Am I asking too much?

[ThatFirmTaupeHelper]

DP (39) and I (32) have been together for 3 years and are getting married next year.

Ive struggled with our intimacy on and off over the course of our relationship but have always tried to discuss things and make improvements that work for us both.

Something that never seems to change is that my drive is much more blatant than his. Currently we have sex around once a week - usually when we are both off for the day. Its always enjoyable and we make sure the other person is satisfied. I would like more than this but he is always too tired at night and doesn't take the initiative unless I'm pretty much asking for it in the morning (if he's even awake yet).

This would all be understandable if he didn't wait until I went for a shower or headed off to work and then immediately get himself off! Used tissues make for obvious evidence.

Ive raised these issues before and the excuses include being too tired, not sleeping well, 'everyone does it' and that it's not better on his own.

Am I asking too much to be included and wanted?

while there is nothing wrong with either of you masturbating I can see why you are upset.
There seems to be something in (some) males psyche that splits sex into types; effortful sex with a valued romantic partner and “selfish indulgent sex” where you don’t have to consider anyone else; be that masturbation, porn use, a less esteemed partner…

Think this is going to take a heavy conversation about what each of you expects love, commitment and sex to look like.

Obviously I can’t speak for all women, but I want my sexual partner to find me a joy, not an effort.

I agree with everything @NinaOakley said. I don’t mind my OH sorting himself out while I’m in the shower (and enjoy helping him out too!). But that’s because I’m happy with our sex life. If I wanted more sex it wouldn’t feel balanced and I would feel resentful. Not good in a marriage- but it sounds like you’ve had issues from the start of your relationship. Remember things only get worse over time 😢

I’m your partner in my relationship, I have the lower sex drive and I’m male.
being expected to be able to “perform “ is an issue for me right now, also tired at night ( testosterone dip )

so are you asking too much?

well maybe yes - I initiate less as I just don’t need to

him preferring to get himself off rather then has sex might indicate he sees sex as too much of a “performance “ , you say that you do it on a day off , perhaps he prefers the line time as no one is there to please apart from himself

have you ever mentioned having a quickie before leaving for the day ?

I understand your frustration especially getting married next year.

A simple solution would be to show him this thread or put in down in writing on a romantic type card.

Thanks for the interesting perspectives.

I should mention that when we do have sex it's usually a 20 minute from beginning to finish rather than a marathon - which I'm happy with! It feels very difficult to keep asking for this to be more often and I've sort of resigned myself to how it makes me feel.

I've taken to just getting out of bed early instead of waiting around hoping he might want anything... I'd love to see him make the initiative but it feels like either way he would get what he wants.

To be blunt, if you are the person with the higher sex drive, you may have to move into the more traditional “male” role and be the one initiating more ( and being turned down more- grow a thick skin )

I would suggest that you try more in the mornings and less in the evenings to take advantage of the male hormone production- and don’t wait in the mornings , make your move or at least make it clear that sex is available

Don't have any advice but I feel exactly the same, only I'm 27 and he's 36 (have 3 kids).

He's always too tired/head hurts/has to finish something for work/has some sort of problem with how I acted during the day. We hardly ever have sex and it ALWAYS has to be on his terms as me ever initiating sex is a 'turn off' and I should act like I never want it.

I used to be a person who would ideally have sex every day but by now I feel so rejected/unwanted that I've basically given up and also just go to bed early. Tbh I would rather not have any sex at all at this point because the way he acts puts me off so much.

There's always all these jokes about how men always want sex and it always makes me think 'what's wrong with me?' I have asked him and he always makes up stupid reasons, for example that it's because I 'wear unattractive clothes around the house'. So I started wearing clothes like I'd wear to a club and guess what, the vast majority of the time he had no reaction at all so I gave up and stopped.

I also go to sleep early most nights, or go to the bath for hours or just go and sit downstairs in the kitchen. And yet I'm still expected to bring his stupid dinner upstairs for him or whatever and 'do my part'. Tbh it just feels like we're roommates most of the time as being married includes sex in my view. I'm just tired of someone acting like sex with me is a shit chore that has to be put off until it can't be avoided.

Oh my darling please don’t stay in a relationship that is grinding you down so! That is one thing I wish I could go back and tell myself!