High libido but partner can’t keep up

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I’ve read a lot of posts on here about women with high sex drives during peri.
I never understood it as I guess my libido has been stable, sex generally 3x per week.

but something has now shifted, I’ve got no idea if I’m going through perimenopause but I’m wanting sex every.single.day. My partner is finding it hard to keep up, to the point he doesn’t want sex some days, which is disappointing considering how I’m feeling and have communicated this with him but he’s firm whether he wants it or not which I respect, but I feel our relationship has come to the end of the road as I don’t want to cheat on him but the last few months I’ve engaged in online x-rated chats with men. Coupled with my wand it does seem to satisfy me to an extent.

reading the above I know I need to end it with him but is not having enough sex a good enough reason? He’s wonderful in every other aspect!

I’m in peri, we have sex 4 times a week but I’d like more. However there’s no way I would leave my partner as the sex and connection is really good. We kiss daily , hold hands ect and it feels good having this affection daily and it doesn’t equate to leading up to sex, it’s affection and love, no one is scared to hold back giving this if they don’t have sex. We do lots of stuff together, go on a lot of child free breaks and are generally each others best friend. I wouldn’t throw that away. Men my age would look for a woman younger than me. I am with a man 4.5 years younger. I feel I have a good deal tbh!

I envy that as you know exactly what you want and are happy with the compromise.
I’ve tried doing the same, being more affectionate with him as in just random kisses and hugs but it’s not enough.

to me it feels like he’s in a routine, he likes that routine and he’s not willing to budge on it. Which is fair because why should he change something up just because I say so.

i know I need to focus on me and do the right thing as the last thing I want is someone to be hurt because of my actions. I need to have a final conversation with him of my needs and if he’s willing to go along with me on this journey then great but if not then I think that’ll be it for him and I.

I’d understand if he wasn’t wanting sex at all but you have a good sex life and want to leave him because he can’t go at it like a porn star? I don’t know your age but I doubt many men would want this and not in a relationship. Maybe you’d find a man who would like this for a few weeks as a novelty but work, responsibility and general life means sex comes when we have the energy and urge. For most this is probably every few days with affection in between.

How long have you been with him? If this is a phase can’t you just ride it out (so to speak 😂) surely if you split up you’ll likely have sex less than 3 times a week at least initially?!

@Namechanged4obviousreasons
i just want him to match my libido, 3x a week is good but he’s also not willing to try different moves. He’s always been set in his ways but it’s now affecting me.

@Gymbunny2025
I’ve not been with him long, coming up to a year soon, I hear what you’re saying but I’m not one that settles in life. I’m in my 40’s and feel that everyone should live life to the fullest no compromises. That’s always been my mindset and have lived by it for as long as I remember and it’s served me well. Just feels a bit meh that I have to say bye to this guy now.

Well he’s living his life to the fullest as well, with a sex life he’s happy with and you’re not matching is libido. Just leave if you’re unhappy but stop the cheating online with other guys.

Yeah and that’s fair @Namechanged4obviousreasons

If the sex you are having as well
as the quantity you are having is making you unhappy then leave. It’s only been less than a year, this should be honeymoon phase.

@AnonAnonmystery my thoughts exactly, I’m not entirely invested emotionally in this relationship, harsh as it sounds I won’t be super heartbroken. other than the sex, he’s fantastic, but my priority is that at the moment

That seems fair enough OP. You’re clear about what you want and nothing wrong with that.

How long has your sex drive been like this? I ask in case it’s a short phase - make sure you won’t have regrets by throwing the relationship away on some feeling that might not last.

@WhatdoesitmeanKeith
It’s been recent, last month or so. It would be a shame if I finished it and my libido went back to normal! But in all honesty I don’t think it will. I feel it’s worth the risk rather than making him feel inadequate and there must be something missing if I’m entertaining online chats.
I’d rather let him know so he can at least have fulfilling relationships with others rather than me weighing him down.

