How to gently say no to sex

[AtBeaverGoat]

Hi All,
Cannot believe I am asking this but here goes
I’m an over 50 male in a relationship with a similar aged woman, who has higher sex drive than myself- we don’t live together, but spend weekends/ holidays etc together,
she would happily have sex ( she likes PIV ) 2 to 3 times a day - which is frankly more times than I can perform.( and really want to )

so I’m kind of looking for some advice on a “thanks but no thanks “ strategy
she has previously been a sexless relationship for some years- so sex is something she sees as key to her relationship “value” almost - not really sure how to explain that.

also as an older man, things don’t always work how they used to - orgasms can be more difficult to achieve these days

any advice or thoughts or feedback from women who have the higher libido in their relationship would be most welcome

This will, rightly, be incredibly important to her, so you should prepare that one outcome here is that she moves on rather than tolerates the 'thanks, but no thanks' approach.

My suggestion is that you offer to satisfy her without PIV.

I think in a relationship where you don’t live together/see each other most days that’s the amount of sex I’d expect. It’s only morning and evening plus or minus an extra session. I’d hope my partner was honest early on that we weren’t a match

One of you will need to compromise, and find the middle ground, I’m not sure how many over 50’s men could realistically manage 3 sex sessions a day consistently?!

I would definitely NOT use the thanks but no thanks approach, best to be honest and let her decide if she can match your libido if you can’t match hers.

it also depends on how long you’ve been together and if you live together, and if you don’t how often you see each other.

I have a super high sex drive, and I’ve finally met someone who wants sex more often than me. Some days it will be 4 or 5 times and even then she sometimes wants more, I just tell her I’m exhausted and give her cuddles or other things instead.

She will see sex as a way of connecting, feeling wanted, desired and loved. You will see sex as a physical act and once you’ve physically released yourself you don’t have the same needs to go again.

However, as @Gymbunny2025 said, once in the morning, once in the evening and once at night is pretty do able for most.

She will be feeling very fragile about this. If you want to continue the relationship you need to be communicating honestly and clearly. Things don’t work how they used to? That’s pretty normal, but be prepared to show her lots of affection and use toys to make sure her needs are
Evaluate often-have I made her feel like a demanding slut or a goddess?
If you are not consciously doing the latter it’s safe to assume you are doing the former. If that’s too much effort let her move on!

TBH I'd get bored with PIV 2/3 a day and the demanding of it would give me the ick.

There's more to sexual fun than PIV and being expected to perform on que

Thank you for the response, we do a lot of non piv already- I use fingers/ toys etc to get her to orgasm- but she always wants PIV afterwards

but to take on board your comment about the outcome- reading this forum I can see all the negative comments about men over 50 & sex - so that’s something in the back of my mind

Thank you for the response
we have been seeing each other a bit over a year now and I suspect she was keeping her sex drive in check a bit at the beginning, in the 6 months or so it’s been more clear that she would like more sex (which is great) , to the point now where I can’t really keep up ( no pun intended)

Thanks for the response and the comment about feeling fragile about it
toys actually make things worse - as she always wants PIV after an orgasm ( or 2 )

thanks for the comment about slut / goddess - will take that onboard

I’m going to go against the grain here op. I have a higher sex drive than my partner and I wouldn’t want him to have sex he can’t or doesn’t want to have.

Your partner needs to get a grip. She isn’t in a sexless relationship. You have regular sex. I don’t think what @Gymbunny2025 suggests is reasonable to have sex morning noon and night if it’s not possible. Surely if you don’t live together you might want to do something fun in the daytime outside? I’ve been together with my partner 5 years. In the honeymoon period it was 3 times a day, on holiday it’s still everyday or more but in a normal working week when we have work / our kids it’s about 4 times a week.

what would happen if one of you was ill or had a lot of life stuff going on that made you want it less? If it was you that wanted it less for these reasons would she understand?

Both of you need to be happy, you shouldn’t have to appease her. And this is coming from me where in the past if I was turned down it would be upsetting! We’ve talked about it now, agreed I want it more and have a middle ground. Please just speak to her.

I agree with work kids life it’s less. Much less!

but if it’s a new relationship (1 year) and they’re seeing each other for weekends/holidays (with no kids around etc) absolutely I’d want someone where there’s a mutual desire to have a lot of sex. Plus she has been in a sexless marriage so has a lot of time to make up for!

I think the op has pointed out it’s physically not possible sometimes for 3 times a day. I think him not being able to get an erection would upset her more to be honest. But I do think the quota of 3 times a day puts alot of pressure on. Myself and partner don’t live together so it’s eow, 2 week days and nights a week when we wfh and holidays usually without dc. So yes the sex is built into those days we are together. There are factors like the partner maybe perimenopausal. There is also love languages. She may only see sex as a way to feel loved and desired.

