1 week window

[Davescoaches]

Ive joked with my wife for a while now that we only get a 1 week window each month where she’s up for sex but in reality that’s normally narrowed down to one day where we actually have sex. It’s always the week after her period and the last few months she’s actually realised I’m right in what I’m saying, the 1 week window then depends on her stress, anxiety, kids being good, basically we need one day where everything is perfect for her to even consider.
like most things in our relationship she also goes to ‘all women are like this’ and it’s been her statement for not wanting to give blowjobs anymore, not wanting frequent sex, sex only with lights out missionary and covers over us.
i know not all women are like this from being on this group and it’s honestly killing me. She admitted on several occasions that when we got together she put on being all adventurous and doing everything we did incl giving the best blowjobs I’ve ever had and she never actually enjoyed it and it was just to keep me interested and stay.
I feel completely lied to and betrayed and I feel that if I knew this at the start of our relationship it would have been a non starter as I’ve always had a high sex drive but it’s also that connection.
is or has anyone else been in this situation? We’ve spoke about splitting up but it’s never happened because of the kids.

Quite similar to my situation. It's unlikely to improve. Wish I could be more encouraging.

I'm in the same boat too although our sex life was always very basic even from the beginning. Everything else in the relationship is great though.
I've given up trying now so have to just live with it.

It’s really sad but it happens all too often, once you are married and have kids sex often drops off a cliff. It does sometimes feel as though an awful lot of men have been ‘trapped’ and things change after marriage and kids.

I have a couple of friends in the same boat, and I appreciate it’s not like this with all relationships, and I also understand that the same can and does happen the opposite way around.

Do you give lots of enthusiastic oral yourself? I’d start there.

TBH, after kids, I don’t want to have sex with the lights on either (although I get nothing out of missionary and need to be on top to have any fun).

“Trapped” (@smithey) is a strong word to use for someone who is dealing with kids, a house, and a job. I notice that some men find the adjustment of no longer being the centre of attention difficult.

If you know that you have one good week per month…take advantage and get in there with enthusiastic oral. The young kids thing is just a phase, and my sex drive really ramped up in my late 40s once I hit perimenopause.

You’d be surprised how many women turn down oral sex on themselves as well as refuse to give it so going at it “enthusiastically” may be the last thing that will work.

Maybe you need a more in depth chat with your wife OP, find out what she actually wants from sex. If she is not happy to have more, you’ll have to decide what you do with that because there’s nothing you can do if she really doesn’t want to do more than she already is.

Well…he needs to do something rather than complain about how his life isn’t the same as it was when he was 25. I liked my life at 25 too, when I was 15 pounds lighter, had no stretch marks, went out clubbing, had no big responsibilities, etc. That’s not the season of life he’s in right now.

You’d be amazed at the amount of men who expect to receive, but not give, oral. If he’s one of those men, my advice is to stop being one of those men.

He said he has a week of receptive intimacy, so he needs to dial up the romance, make sure the distractions of a dirty house/etc are taken care of, get a babysitter, take her out for a nice meal, and romance the woman! Carpe deim and stop complaining that he’s no longer in the season of life with little to no responsibility.

This is a common theme on MN but please try to understand something from the male point of view: if a woman doesn't want to have sex with you, it's not always because the man isn't a generous lover. I love giving oral - and would happily give and never receive - but my wife simply doesn't want it. It's not a panacea.

The problem is that OP hasn’t returned to the thread to clarify. If he gives good oral and his wife has different preferences, that’s one thing. If he expects to receive but not give, it’s another thing.

Sucks for you. I would never be with a guy who was.like this. Your happyness is important

Tbf I think men’s libido is just as likely to be affected by stress and anxiety as women’s. That plus managing kids… it’s no wonder she’s not feeling it most nights. I hope she’s getting (and you’re giving her) support to address her stress and anxiety. That seems the obvious thing to address first

To be honest, if a woman has no interest in sex, “good oral” isn’t going to change it.

Yes, he needs to be SOMETHING if he wants improvement. That starts with a proper conversation about what they both want. So many women are like his wife - no drive once children appear and there’s no easy fix.

Good starting point!

I think comparing your wife to a group chat of people who post is a dangerous game and not realistic. Not all women are the same but there are common themes and yours is one of them. Once a month is better than a lot of people have.
In my opinion you need to work on your friendship and supportiveness of each other. If she does get the spike in sex drive later in life, like many women do, then you will need to have the strong supportive relationship in place to get there. Sex is not a reason to end the relationship as things do change.
I hate giving blowjobs and only did it when I was young as I felt pressured, I’m not bothered about receiving oral but at 45(f) if I could have sex with my husband every day I would.

