Sex life with DP feels one sided - is this sustainable?

[Academicallyminded]

My partner and I have been together for four years. I was in a toxic sexless marriage with a narcissist for 20 years before that, and my partner has been like a breath of fresh air. He is the loveliest man - kind, respectful, helpful, lovely with my DC, and very respectful and embracing of my work/space/friendships/family. I cherish my relationship with him and feel very lucky to have this chance at happiness.

We met online and instantly hit it off. The first night we slept together, a few weeks after we met in person, he had trouble with maintaining his erection, and I had a moment of thinking this isn't going to work (given the sexless marriage I had just left). But the next morning we had the most glorious sex, and for the first several months of our relationship it was like that - we couldn't get enough of each other and had sex in all kinds of places and often. He had no problem with an erection but he wouldn't often orgasm.

We have grown much closer emotionally in the last few years - gone through some challenging things at his end and mine (he lost a parent, I had a difficult divorce), and we've emerged stronger than ever.

Our sex life, however, is a bit of a puzzler to me. He is very considerate in bed (and elsewhere) so makes sure that I am 'taken care of' and I enjoy the intimacy, sex, cuddles, oral sex, very much. However, it has been quite a while since he has been able to maintain an erection, and even when he does it does not last for long. He did take viagra a few times but he gets a headache and congested the next day so isn't keen on taking it. I am not unhappy with our sex life as he is very attentive to my needs needs for sexual and emotional intimacy, but I do feel like he isn't getting much out of it (he protests that he enjoys it too but there hasn't been penetrative sex for atleast six months if not longer). I am not sure this situation is sustainable. It feels very one sided! I would like him to orgasm too, but he has only done so a few times over the four years. Even before the problems with ED became more sustained, he would rarely orgasm. For context, I am in my early 50s and he is in his late 50s. He is very fit and in great shape otherwise. Would appreciate any insights and thoughts. Thanks!

There could be a few different things causing it to be honest, I know with my DH he struggles with past traumas which makes maintaining an erection tricky at times, or he won’t often orgasm. Have you tried bum play with your partner to stimulate his prostate? My DH loves it. It could be worth trying sex therapy if it doesn’t improve?

Assuming he has had a recent PSA test and general health check, it could just be natural aging unfortunately- a daily low dose ED treatment like 5mg Tadalafil might help with the erections a bit more, I’m 55 and getting to orgasm doesn’t always happen the way it used to even 5 years ago 🤷🏼‍♂️

It might just be an age thing.

Sex doesn’t always have to be about penetration and if he appears happy with the situation and is a decent guy as described then I’m not sure why it is such an issue to you.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I'm not sure if he has had a recent PSA. I'll ask. Will also scope out if he is willing to explore sex therapy.

@Noreee I am not sure why it bothers me. I guess I'm worried that he will tire of the one-sided nature of our sex life. Having been in an sexless relationship for years and feeling some loss of self-esteem as a result, I guess I'm struggling to feel comfortable with a situation in which its all about my pleasure (I think)!

He does say he enjoys the intimacy and perhaps there are others things to explore for his pleasure too, as Sunkenboot suggests. I don't have a great deal of sexual experience, I was with my ex for 25 years, straight out of college, so not sure what there is to explore that might enhance his pleasure in this situation.

I completely get what you mean @Academicallyminded A big part of me getting off is my partners pleasure.
We're of similar age to you and your partner. My DP rarely orgasms through PIV but does through oral and hand jobs. Is your partner anymore responsive to that? Have you tried any toys?

When I read the title of the post I assumed it was going to be about another selfish / inconsiderate man! You seem to have the opposite here. If it's not a problem for him then don't make it a problem in your relationship.

Nothing is less likely to make someone want and enjoy sex than being pressured or treated like a problem to 'fix'. If he is telling you he is happy and enjoying sex and intimacy with you then believe him!

I speak from experience we are a couple a little older than you and have not PIV because of medical reasons for a number of years but we have different ways of sexual enjoyment. It works for us and we still manage to orgasm.
I hope that you can resolve the issue as 4 years is long time to be together and it would seem wrong to give after your divorce.

I think just remember he will be orgasming just not with you. It sounds like he’s completely happy with the set up. If you are too then there’s no issue.

Thank you all for your responses. It is helpful to have perspective on this from others in similar situations but also from men. I am very much in love with this lovely man so just want to be sure we are both getting what we need from this in terms of emotional and physical intimacy but I may well be overthinking this, as some of you have implied. He is completely happy with the set up, so I will suggest that we try a few things that are more focused on his pleasure too but be led by him on those, and take it from there. Thanks, again :)

A friend is in a similar situation, so I would be really grateful for any update and/or to know if anything has changed and what tips you might have. I am so pleased that you have found someone lovely after your earlier experience.