Difficulty climaxing

[Barcalove]

I am a 50 year old peri-menopausal woman and am rediscovering my sexual desire after a decade of near celibacy (childbirth + toxic partnership)

I am having- in the main - joyful and exploratory sex with a variety of male partners. I experience intense arousal frequently but I am finding it really really difficult to tip over the edge.

I am a sex positive person and have been thinking maybe I am just built a bit differently to everyone else...

But....I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong? Or am I just out of practice?! Looking back on it sex in my 20s and 30s was adequate and I didn't fully explore my pleasure but I did climax.

I take HRT patches + oestrogen + testogel.
I am fit and eat healthily
My vagina is not dry but is definitely a lot larger than it used to be:)
I have a high libido

A vibrator does the trick which is fine. But with partnered sex it is tricky.

It's beginning to get me down. Any insights or advice appreciated.

Could you use a vibrator during sex if that works?

If I have a penis inside me the vibrator doesn't have the same effect - I'm working on it but it's a lot of effort for some reason and a bit touch and go!

I get very aroused via a variety of different methods but then can't actually climax.

I would play around with different positions and vibes- I used to have that issue but don’t anymore. Theres also a toy that you can wear inside you hands free during sex (sadly it didn’t work for me but I thought great idea)! Maybe worth a look?

Just looked it up. Wevibe website then ‘worn during sex’

Thank you. I will check it out- and try it out:)

Did you solve the issue by just finding what vibe/position worked for you? And then did you find that your options expanded after that?

I once noticed the same thing. A lot of arousal but sudden difficulty climaxing, despite having no problem climaxing ever in the past.
Decided to completely stop using any kind of stimulants during masturbation. No vibrator, no porn, nothing. Just me and my fingers.
It worked. I'm all back to normal.
Took a month or 2, which were very frustrating because I would get aroused but never managed to finish.

I think I got used to all that extra stimulation and it became a dependancy.

Yep, me too!! I think it’s a post-menopausal thing, and have done a bit of reading up.

The answers seem to be: use vaginal oestrogen, do pelvic floor exercises, use toys & plenty lube.

i have managed to get there with him, but not as often as I’d like.

And alcohol seems to really inhibit things too.

I have a lovely attentive partner, after a decade long drought, but it is frustrating. I want my orgasm back!

I’m not menopausal yet but totally agree re the alcohol comment. I very rarely drink but even a drop and I’m unable to orgasm. Had that all my life. Always surprises me when men and women talk about having a couple (or more) drinks before hand!

Personally I think it’s psychological.

When you are alone and do it yourself, and especially with mechanical stimulation, it’s easy.

When someone else is there, even if it’s so nice, you have a barrier. You hold back and put yourself under pressure, and now also deep down worry if you’re as you were, and can do it. And we all know that if you feel pressured to do it then you can’t.

I think it’s years of hiding yourself away in the toxic scenario.

If you just lie back and the guy gives you oral sex with zero pressure - might that work? Have you tried it?

@ChilledProsecco thanks for the sharing your research and sorry you are also in this frustrating situation! I am going to look into the vaginal oestrogen as that seems to be on a lot of lists!

Interesting about the alcohol! My partners are sober and I tend to be too...

@SamkaSabrinka I hadn't thought about the long lasting effects of the toxic scenario. To be honest I have done a lot of work and feel healed but maybe there are layers.... Yes oral sex does work with a committed and attentive partner but it's taking much longer than it ever used to and the actual climax can be elusive even when technique is spot on!

I have never climaxed through oral in my life, despite very attentive partners!

I was always able to climax through going on top, and often from missionary. But I guess years on my own got me used to fingers/vibrators so that’s what tends to work now. I even managed once from behind and his fingers on my clitoris - first time ever that way for me!

And it definitely a mindset/letting go thing. And at the same time it’s a bit random how it happens. But much more difficult at this age than when I was younger.