The point is that she hasn’t gone off sex—she simply has a window. So in my opinion, OP should make that week of opportunity really special for her, and do whatever it is that pushes her buttons—none of us know what pushes her buttons, so we’re simply throwing out ideas at this stage.

*And not just bang on about how he wants more BJs.

I think she has gone off sex. Only wanting sex that’s hormone driven is lacking in any remarkable sex drive in my opinion. It’s once a month. A sexless marriage is defined by less than 10 times a year. They’re on the edge of that.

OP - your wife is also very wrong - not all women are like her and it’s unfair for her to make you think that.

Sounds like she isn’t that into you. I was like this with my ex. Out sex life was boring and I lost interest/attraction over the years. It took another man to change that! My sex drive had tanked because I was with the wrong person. You’re right - all women are not like this. However, women need more of an emotional connection rather than just a sexual one to make it happen.

You need to consider ending the marriage. It won’t improve and will, almost likely, dwindle into once every 2 months, 6 months and then nothing.

It may be more common than we’d like to admit that our DWs just aren’t as keen on us as we believed. DW never denied that she used sex to keep her boyfriends interested and certainly did the same with me, the insecure part of me never quite gets why she stopped with me but she did, but the sex definitely reduced over the years and we also have the one day a month scenario ( though more realistically one day every six weeks or so) though in our case there is no longer the periods, stress from kids etc to take into the equation, more her work patterns

I think it's really important for men and women to understand that sex is just wired differently in our brains.

For a man (generalising ofc, but for the sake of this post I won't nuance everything I say), sex works like this:
If they are stressed, sex is a stress relief
If they are sad, sex cheers them up
If they need to unwind, sex helps them do so.
If they feel neglected, sex makes them feel important and valued.

Therefor the willingness to have sex is more present on a day to day basis. Sex is the remedy to most of their emotional and physical needs.

For a woman, it's completely different. Every emotional and physical need is a barrier that blocks their desire for sex.
Sex is not the remedy. On the contrary, when they are stressed/tired/touched out,... sex is another chore. Another ask.
Sex is not the solution for how they feel. It's one more thing they need to take on.
Only when a woman is free of stress/anxiety/..., does her willingness to have sex appear. And only then does sex become something she can actually enjoy, rather than it being a chore.

So take this theory and now look back at what the OP is saying.
Yes, before children and career and responsibilities his wife was much more willing to have sex. Of course she was. She had far fewer barriers and far less stress and anxiety.
Right now she has so much on her plate that she finds it hard to reach that stress-free point where she actually feels a desire to have sex.
The answer to that is not to pile more duties and responsibilities on her and make her feel like her low sex drive is yet another problem she needs to solve.

The answer is actually quite simple. How about you, OP, become her partner on the quest to lessen her stress and mental load. How about you care enough about how she's feeling - not just when it impacts you because you won't get laid but because you care about the woman you're spending your life with - and you realise that her low libido is an alarm bell going off. She's tired, exhausted, overworked, overextended and she needs a break. She needs help.
Now, don't take this as me saying you're not doing anything at all. I don't know your situation and I don't know how much you contribute to the household you're a part of. I'm saying that despite your efforts, it's clearly not enough because one of you is clearly just drained.

And maybe, just maybe, if you start caring first and foremost about how your partner is doing, not because you'll get transactional sex out of it but because you genuinely care and want to make her life better, maybe you'll start seeing her wanting you again.

How about both partners recognise the different antecedents for sex, and build them into the relationship? Imagine having the power to make your man feel 'valued', yet choosing not to.

In almost all cases, sex is vital for a healthy relationship and both sides need to give.

I don’t think you understand @Girlmom35 post at all

My thoughts exactly...
How to ignore everything I said about a womans needs and focus only on the mans needs.
As if the world needs more of that 🙄

“Why can’t I have my wife’s undivided attention and BJs, like we did before she had kids, a mortgage, a weekly meal plan/shop, tidying up after 4+ people, the mental load of 864,966 daily emails from the school and their corresponding actions?”

That's just a total straw man argument and doesn't get anyone anywhere. It doesn't in any way correspond to my attitude, nor the OP's as far as I can tell and, remember, even @Girlmom35 herself said her comment was a generalisation.