Partner rarely wants it

[Jaynexxx]

My partner is 4 years younger than me and we have one child together, and I have two older ones from a previous relationship. We’ve been together for 8 years and throughout our relationship I’ve always wanted sex and intimacy more than him. He’ll happily go without it sometimes for weeks at a time. Our longest was a month or two.
I thought it was down to a low sex drive until actually I found out that he’s been watching porn and getting off to women on his phone. So he said he was going to try and curb that or stop completely to help get our sex life back on track. But to be honest I don’t see him changing a habit of a life time. He hasn’t managed to ever give up any other habits during our time together!
Anyway, we had sex yesterday morning after I let him know that I was off my period. So we had sex but it was boring and same old. We never do foreplay or anything because he doesn’t like that. Apparently you don’t do that when you’ve been together as long as us. But we’ve never done it. We only have sex when he is already turned on and ready for it. Occasionally we’ve got there with kisses but he rarely kisses me like that, especially if he fears it will mean I want sex. This morning I let him know I was horny and wanted sex or some form of touch, even while I pleasure myself, and he just started insulting me - I want it too much, I’m too emotional, too this and too that. It’s what I always get. So I’ve learnt to shut down over the years. He’s teaching me to keep my feelings and needs to myself basically. Am I wrong to want a bit of foreplay and a bit of passion now and then? Not just the same type of sex once a week (if I’m lucky) ?

Neither of you are wrong to want what you want, or don't want. Desires (or lack of them) are not something we choose, but what we do with those feelings and how we behave towards others are choices. Feeling hurt and rejected is valid, and so is feeling pressured to do something you don't want.

He has as much right to end the relationship because of his choices as you do because of his. And you both have the ability to reframe how you see the situation. What you do together is the key.

Thanks for your comments. I agree with what you’re saying - his feelings are valid too and I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do. It just hurts that he doesn’t. I do feel rejected completely.

It surprises me that he wants to be with me and always says there’s nobody else for him and that I’m his forever. But how can he feel this way when clearly he’s not attracted to me enough to want be intimate with me or pleasure me. It’s very confusing to me.
Surely he should want to be with someone that is enough for him in this way.

There is nothing wrong with his libido. He just prefers to watch porn/masturbate than have sex. I don’t understand that personally but it seems to be a really common thing among men based on posts on here.

He’s very happy with his set up so of course he doesn’t want to leave.

Yeah it seems to be the case a lot.
What would you do in my position? Put up with it?
Other things in our relationship are mostly good and he is loving and generous. But I find this side of things very difficult and don’t know if I want to commit to years and years of being in a relationship like this. It’s going to take its toll. Well it already is .

I genuinely think it is nothing to you pressuring him into having sex. Your partner is so influenced by porn that the replicates what he sees whilst watching porn movies.

I've only had sex with my wife twice in the last eight years, but are working on this. However, whenever we have had sex in the past, my wife is there to be pleasured, first and foremost.

It is clear, his arrogance towards you regarding intimacy and sex is taking it toll on you and it is clear he isn't going to change.

Despite your DP, being good generally, his attitude to sex and intimacy and will eventually drive a ever bigger wedge between you two.

You could try talking to him again and subtebly give him an ultimatum, or seriously think of ending the relationship.

Take care ❤️

Not everyone equates forever partner with sexual intimacy. Many women don't, but the social narrative is that men are universally and perpetually sexual so, when they don't want sex, there must be something sinister going on.

Personally, if you're pre-menopausal, I'd think seriously about the longevity of the relationship. I should have ended mine at that age, but left it 10yrs later. Dating in your 50s is sole destroying, and most people are less sexual as they get older so, unless you want to look back and feel cheated out of a decade of good sex, something has to change. You just have to decide your priorities and figure whether you're prepared to gamble on losing the other things that make you happy.

Your partner may find having sex uses up a lot of energy/effort and time, whereas masterbating to porn is a quick hit that he needs. This then will reduce his desire for actual sex.

Maybe you could help break this habit by helping him come without full sex and then you could slowly up increase the number of times you get intimate.

I can’t really relate to the idea of my wife wanting sex and me not. She’s not ever one to initiate, which can understandably be a bit of a downer.

He may have got himself stuck in a bit of rut if, as others have said, porn is a preference. Perhaps he has just got stuck in his own head a bit if sex has become off putting.

I just feel like I can’t win. It’s gone on a long time but has steadily got worse. Sometimes I’ve held back and thought I’ll stop trying and see if he then tries to makes an effort but no, in that case we just go ages without it.
Attraction is definitely missing on his part. Sadly not for me. It’s a shame as everything else is there pretty much. He would happily stay with me though and seems to love me, just not desire me.

Yeah I think that’s the case. I have no idea how often he’s masturbating but I’d guess at least once a day. I don’t get a look in. I’d be happy to help him but he seems to prefer to do it alone. He doesn’t even let me try. It’s like he likes his own way and own style than let me try and do it to him. I haven’t had many partners but those that I’ve had before were nothing like this, which is also why I’m finding it so hard to accept.

I’m coming up to 40, so yeah, it’s playing on my mind a lot. The last thing I want to do is to break up our family and to start over, but the alternative is to go without sex/pleasure/intimacy with him for the next ten years until I can’t take it no more and to the start over

Also want to add that the shoe has been on the other foot when I was previously married and I didn’t find my partner attractive and I never wanted sex or intimacy with him. So I almost know how he’s feeling because I’ve felt that before. I ended up leaving my ex husband eventually, breaking up our family. It was an awful time but I couldn’t have stayed with him. The difference is, he seems to really love me as he always tells me he does and that I’m his forever, but doesn’t fancy me or want sex.