Condoms - Is MN representative?

[GoodPudding]

I’ve been struck in general by the very sensible and risk averse attitude towards condom use on MN threads, and how condoms are recommended even for periods after STI tests. I’m not criticising this, but this attitude hasn’t been typical in my experience at all.

Of the seven sexual partners I’ve had, only one had a cautious attitude regarding condoms, with the others much more relaxed and unconcerned even about having STI tests beforehand. Also, these weren’t obviously reckless women in other regards.

Its made me wonder if women are generally a lot more blaze about condom use than you’d guess from reading MN threads, and that it’s those women who are more very cautious about condom use that are more likely to post about it, whilst the majority just keep quiet for fear of having their arse handed to them…

Either that I just pick the type of women who aren’t fussed about condoms!

New partners aside, as soon they can be got rid of the better. I hate them and they don’t agree with me anyway (leave me feeling sore). I know condoms are really thin these days but nothing is better than having a man inside you without one on.

I think there's often quite a discrepancy between the actual logical rational values women have regarding condom use, and the socially desireable behaviour women tend to show to please a new sexual partner.

A lot of women know what they want and what they stand for. But actually taking a stand, holding their ground and setting a clear boundary while potentially putting off a new partner is frightening for many of us.
The risk of being met with backhanded comments, having a lack of trust thrown back in your face, not wanting to appear a certain way, ... It all leads to women knowing very well they want to use condoms, but they end up not asking for it.

I think the fact that sex is still often seen as something the man should enjoy, and womens pleasure is secondary or even nonexistent. Or the fact that women who take clear stands on their sexual preferences are often perceived as sluts. It all creates an atmosphere where demanding a condom becomes too much of a challenge.

I’ve found it’s much harder post-menopause to set the boundary of insisting on condom use, it is very much a statement of avoiding STIs rather than pregnancy at that point. It feels a bit accusatory. Having said that, as long as I’ve had one to offer, it’s always been accepted.
Girlmum35 makes a lot of good points. I think you just get to a point where you accept you are a bit of a slut and embrace it if you find yourself single a bit later in life.

i think there’s a difference between initial use of condoms when you first meet someone and what I’m talking about…

The MN consensus presumes that there will be mutual STI testing after the relationship has stabilised before condoms are jettisoned, and even continuing with condom use beyond that just to “be on the safe side”, but personally, I’ve never had a woman ask me to take a STI test, and one girlfriend (years ago) even got very upset when I suggested it might be a good idea (apparently I was implying she was a slut!) - it didn’t last long after that.

….so I’m wondering if there’s a gap between the “good practice” espoused by MN posters, and the reality that most women are actually a lot more relaxed about it (but just don’t go posting about it).

Yes the STI test thing puzzles me too, that's not a thing I've ever done with a partner.

For me it was always condom use mandatory until trust established, then I went on the pill. None of my boyfriends ever complained.

I feels like your and my experience is typical, though i think the STI testing is a good idea… I just don’t think people actually do it as routinely as you would think based on MN posts. Interested to know why… Ignorance of risks? Impatience? Fear of upsetting a new relationship? Probably all three.

Have only had one woman request an STI test before wanting to ditch the condoms; it’s always been my suggestion otherwise. None have taken offence at the suggestion though.

Used to surprise me how keen women would be to have unprotected sex once a relationship was established. I wouldn’t have thought it’d make much difference to how sex feels. It obviously does!

I've probably had 5 serious relationships, and several ONS/FWBs/situationships and so on.

For everyone apart from the relationships I have always worn condoms, and in the relationships worn then until we both had STI checks and were clear.

It was usually the women that suggested STI checks before binning the condoms, as they were on the pill. I had no issue with doing checks, or continuing to wear condoms until such time as I wanted children and I thought STI checks before ditching condoms was standard 🤷‍♂️and sensible.

As much as I dont enjoy wearing them, in a relationship I would always wear one until alternative contraception was discussed (and I would wear one if that as the method we agreed on) and we had both had clear STI checks. For a more casual scenario I would wear one as a matter of course.

All of the above seems to be the norm with friends who I have discussed relationships with, both male and female.

I have no need to use condoms anymore as I am married and sterilised. I didn't always use condoms for casual sex in my younger days and as a result of that I had a baby and another time I picked up a common STI. So I would advise people to wear one if they are not in an established relationship. When my husband and I got together, I knew I was clear as I had not had sex since my last test a year earlier and I trusted that he was clear when he told me he had been tested recently too. If I found myself single again I would insist on condoms with any potential partners.

Interesting… I wonder if age is a factor. I’m 49 btw. Are younger people more careful i wonder?

@GoodPudding I'm only a couple of years younger than you, and have always been the same.

There’s definitely a divide between those who became sexually active pre and post HIV. Somewhere between 50 and early 60s.

I became sexually active post HIV.

Interesting, perhaps we just attract different types of women!