Solution | Mumsnet

ThatAquaSnail · 22/07/2025 10:00

Rainbowbeginings · 22/07/2025 08:51

My husband and I are different ends of the scale when it comes to sex. I’m happy with 1-2 times a month and he would like 2-3 times a week? How do we find middle ground as I feel upset feeling like I have to do it more and he feels like he gets frustrated when it gets past a week or so! We’re really struggling to see how we can find a solution for us both.
Any suggestions?

Can you not "help him out" once a week? Wouldn't take long I am sure.

Original poster

Rainbowbeginings · 22/07/2025 10:03

@ThatAquaSnail i try and make sure it’s weekly but it’s hard when you don’t feel in the mood very often

OP posts:

Girlmom35 · 22/07/2025 15:47

ThatAquaSnail · 22/07/2025 10:00

Can you not "help him out" once a week? Wouldn't take long I am sure.

Show quote history

Right... The answer to different libido's is to force yourself to engage in sexual acts when you don't want to. I thought this was 2025, not the 1960's.

Horrible advice!
OP, please don't pay any attention to this.
You have every right to your own libido, as does he.
Sadly, it's just one of these things you can't change about each other, unless there are reasons why your libido is lower than his. If your libido was through the roof before and now suddenly it's dropped, that's a whole other discussion. Then we could explore the intimacy in your relationship, your emotional wellbeing, your hormone levels, etc.
But if this is who you are, then there's nothing wrong with you and you don't need to do anything.

It all comes down to compatibility. You will never have a partner who checks 100% of your boxes. Can you both live with the boxes that are being checked? And is it enough to compensate for the boxes that aren't? For you, and for him? Do you both love each other enough to not make the other feel guilty for being who they are?

Because if he accepts you as you are, then there's no need for either of you to feel guilty or frustrated. This is just one of these needs that you can't meet for each other.

ThatAquaSnail · 22/07/2025 16:46

Girlmom35 · 22/07/2025 15:47

Right... The answer to different libido's is to force yourself to engage in sexual acts when you don't want to. I thought this was 2025, not the 1960's.

Horrible advice!
OP, please don't pay any attention to this.
You have every right to your own libido, as does he.
Sadly, it's just one of these things you can't change about each other, unless there are reasons why your libido is lower than his. If your libido was through the roof before and now suddenly it's dropped, that's a whole other discussion. Then we could explore the intimacy in your relationship, your emotional wellbeing, your hormone levels, etc.
But if this is who you are, then there's nothing wrong with you and you don't need to do anything.

It all comes down to compatibility. You will never have a partner who checks 100% of your boxes. Can you both live with the boxes that are being checked? And is it enough to compensate for the boxes that aren't? For you, and for him? Do you both love each other enough to not make the other feel guilty for being who they are?

Because if he accepts you as you are, then there's no need for either of you to feel guilty or frustrated. This is just one of these needs that you can't meet for each other.

Show quote history

I was offering advice from a male point of view. Sorry you didn't agree with it.

OP..if you dont want to lend a hand, you could say to him that you would be fine with him helping himself in bed at night.

I am sure he would like that as would keep you close.

MsDDxx · 22/07/2025 17:30

There is no ideal solution OP - you either have sex you don’t want or he ends up frustrated and rejected.

From experience, this sort of situation doesn’t work long term and will come to a head at some point.

Gymbunny2025 · 22/07/2025 18:02

Girlmom35 · 22/07/2025 15:47

Right... The answer to different libido's is to force yourself to engage in sexual acts when you don't want to. I thought this was 2025, not the 1960's.

Horrible advice!
OP, please don't pay any attention to this.
You have every right to your own libido, as does he.
Sadly, it's just one of these things you can't change about each other, unless there are reasons why your libido is lower than his. If your libido was through the roof before and now suddenly it's dropped, that's a whole other discussion. Then we could explore the intimacy in your relationship, your emotional wellbeing, your hormone levels, etc.
But if this is who you are, then there's nothing wrong with you and you don't need to do anything.

It all comes down to compatibility. You will never have a partner who checks 100% of your boxes. Can you both live with the boxes that are being checked? And is it enough to compensate for the boxes that aren't? For you, and for him? Do you both love each other enough to not make the other feel guilty for being who they are?

Because if he accepts you as you are, then there's no need for either of you to feel guilty or frustrated. This is just one of these needs that you can't meet for each other.

Show quote history

Totally agree

Eric1964 · 22/07/2025 18:30

MsDDxx · 22/07/2025 17:30

There is no ideal solution OP - you either have sex you don’t want or he ends up frustrated and rejected.

From experience, this sort of situation doesn’t work long term and will come to a head at some point.

Or they investigate intimate activities which are short of full sex, involving touching, massage etc, with an agreement that intercourse won't take place.

VintageMan · 22/07/2025 19:04

Honestly - where does he get the time and energy? I would be perfectly ok with 2-3 times a month with my partner. Please don't take this the wrong way - but it feels like you are doing more around the home, including worrying about this, than he is. Perhaps if he shared in the work, he would feel tired and less horny and stop pestering you. This is not 1900 where you are supposed to lie there and think of Britain, he can sort himself out and stop making you feel bad for being you.

Original poster

Rainbowbeginings · 22/07/2025 19:05

Thanks @Girlmom35 i think I am feeling a little resentful as he will say he provides for me in all other ways so I should not be selfish and sort him out as the other poster said. I do agree with @MsDDxx that it may well come to a head when one of us decides we can’t carry on as we are. We have young(ish) children so was hoping it would return once they got a bit older but not much sign of that yet.

OP posts:

Gymbunny2025 · 22/07/2025 19:07

I suspect a big reason your desire for him isn’t returning is because he is calling you selfish for not sorting him out!!

JillianFife · 23/07/2025 16:56

I dont know thw solution but I wouldn't be with a man who didn't want it at least a couple of times a week