Sleeping around - finding love

[Beetleswings]

In the last two years, I've slept with 8 guys. The first of which I had a situationship with after being single and celibate for years - the rest were ONS. I had a sexless, abusive marriage which ended 5 years before the situationship.

How do I row myself back from this? It appears there are minority of individuals in the area I live who are aware of these ONS, at least three of which tell me I need to get some self-respect. I am 100% sure that nobody knows the count is 8 men in 2 years.

I am now thinking word has gone round and now I am thinking I should crawl under a rock... I just love sex, but have struggled to get into a relationship. I have male friends, but I don't find any of them attractive.
If I were in a relationship, sexual chemistry would be a very important factor for me to maintain one. Have I spoiled my chances of love and relationship by 'sleeping around' ?

Go out of town!!

Find someone in the next town or city. Make a weekend trip of a situationship.

For the right man it won’t matter obviously. Sounds like you must live in a small place? Is there any option for you to move? A fresh start somewhere might help you meet new men?

That's a bugger when people start commenting to you directly.

This is an extra negative comment, so sorry. Maybe it's the blokes bragging about having you?
To be positive though; How determined are you, do you want to change or just not get caught?

8 men in 2 years really isn't a big deal - 4 men in a year?? Why would anyone have an issue with that. I can't understand at all why they think you need to get some self respect, I bet they wouldn't bat an eyelid if their male mate said they'd slept with 8 women in 2 months let alone two years. At least you know in advance that they are arseholes.

I agree with @Gymbunny2025 in that if you live in a small place, with everyone watching your every move. Just remember those passing the snidey comments are sexually fustratedcand bord!!!

So, a fresh start somewhere else, if you can, might be the best option.

Google luck!!

Typical!
No-one would tell a man to get some self-respect if he slept with 8 women. Everyone would say "good on you mate - how many notches on the bedpost now?".
Hate double standards.
Really pleased to hear you "admit" to ons's - as another "bed-hopper" (sorry if you dislike the term, I use it about myself before other people do), I salute you.

It could be you're focusing on the sex side of things too much if you're struggling to find true connection. Yes it's important but there's other qualities that one needs, to make someone want to be with you long term; things like kindness, sense of humour, shared interests. Eight men in 2 years is not really that unusual. There's nothing wrong with consensual sex if it's what you want to do. But if you're looking for a relationship, maybe take a break and try things a different way.

I will trying things a different way, I will be moving on from where I have taken myself. I won't be engaging in anymore ons, for a lengthy period of time anyway.

I probably am focusing on the sex side of things too much, but I could not bring myself to having a relationship with someone I'm not sexually attracted to/compatible with. Shallow as that sounds.

A relationship without sexual attraction is a friendship. Isn't it? Unless there's a kink/fetish involved.

Sorry to pop back again but that doesn't sound shallow at all (not to me, anyway).
My "relationships" have been short (not always ons!) but that's because, well usually because, they turn out to be unworthy PEOPLE, not because of the sex.
Otw I've been lucky with the sex (in 2 senses) but there is no way I could have a longer relationship with a boy/man who isn't a decent person in the long run.

Sorry I sound as if I'm actually disagreeing with you there. But I mean that the sex is the most important thing to me, and I've been lucky in that respect. At some point though you realise there HAS to be something else and most men I sleep with don't seem to have it!

I don’t think you’re contradicting yourself. We all need both- connection/friendship plus great sex for a relationship.

so the options are to start with the connection then hope the sex is good. Or start with the sex and hope the person is good!

Either way some of us are lucky and find our person quickly. Some have to kiss a lot of frogs. I guess the OP is just unfortunate that people are ‘watching her’ kiss the 🐸.

Sorry I missed out attraction. But that goes without saying!

Yes, true

But all because we're women! Nobody would blink an eye at a man having a different bedfellow every night.
(Not that I'm suggesting she has one - but the fact that I need to justify that shows what a misogynistic world we live in!)

It’s just one of the troubles with living in a small community. I think tbf some women would be equally wary of a man known to have a lot of ONS. But agree he wouldn’t be called the names a woman can be.

It's not shallow to want attraction, it doesn't have to be one or the other. Find someone you find hot who is compatible with you in other ways and build on that.

If you think about it for yourself rather than what other people might think, do you actually believe it’s immoral to have sex with a lot of people?

I don’t see it as a moral issue. Some people obviously do e.g for religious reasons. I think sometimes having a lot of casual sex can hurt the person engaging in it but not necessarily (and being in a sexless or low sex relationship can also do harm, probably more so than the odd ill-judged ONS).

I’ve had quite a lot of casual sex in the last year. There are some encounters I wouldn’t repeat but overall it’s been a good experience and one I think I needed after being in one relationship from when I was at university. I might rein it in at some point or not.

You need to think about what you are looking for though - do you want a serious relationship which might lead to marriage etc where the sex is also good; or do you really just want good sex maybe consistently with the same person but not necessarily; or do you want a long term fwb etc. It sounds like you feel some sense of failure or panic about not finding a relationship but you don’t even need to look for one if you don’t want to. You can just look for good sex with someone you get on with (but if you do that maybe get away from your town to do it and go on Feeld or something).

In terms of guys judging you for sleeping with 8 guys, we perhaps move in different dating circles but this would not be the slightest issue for anyone I’ve dated and would be considered very normal. If a guy did have an issue with it they just wouldn’t be for me because we’d have fundamentally different values around sex.