Husband searching for pics of naked women online

[cherryjam2]

Whilst using my husbands phone to order something I stumbled across his search history and found that he has been searching for naked pictures of women online. This hurt me and made me feel really bad about myself. My husband hasn’t seen me fully naked in years as I am very self conscious about myself. Should I be worried about him looking at other women? He doesn’t know I saw his search history.

Men like looking at naked women…this wouldn’t worry me if he’s just looking.

We’re all different though - is it crossing a boundary for you or is it triggering your worries about being naked in front of him?

@Osirusyes it makes me feel worse about myself and makes me want to hide away even more. He has a ‘type’ he likes to look at and im
nothing like that.

I honestly don't believe anyone stumbles across porn in their partner's search history.

In the majority of browsers, it takes at least a couple of quite specific mouse clicks or a specific keyboard shortcut to open search history and then, unless you've ended up there almost immediately, you'll need to do some deliberate scrolling to find what you didn't want to see.

If you're looking through your partner's web history for porn, there's probably a reason and it's probably not because you trust your partner and everything else in your relationship is peachy. And if it's not, those are more important questions to address than examining whether it's normal for a man to look at porn as a substitute for a relationship that isn't what he really wants either.

@mnmndddddI understand what you’re saying about having to go through a lot of mouse clicks to find history but it was right there (he must have forgot to delete it)

I think it's normal. I admit to looking at pictures of women myself occasionally ( I'm a woman married to a man). It doesn't mean I don't fancy my husband or would cheat, it's a fantasy.
I don't think anyone is going to feel great knowing what or who their partner gets off to but it's one of those things that is private and personal and no one has the right to dictate to the other what material they can and can't be aroused by. If he's not seeing you naked or having sex with you then he's going to look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment and online pictures is pretty tame. I think this kind of stuff is only really an issue if someone is choosing it over having sex with their partner.

@GigiAnnnaThanks that’s a great way of putting it. We do have sex but he doesn’t see me naked!

Agree with a lot of this. It’s an issue if it’s affecting your intimacy with him.

the main thing I would say is to build up your own confidence so that if he’s looking at porn it doesn’t dent your confidence (why should it- you’re amazing!)

@Gymbunny2025 Haha thanks, but you haven’t seen me! Not a nice sight especially naked 🤢 and when he’s looking at pics online it makes me feel worse!

I'm sure your husband loves and fancies you the way you are and would like to see more of your body.

I did.

My XH handed me his phone to Google something we were discussing beginning with f.

I typed the f.

XHs page on fabswingers auto filled into the search bar.

I clicked on the link. You can guess what I found.

It wasn't long after he changed from DH to XH.

@OfcourseitsaNCoh that’s awful sorry to hear that! I bet that was a shock!

Thanks @cherryjam2 It was a huge shock.

A long time ago now, so I've moved on.

But I wasn't looking for what I found at all, despite what @mnmnddddd incorrectly believes. I'm certain that it's the case for others like you too who weren't looking for a partners porn use, but stumbled across it.

OP, the way you speak about yourself is utterly shocking and quite frankly disturbing.
You may feel justified to be disgusted by your appearance, but that's part of the problem. You really shouldn't be feeling this way about yourself. The fact that you do, is part of a bigger psychological self-esteem problem. No one with a healthy self-esteem speaks about themself the way you do.

The underlying problem is not going to go away by controlling the behaviour of the people around you. The underlying problem lies within you, and is within your control to fix - although it will likely take therapy to get there.

Once you have a healthy self esteem, then we can re-evaluate how threatened you are by pictures of naked women. And I'll go even further. Once you allow normal intimacy back into your marriage, meaning not just the bare minimum of sex but also feeling comfortable showing your naked body to your husband, then we'll see whether your husband even still feels the need to look at other women online.

@Girlmom35tbh I think disturbing is probably a bit over the top! I think most of us have some quarms about ourselves that we can’t stand and feel ashamed about especially after having children! Yes it is a self esteem problem but the situation is made worse when your husband is looking at other women and you don’t look anything like those women he’s looking at! Is there such a thing as normal intimacy? Everyone does things differently and what might be normal to one person isn’t normal to the next person

My reply comes from both my experience as a psychologist ánd an overweight mother of two children whose body has gone through drastic changes since pregnancy.

Yes, I stand by what I said. The words you use to describe yourself are disturbing. Problematic. Unhealthy. If any one of my clients used those words to describe themselves, I would make body image and self esteem a top priority in their therapy sessions.
The fact that you seem taken aback by what I've said and that you're trying to justify and normalise what you've said about yourself tells me how deeply your negative body image has been ingrained in you.

Of course everyone has things about themselves they'd like to change, inclusing me. I'd love to wake up tomorrow and not have a belly pouch, to not look like I'm 5 months pregnant while I'm actually 4 years post-partum. I would also love to make my hair thicker and my flappy arms tighter. And despite all of those things, I would not hide my naked body from my partner, I proudly look at myself in the mirror, I dress for my size and shape and show off the things I love about my body. I would never, ever, use a vomiting emoji to refer to my own body. I am not disgusted by my body. I don't assume my husband's disgusted by my body. Those things... they are disturbing.
Imagine if one of your children would talk this way about their body. How would you feel?

