What makes a good sex life?

[moominmum56]

Dh and I have been together 10 years so I feel like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be with anyone else. I’ve always felt like sex between us hasn’t flowed naturally and there are a few reasons why.

He has ED issues which I know makes him feel embarrassed. He never told me about this, I found packets of Viagra in his prescription. He doesn’t like talking about it which I understand. This means sex has to be pre planned and while I’ve gotten used to this over the years and don’t really mind it, it does mean that it’s never spontaneous.

We do the same routine every single time. I enjoy it. We both reach the end goal so I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that but it is literally the same thing each time.

We only average 1-2 times a month when we get the house to ourselves. Again, my sex drive is not through the roof so this isn’t an issue as such but I still sometimes think it’d be nice to make more time for each other.

He is rubbish at communicating about sex and on the rare occasion I send a flirty text or try to talk about sex at all he clams up and doesn’t reply in any sort of reciprocal way.

I find it hard to talk to him and I’m not unhappy as such, it isn’t like the threads you read on here where couples have totally mismatched sex drives and one is very frustrated or on the verge of leaving over it. I think we are possibly both quite shy and neither dare introduce anything new, which is ridiculous after so long together. His attitude and lack of fun/communication around it puts a dampener on it for me, sometimes as if it’s just another chore for him to tick off the to do list.

I wonder if anyone has any tips on how things could maybe improve. We love each other a lot and I don’t want things to go stale(r) then they already are.

what makes a good sex life for me is being able to tell each other what you really like/want and having trust in the other person.

And this is where we are struggling but it’s not from me. I just find him very closed off about the subject of sex and it’s hard to understand why. I can’t make him communicate. I suspect a lot of it is down to his ED issues and embarrassment surrounding that which he absolutely doesn’t need to feel with me. As I’ve told him many times.

I just sometimes feel like he’s in his own head about it so much.

Maybe take one step at time to make your routine slightly different. New underwear? A sex toy? (start with something small like the little durex vibrators you can pick up from boots etc.) A bath/shower together or a massage? Sex in the lounge/kitchen? Booking a night away somewhere?

Small changes which won’t make either of you feel like things need to be drastically different but light just generate an extra spark or two.

Being able to talk about what we enjoy, would like to try etc is a big part of DH and I's sex life. We chatted around it a bit before we even had sex. We've been together 18 years nearly and though we occasionally get stuck when life is busy etc we can discuss it and make time for each other.

Low sex drive doesn't have to mean boring sex. But someone unwilling to talk about it isn't going to help change anything. I realise ED is embarrassing and inconvenient but there are plenty of other things that can be done to you and to him that don't involve the penis.

I will hold my hands up and say I’m not the most sexually confident either. I’m not one to prance around in sexy lingerie or take charge of situations. But I am open to discussing things. If I bring it up he just seems very reluctant to have a proper conversation about it which is probably why we’ve fallen into a rut.

I do feel for you , not everyone finds it easy to talk about sex.
Could you "guide"" him by moving his hand or shifting position when you are being intimate?
Maybe say a few words" let's try this? "
Hope someone comes along soon who can help!

Ask him what he enjoys. Maybe after you are next in bed, ask what he likes most and if you can do things differently.

Oh dear , not many replies

Maybe post on the sex topic of MN?
Seriously , they might have some advice.

If you're asking what he enjoys , try asking "what do you like best" .

Passion.
Flirting
Romance
innuendo
touching
silliness

as opposed to ...........

load dishwasher
put bins out
cut grass
have sex
do laundry
cook dinner

@mnhqplease could you move this to the sex board thank you.

Hi @moominmum56

Hopefully you might get more ideas from the sex people 😉

My suggestion would be he sees a Gp re ED as there could be other health improvements that would benefit you both.

For you working on your own sexual confidence would be a start. It doesn’t have to be complicated, lingerie or different positions. Confidence is sexy on its own.

Esther Perel, Emily Nagoski and Karen Gurney sent bad places to start.

Could you take it in turns, so one session is mainly focused on your pleasure, one on his. You each have to come up with ideas about what you would like during ‘your’ session and also think what you would like to do to your partner during ‘their’ session.

How long has he had D for? Has your relationship / sex life always been like this?

coming from someone who had a form of ED at a relatively young age ( mid 30’s) I can see both sides of the relationship.

for me, I felt emasculated, depressed, in fact it nearly broke me and made me withdraw from any form of sexual intimacy . Relationships broke down because of it and I then felt even more of a let down. I guess the difference with me is I talked about it, family, friends, medical people and I got the help I needed and now I am soooooo much better off because of it.

Not wanting to derail too much as this isn’t solely about the ED, but I think a lot of people underestimate the effect it can have on a man, and then in turn a relationship. Not just the physical aspects but the mental toll that comes with it.