Gosh, you sound very transient op
6 months ago, if said he wasnt happy with sex 3 times a week would you have had it every day?

if its is a peri rush then it wont last and what happens when your new man wants sex every day and you hit full menopause and want sex once a month?

you can end anything for any reason but ending due to a sudden, short lived sex surge seems somewhat short sighted if you otherwise like him

I think @Ifitaintgotnoswing hits the nail on the head.

Your high libido may or may not last, realistically it won’t and then you’ve ended an otherwise good relationship for something you may not need or desire in the short or medium term.

If this was a man posting he would get absolutely battered.

it is also worth remembering, that given your age; most men you meet ( late 40’s/early50’s?) are unlikely to have a sustainable high sex drive after the initial honeymoon phase has worn off and then you are back to square one.

That said, daily sex can be very sustainable , if both want it and both enjoy it. He may find sex a chore sometimes ( as so many woman on MN find ) and/or he might be a little bored of the same old routine.

However, the fact that you have already entertained sex chat online, which typically leads to physical meets, would suggest you need to end the relationship regardless of anything else. Certainly, if this was a woman posting that her partner was sexting other woman online pretty much every response would be to LTB.

As you often read on here, men in their 50s or 60s and older lose their libido or their ability to perform either temporarily or permanently. Whichever way, its stressful. That is exactly what happened to me.

Been with my partner for over two decades and whereas sex was great for many years, since 2020 or so my sex drive has dwindled whilst hers has increased. We've became a sexual mismatch.

I love her dearly but can't please her anymore. Its a combination of getting older, still working when I'd rather give it up and mindset. It hasn't caused us to split or even think about it but it put distance between us. Two years ago we agreed that she could find a sexual partner to meet her needs. Not an easy choice but its proved to has many silver linings for both of us.

If you're having sex 3x a week, you're getting more than many people your age.
(I'm making assumptions, based on the peri bit.)
If you're partner is OK with 3x, and you want more, can you not be satisfied with 3x with him and extras on your own?
If this were gender-flipped, there might be a whole different set of resposes.

To be honest op, for me just focussing on sex wouldn’t been good. I need companionship as well as sex. It’s not like your partner cannot get it up or is unwilling. Something with my partner is that he gets sore and needs a day or two to recover if we’ve had sex then decided to have sex again 5 mins later which is quite common for us. But that’s me. I’m happy with the quality and I think you were happy with the quality of sex, this is what would make you feel fulfilled.

However you are already cheating on him so I think the right thing would be to break up. It’s not fair on him.

My sex drive has always been super high, still didn't stop my ex cheating on me

I hope you can you carry on with the sexchats plus your toy for longer?
It seems drastic to give up on an otherwise good relationship.
Are the chats real or fantasy? I found the best for me was enhanced real life.

I think the key difference between your situation and the OP's is that her sex drive is high and she is the one thats "engaged in online x-rated chats with men", not the man she's having a relationship with.

You don't want to cheat on him?? You already have.
You tell him that you've engaged in sexually explicit chats with men online and see if he still wants to be with you and that'll take the decision out of your hands.
It doesn't matter if you are wanting more sex or not, you stepped out of your relationship. The best thing you can do is own your mistake, and go from there. I hope that you are prepared to do some work on yourself if you want to save the relationship.
I'd add that not feeling sexually satisfied during perimenopause is a bit of an abrupt reason to leave a relationship as its a period in time that doesnt last. But it's kind of irrelevant really as you have bigger problems.
It's quite sad this isn't the key takeaway from everyone.

Very difficult period, and hard to reconcile. Good luck.

I think the relationship coming to an end maybe based on a desire to engage with other men and that can be related to a high libido without needs been met, or not. So I would try to figure if you have bigger issues with your current partner that is leading to this thinking.

I also have a high libido, like to think about sex often and just get turned to the point I want to orgasm. My husband knows this and we have sex 2-3 times week but he is not always around at the right moment. At these times, I'm not ashamed to admit that my vibrator is what I need to take care of my needs and that can be every day if needed.

I agree with this 💯