Looking for some balanced views, please.

[LetsLiveLife]

DH and I are both in our early-40s and have been together for over 20 years. We’ve worked hard to build a relationship based on trust, respect, love and a really solid intimacy, and neither of us wants to jeopardise that.

His biggest turn-on is the idea of me with another man—border-line poly arrangements and all that. I actually enjoy the fantasy talk in the moment: I’ll sometimes even prompt him—ask who he’s picturing, suggest a scenario, or describe how many men and what kinkier things they’re supposedly doing with me. On a few occasions it’s genuinely aroused me and I’ve told him how turned-on I feel seeing myself in that fantasy. Me expressing that pleasure seems to have given him impression that I’d also enjoy it in real life. He has said he’d be turned on watching me with other men but only if it was something I naturally wanted, not something I did just to please him—but the line feels blurry.

Because I rarely initiate the kinky chat, he feels he’s always the one bringing it up and ends up worried he sounds needy. He’s admitted that knowing I’ve drawn a firm line leaves him thinking his deepest desire will never be met, and now that thought is creeping into our ordinary sex life. We’ve talked at length and can both see we’re at opposite ends on this.

I’ve said, openly, that if he ever felt he needed to explore those desires elsewhere, I wouldn’t stop him—but I’m not comfortable taking part just to keep him happy. He says that even if he was attracted to another woman he still wouldn’t act on it, because he knows I’d be uncomfortable in an equivalent situation with another man. He doesn’t want to push me, yet worries he’ll always feel something is missing.

Has anyone managed to bridge a gap like this without sacrificing the relationship you’ve nurtured? What worked (or didn’t)? Any advice would be so appreciated.

I'm a man & haven't any experience of this. The only reason I'm commenting is to point out the obvious i.e. that it's so much easier to fantasise about such things, & be aroused by that fantasy than actually trying to act out those fantasies.

Fantasies , particularly shared ones, are largely harmless & can be good fun, getting a third person involved into your intimate relations could be fraught imho.

thanks , it feels we are at a impasse, some where our desires have gone in opp direction

But his deepest desire is for you to sleep with a man though? Not for him to sleep with a woman? It’s a very common fantasy for men. Can’t you just say while you enjoy the fantasy you would never want to risk your relationship?

yes that's what i said

@LetsLiveLife man here, embrace the mutual pleasure of your fantasies, important to keep talking to each other about it✊🏿 you feel it’s impacting your sex life though?

Was just getting confused as you refer to him as borderline poly? And saying he should consider other women? But that’s something very different!

might have loosely or incorrectly used term poly..

So you mean he’s worried he’ll always feel something is missing because YOU won’t have sex with other men? Surely he realises it’s completely unreasonable for him to even say that let alone try and coerce you into doing it?

His fantasies should not impinge on your boundaries. It's wonderful that you are open and able to talk about your (his) fantasies but he's wrong to assume that you being open to hearing about them or being playful when discussing them with him will ever lead to you wanting to actually do them.

We all have things we might like to see/ do / experience but respecting our partners boundaries has to come ahead of satisfying our own wants.

He needs to know that pushing you on this will only lead to resentment and eventually it'll become an ick rather than something you occasionally enjoy talking about/ fantasising about. It sounds like it may already have got to that point.

My man also has this fantasy. It seems surprisingly common, at least to me!

what did you do about it? have you taken it to reality?

Many couples out there who are into this dynamic.

It seems to be getting more popular. It has been around for centuries.

Its a dynamic that can work, but as a couple you need to be secure and trust is important.

Its something we have been doing for several years now. She has a regular partner and it has been good for us.

As a man, I’d very very wary that he wants the fantasy reciprocated - that is, it gives him free rein to sleep with another woman.

thanks @OneSassyQuoter will you be able to share more on your approach , how you go about it, what worked, what didn't, what kind of rules you had?

how did you approached, what forums, apps you used to find like minded people and then vetting them

sorry for so many questions - possibly if you are ok we can DM?