Of course I can only speak from my experiences but I’m sure a lot of men with ED will be able to resignate…

it’s all well and good people suggesting nice lingerie and sexy texts but for me, that was a bit pointless and actually put extra pressure on me, for something that I new I couldn’t fulfill. Along with medical help I adapted, and became very good ( in my opinion! ) at using other parts of my body but it wasn’t always enough unfortunately.

PDE5’s ( viagra etc) don’t help me, but it’s good they work for your DH. Viagra has to be pre planned, you have to watch what you eat and drink and ultimately you need to WANT to have sex; it doesn’t suddenly make a dick point to 12 o clock!

Try Cialis 5 or 10mg daily. It’s stays in your system for 24 hours and it’s like having a constant supply of viagra in your system with no pre planning needed.

Because ED is all about blood flow into and out of the penis, there is quite often a routine. Often, standing up will lose an erection as will the cowgirl positions, as gravity takes over and the blood flows out of the penis. Often it’s different variations of missionary where the penis is pointed at below 90 degrees which work best.

think I have actually derailed here whilst I’m enjoying my pizza for dinner, but having read so many women blame it on themselves and so many men not taking the necessary action is infuriating!

I always say these same three things on posts like these.

1. it will not get better, for either of you . His ED will get worse, He will get to a point where PDE5’s don’t work and he will not be able to have sex. 2)if he isn’t getting night time erections, he will atrophy. No fresh blood/oxygen in his penis at night wilL mean cells die and the corpus caverns will lose elasticity, the very thing which makes an erect penis grow. I had to wait two years for my fix, I lost over 2’ but I’m so glad I got help. 3)it’s no reflection on you in any way whatsoever ever .

I did a post in January under a different username - ED, a man’s story. Have a look at it, believe it or not, it gives a lot more detail than this!

I don’t think that was a derail at all @Smithey588hopefully they both find it helpful (and you can go back to your pizza 😂)

Agree, great insight @Smithey588 . Always good to hear the man's perspective.
I often recommend following/looking at the work of two people:
Dr Karen Gurney - The Sex Doctor on Instagram & she has her own website. She's a Psychologist & works in the NHS & privately. She does some great podcasts & her most recent one was on the " Is it hot in here" menopause podcast. She gives suggested 'scripts' or ways to talk to partners about sex or how to say you want to try new things. She's also written 2 books that you can buy or get on Kindle. She explains sex & connection in really practical ways & debunks the myths about how many times a week we should be having sex!

The second person I advise following is Hello Jenny Keane on Insta. Her approach is less formal & more playful but she's recorded a set of workshops that you can buy & watch online. Some are more technique based & others are about bringing life back into your sex life, after a long time together. Well worth a look.
I hope things improve for you @moominmum56

Love Jenny Keane too @Sunshineandswimming

@Gymbunny2025 - she's great, isn't she.
Have you ever seen her demonstrate the reverse cowgirl position on Irish TV? It's brilliant - the chap she does it on looks like all his dreams have come true 🤣
Her advice was spot on, too.

Yesssss 😂

Thank you @Smithey588it is really helpful to hear it from a male perspective. I have genuinely considered a lot of what you said and I am sympathetic to the fact that ED can cause big issues with self esteem as well as the practicalities of sex.

I think what I feel aggrieved about sometimes is the lack of transparency. I understand why Dh didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about this in the early days of our relationship but in keeping secrets I inadvertently settled for a life where I wasn’t fully aware what the impact on my sex life would be. By the time we reached the point where it had become clearer to me we were already in too deep and it would have felt shallow to break up over it.

And I know dh does try. But that’s unsexy in itself. I don’t want him to have to try, I want to be wanted! I don’t think it will ever change so I guess I have to compromise and either like it or lump it.

OMG I’ve just seen this! Love it! Going to have to test it later 😂

You seem lovely and I have no doubt you are sympathetic towards your DH.

communication is key though, in any relationship but especially in a situation like yours. Men generally speaking don’t talk about sex, they feel embarrassed but often it’s also because they don’t know the consequences and the options available to them. If a penis doesn’t the job it’s supposed to , it’s no longer unfixable, it’s only unfixable if the user doesn’t want to get it fixed.

Your DH probably dreads having sex, I know I did. So sit down with him, explain to him you understand and take PIV out of the equation. Focus on other aspects, lots of oral, toys and sensual stimulation. You may even find it’s psychological rather than physical. Let him be in control of what happens and when, let it be spontaneous for you but not him ( assuming he has to pre plan popping a Bluey )

Tell him to see a urologist because you love him and you want to fuck his brains out ( or words to that effect! )

It can be fixed, I’m now having the best sex of my life, and I bloody love it!