I can see your partner’s perspective regarding penetrative sex. I don’t feel satisfied (even if I’ve had an orgasm) if I don’t have it at some point during sex.

My own DH has a lower sex drive than I do, and I’ve had to go months without it. She’s very lucky in my opinion 😂

He would just tell me he’s too tired or that I’m putting too much pressure on him - this particular time he made this comment I hadn’t even asked him for sex. It had been two months without and all I did was have a bath before bed and he came out with that. Made me feel great 🤣.

It’s difficult to refuse without causing feelings of rejection but you are having regular sex so I would hope she wouldn’t feel rejected. I think you may have to be kindly honest. Start by telling her how much you enjoy it, can’t wait for it etc., but that you need time to recover…etc. Just use careful words so that you don’t make her feel bad for wanting sex or that she’s a sex pest. Those feelings don’t go away easily once they’ve taken hold.

I think what’s interesting here is that she seems to have consciously masked her sex drive until 6 months in.

This is usually the reverse of posts normally on here where after six months the sex tap is turned off after establishing a serious relationship. I don’t think either scenario is honest or fair.

Alot are the time my partner will have sex then start having sex again ten mins later but that comes from both of us. At the moment we’ve had sex once in 8 days as my partners had a family bereavement. So he needs me in other ways, he needs cuddles, someone to talk to him and be there for him. I just wonder what will happen in testing times for you op?is there any understanding of your needs or has there been a tough time that’s tested your relationship?

Mismatched sex drives are always a deal breaker for me. One person ends up feeling rejected and the other person feels like they're with a sex pest and at least one person is always unhappy. IMO relationships like this just don't work.

I'm not your age, and I like sex, but my days I couldn't be bothered having that much sex! I would get maybe morning and night if you're just seeing each other on a weekend, but if you live together I think sex is lovely and important, but there's a lot of other ways to spend time in a relationship than shagging each all day 😆
Each to their own of course, we're all different and at different life points. I also imagine a life with either no kids or grown up kids is completely different but even then I wouldn't personally be interested in multiple times every single day. I can't grasp how that level of activity would ever be possible whilst being a parent to growing children

thank you
I think that maybe she sees the sex as somehow validating our relationship, so me turning her down can be difficult
her previous relationship was mostly sexless as well - so I think that put her on alert for any perceived drop off

One of my parents is currently quite sick- so I am away quite a lot at the moment

as for her sex drive, as she has relaxed with me her true libido is appearing now I think

What type of relationship is this? Is it FWB or do you see it leading to living together?

I only ask, as I'd expect more sex from FWB than I do a relationship I see going somewhere.

My xFWB and I used to see each other fortnightly weekends and holidays. We're similar ages to you and your partner. We could spend hours in bed Sunday morning. Lots of PIV, oral, teasing. Crashing. Going again an hour later. He didn't cum though. He used to stop from exhaustion rather than inability. We'd watch telly and go again a while later. This only really started about a year in when we got comfy with each other.

Other weekends we'd only have a short session once over the whole weekend. I wanted more than this, but didn't say so at the time. I was ok with less sex on some weekends, but found it frustrating. But I lived with it.

One of our last conversations about our sex drives discussed how mine was much higher than his, and he enjoyed the weekends where he could keep up with me, but preferred the weekends where we'd only have sex once. I said I feel exactly the opposite!

So my answer is have some weekends where you're meeting her needs. Help her to understand that you're more than a penis and you have needs too that mean you sometimes want less sex than her some weekends.

Fwiw, I see things going far with the man I'm now with and his sex drive is much lower than mine. But I can tolerate it as I'm loving him as a person. FWB was a penis primarily to me, not someone to love.

So how do you see this relationship? Is it based on sex, or based on longevity?

I was hoping this was going to be long term - maybe moving in together ( not currently discussed),

@AtBeaverGoat sorry one of your parents is very unwell. It must be a hard balancing act being away and also trying to maintain your relationship.
I do really think she’s putting a lot of pressure on quantity rather than quality.
if this was a women writing this about her male partner she would be likened to being coerced or the equivalent of a blow up doll.

I just can’t see anything on here where she is considering your needs. Does she offer you emotional support or is it only the physical side where she needs to be validated 3 times a day, so just sex?
I am a women and I understand we enjoy sex not just for the act but for emotional connection when we are in love. I think you need to see where she is at - is it love and companionship or just sex she’s after? Then you can decide what to do.