When I refer to normal intimacy, I don't mean to imply that there are certain actions which should be done by everyone, and certain actions that no one should be doing.
Normal intimacy is the kind that doesn't get hindered by your own personaly psychological issues. It's the kind of intimacy where you can be yourself, your partner can be yourself, and shame, disgust, inhibitions, don't play a part.
And yes, this will result in very different things for very different couples.
But I statement I'm very willing to make, is that when your self esteem is so dramatically bad that your husband hasn't been allowed to see you naked in years, that's not normal. That means your self esteem is dramatically impacting the intimacy between you.

People, not just men but people in general, don't just want sex for the sake of having mechanical sex. And most people won't get the same enjoyment from sex in the dark or half dressed with a partner who's ashamed of their body.
Have you considered that he's not watching those pictures because of the attractiveness of the women on them, but because of their pride, their willingness to stand there naked and show themselves as they are? And just maybe he's watching that because he'd really love to see you that way and he hasn't been allowed to in years?

Gently OP I agree with @Girlmom35. Obviously you can have whatever boundaries you like, and if him looking at porn is unacceptable to you, you can ask him for a divorce. But either way you really should look into your own issues. Sounds like a psychologist (not psychopath autocorrect!!) may be the way to go!

@Girlmom35why is it not normal for him to not see me naked in years? I don’t need to see him naked. We have sex and we are close (as in hugs etc) but I don’t understand the massive deal about seeing me naked!?

He's your sexual partner. No disrespect, it might work for you but it isn't " normal". The visuals play a part of arousal. Most men are aroused by their woman's boobs, bums and bits. If he's not, or if you don't care that he's not, then that's another issue. I do think it's normal to have qualms around your body image. I've had 4 kids and I don't like my middle area but I enjoy sex too much to let that stop me and my husband fancies me regardless. He's got a bit of a belly but I couldn't care less.

I don't want to be too critical OP but a man who hasn't seen a naked woman in years is going to look at naked women online. Its bad enough not seeing it in the flesh, the very least is viewing women online.

I hope you come to realise that your husband probably adores your body and you should have absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

You're picking one part of a very elaborate post, reacting to that because you disagree, and are expecting the rest of the post with very valid concerns to thereby go away.

Listen, I understand that my reply may not be what you were hoping for on this forum. You posted in outrage over your husbands online business and are now being confronted with having to reflect on yourself. I understand that's confronting and uncomfortable.

However, my motivating to make my post wasn't to create discomfort, but to stimulate critical thinking and growth. Because as a plus size mother myself, it makes me sad that women who look just like me go through life hating themselves and their bodies. And I genuinely think you deserve better than to feel that way about yourself.

So I'm going to reply again and stand by my previous posts.
I did not say "everyone should be naked with their partner every time they have sex because that is normal"
I said "Normal intimacy is the kind that doesn't get hindered by your own personaly psychological issues"

What that means is having the freedom to choose. Not to be restricted by your insecurities, your inhibitions, your anxiety.
Being able to choose to stay fully dressed because you find it arousing is a whole different thing to staying dressed because you're ashamed of your body. Having a partner who's turned on by seeing you half dressed and choosing to go along with that, is completely different from lying to yourself and pretending your partner shouldn't care about seeing you naked and should be content either way. You are trying to convince yourself that nudity is not important to a healthy sex life and that's just absurd. A hundred thousand years of evolution and all of scientific research disagrees with you.

What's happening now is that your own insecurities are dictating what can and can't happen in your sex life. You have lost the freedom to choose, because your self esteem issues have become a prison for your intimate life with your husband.

The day you wake up and feel that you are free to stay dressed or get undressed, and the choice is determined by what you find arousing or what your husband finds arousing, that's when intimacy becomes normal again.
Restricting yourself and your husband because of your insecurities, that's what's not normal.

So again, stop fixating on whether it can be normal to have sex dressed or in the dark. It can be, when that's the thing that arouses you. It's completely abnormal to do that only because you don't want to face your insecurities. And it's also completely unfair to unilaterally decide that your sex life gets reduced to this, give your husband no say in this at all, and then get upset when he looks at pictures online.

@Girlmom35well that’s me told off! 🤣

A man who is married to Margot Robbie will still like seeing naked women. Please don’t look too much into it. I love my wife, we have good sex I would not cheat or “fancy” anyone else. But I love watching porn on my phone and seeing beautiful naked women

@JohnBoltonFamilyMan Is your wife happy with this? Or do you love her so much you keep it secret?

@JohnBoltonFamilyMani was going to ask the same, would your wife feel hurt knowing that you are looking at other women or maybe feel that she’s not enough/ compare them to herself?

I guess it depends. If we weren’t intimate on a regular basis, probably. But she knows I find her attractive, and without sounding crude, she only has to bend over to pick something and I’m there! In that situation I would be open about porn etc and it’s not an issue. Having said that, she did suffer from post natal depression after both kids and that did affect our sex life. In those periods she may not have been as laid back