicate with him 😞 that's not okay.

That’s AWFUL I’m so sorry

He shouldnt touch you in this way.

I don't know if it's a "normal" way to start foreplay. Each couple have their own thing, I guess. But what is definitely not normal is that he didn't listen to you when you told him your don't like it and that he doesn't respect your boundaries. His behaviour had no place in a loving marriage.

This is NOT sexual abuse.
When you understand real sexual abuse, you'll know this is not it.
It's unlikely he's reaching for your crotch in order to make you feel bad. It's more likely he doesn't know better and it's in his interest to learn the foreplay that works for you.

We don't know what the rest of your relationship is like, in or out of the bedroom, what your respective sexual histories have taught you, or how well the two of you communicate. And that's what you need to do now. If he is doing something that doesn’t work for you, you need to communicate that to him in a way that will be received positively and it needs to be done well away from the bedroom, when sex isn't likely to happen. (Car journey, walk in the country, etc) He needs to know he's doing what you don't like, but without feeling like he's being vilified, and then he needs to understand that doing what you do like could mean he gets more of what he wants.

Good luck.

Porn seems to have made men think all they need to do is 'grab 'em by the pussy' and stick it in women are ready to go 🙄

Agreed this is not sexual abuse, it sounds like poor communication. The OP doesn't mention she has told her husband no, just that it doesn't do it for her. If she said "I don't want you to do that" and he continues to intentionally do that, then yes. The only way to solve it is to have this exact conversation with him directly, again. It sounds rubbish, probably for both of you and should just need a firmer conversation, show him, direct him, if he starts just doing what you described tell him in the moment that it doesn't do it for you and I'm sure he will then listen.
Obviously if he is touching you when you are requesting him to not touch you, that is a different conversation. But this sounds like someone being crap in bed rather than abuse to me

If she's told him it doesn't do it for her then why the hell would he continue? That IS her saying she doesn't want him to do that.
She's told him she doesn't like him doing that yet he still does it so why is that?
How many times do you think she should say she doesn't want him doing that before it tips over into abuse?
And who died and made you the arbiter of whether OP is being abused?
You're not there so you don't know him intention and nor do I.
All I know is she's said she doesn't want him grabbing at her like that and he's still doing it. And yes, he sounds shit in bed.

No but I've read it properly and you've just made stuff up? Her post does not say 'I do not like him doing that and I've asked him to stop'. It says 'it doesn't really do it for me'. They are entirely different.
If my wife started touching me and it was a bit crap and not turning me on, and I suggested the way to do it and it still felt the same and was a bit crap...that would not be her sexually abusing me, that would just be her being crap. If I said stop this now and she continued, that would be sexual abuse.
I'm just interpreting how it reads to me, nobody died that's correct and the poster has not said she feels sexually abused by her husband.

I'm not there, you are correct, I don't know who these people are, I'm merely reading some paragraphs of text.

out of interest, how do things progress when you initiate on your terms/in your preferred way?

Do you not understand the nuance of "It doesn't do it for me"?
If your partner says that to you why would you continue doing something to her that she says she's not into?
That means stop. Don't you get that?

Or does a woman physically have to say NO before a man stops touching her in a way that she doesn't like?
She's told him she's getting nothing from it so continuing to grab her like that certainly isn't for her pleasure is it?
It's very much abuse and if you can't see that then I worry for your partner.

ha wow, I won't retaliate but rather than you say the OP is being sexually abused by her husband, instead of simply enduring a low quality sexual experience, let's just leave it to the OP to expand on her thoughts shall we. If she agree's her husband is sexually abusing her then you are 100% correct my friend

He sounds a bit clueless to me, as well as selfish. Has he ever been caring and thoughtful? Maybe you both need to start again to find out what each other like and dislike. This does change as you go through life.
For those of you old enough do you remember "The Lover's Guide" from the 90s ? A basic guide to satisfying sex. I don't know if it's still available but it might be worth a watch.
Good luck.

It’s not sexual abuse, he just a bit clueless and selfish, but unless OP has told him to stop , and he still carries on, which I don’t think she has said this is the case, then he’s just a bit of a horny idiot.

My OH will initiate things by touching me down below whilst we are watching tv and it absolutely works for us. But every couple is different. We kind of have a ‘free use ‘ sex life and although I’m sure most on MN will find it a bit grim, it works for us brilliantly.

OP, it sounds as you need to make it clearer to him what you do and don’t like, and even more so tell him to stop doing the things you dislike and point him in the right direction to things you DO like.

Its not sexual abuse no but its dissrespectful behaviour of his wife, it surely should be loving, kind, leading to consensual intimacy not grabbing of her crotch.
.

It may be common, what your husband does, but it's in no way 'normal'.
He's selfish, inconsiderate, lazy and clearly he doesn't value your sexual pleasure at all.

Now, the only way to deal with selfish people, is to make sure they lose out when they don't behave as they should.
Right now you're still going along with him, OP. So he gets to make zero effort, do exactly what he wants and make zero space for what you want, and he still gets to have sex with you.
As soon as he learns that sex only happens if he puts in the effort, he'll start making that effort. But you're making it far too easy on him to stay selfish.

I wouldnt let him have any sexual contact until her changed his ways

Buy him a copy of the Joy of Sex, because his understanding and attitude seems based in the 1970's...and he might learn!

He sounds like a selfish man