DP porn use

[Regularbutnewname10]

I know this must be the millionth thread about this but I need some perspectives please.

So DP and I have been together almost three years. Sex was, and still is, great.

Sometimes he struggles to finish, this has been more often lately.

I was using his iPad earlier, not snooping, mine was downstairs and I needed to check something online.

When I started the search a porn site autofilled. So out of curiosity I had a look at his history.
I don’t have an issue with porn, except when it impacts on the sex life.

He has visited sites frequently, fair enough when he’s home alone.

But he has also visited them on a weekend, we usually spend most of our time together at a weekend so I will have been in the house.
I mean, I was right there if he was in the mood.

Also, there are some hits to his bank in between porn videos.So he is also paying for something whist on the site.

I’m wise enough to know this probably isn’t going to end well. My last long term relationship was a shambles for this same reason. We dragged it out because I stupidly thought things would change. I’m not about to make the same mistake.

I will talk to him about this and see what he has to say. Any advice please?

Sorry should have added, the times he has struggled to finish are the days that he has used porn.

Also, he has ED and uses Viagra so sex is generally planned. So he has already finished off, presumably, to porn knowing we will ah e sex later. I just don’t get it.

I’m interested that he watches on his iPad and you didn’t notice! Sorry not the point of your thread. I think if one relationship has already ended due to porn use then it must have been very triggering finding the same again? Wishing you good luck with the conversation

Oh yeah, haha! Should have said he must have looked at the porn when I was in the shower/he was in the bathroom, which is pretty grim.
Thank you 😊

If it’s not for you you need to set your boundaries if it makes you so unhappy.

I have to say though, looking at someone’s internet history is one thing (and I’m surprised he let you borrow the iPad knowing what you would find) but looking at his banking is quite another. That’s very intrusive and in my view worse than viewing porn.

I agree that it is a boundary, it’s more that I feel he has disrespected me for looking at porn when I was at home. We could have had sex, he didn’t need to do that.

I didn’t look at his banking, it was on the history in between one porn hit and another.

If he knows he's getting sex later I very much doubt he's finishing to porn. Most likely just edging a bit to make it better later.

So how can him not being able to finish during sex be explained if he’s edging?

This would really hurt me too.

If I wasn’t available for a prolonged amount of time, then I’d let it go. But if he was doing it while I was right there, which later impacted the sex we were having, that’s enough to make me walk away!

If you feel you need to talk to him and bring in a firm boundary here, that’s fine, but if he’s going through the efforts of paying for some content, he’s likely addicted and any later viewing will just be hidden better! Think about what you can live with here, OP.

Coincidence, or maybe you've made a mistake over dates and times. (Do you really keep a spreadsheet of times he doesn't finish to correlate to the dates in his browsing history, which you can't have seen for long.) Or maybe he hadn't got the meno that sex was on offer and jerked off only to find out later his luck was in.

There is no way a guy who knows they're getting sex later would go for a quick maintainance wank while wifey was in the shower, quite the opposite, he'd want to save up. (Well, maybe if he had premature problems but that clearly isn't the case here.)

Next time he doesn't finish just ask him in a friendly, non-judgemental way if he's wanked earlier. If he's feeling a bit shy that he couldn't finish he'll be only too keen to offer that as an excuse. Then, at least, you'll know he's doing it.

On the porn issue... His tastes won't change, so if it's a deal breaker for you you'll need to dump him. Men who don't like porn are quite thin on the ground, so I'd guess the next guy will also like porn. Hopefully he'd have more sense than to wank when he's on a promise! (Although: Sex was, and still is, great. sounds promising.)

I think you overestimate many men’s willpower here!

Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I approached this with him. Very non judgemental, said I was worried as things seem to have changed lately. Also said that as he knows, my last relationship ended because of this so I know the signs.

Told him I don’t have an issue with porn unless it is affecting our sex life. He lied to my face, said he never watches it. He also said that he would like to have more sex but is anxious because of the ED, which I do understand.

And no, there’s no spreadsheet! There’s a couple of months of history, enough for me to make the connection.

The fact that he lies and denies should be enough of a reason to walk away from the relationship.
If he can't handle an honest conversation about your sex life, then this is a dead end.

Of course that cuts both ways. If he can't talk about his porn tastes the clear reason for that is the OP doesn't take kindly to hearing about his porn tastes.

Nobody wants secrets, nobody wants to lie. We do it when we have to.

But yeah, the end result is the same, they're not compatible, so need to split up.

I agree with your final conclusion about them not being compatible, however not with the first part.
She said she talked to him in a non judgemental way. She expressed her concerns. She said she doesn't have an issue with porn in itself, just when it negatively impacts their sex life.
And he still chose to deny ever watching porn at all.

She gave him every opportunity to talk about things. He chose not to take it. She deserves better than a liar.

And even if she hadn't reassured him, when did lying become okay?
If the truth means that the relationship is in trouble, then maybe there shouldn't be a relationship to begin with. Lying takes away the right people have to make an informed decision about the kind of relationship they are entering into. There is no moral justification for lying, not even when the truth would hold negative implications.

@Regularbutnewname10 whats the sex like when you do have it? Apart from the sometimes not finishing part….

is the sex you are having together much different to the type of porn you think he watches?

Do you think he thinks that although you say you’re ok with porn, you’re not really so he’s lying so as not to make you feel insecure?

You said you think he’s paid for porn - what type of paid porn are we talking about? Cams? Etc?

Does he ever turn you down when you offer sex?

When I had ED, and wasn’t able to physically have sex, I used porn a lot, if I couldn’t ‘perform’ then it was only myself I was disappointing. My urologist actually encouraged me to masturbate more frequently to get more blood flow, but you say the sex is great, albeit pre planned so he obviously doesn’t have severe ED and is presumably able to satisfy you?

There are two sides to this - The porn itself and the lying to your face. One or both will be a dealbreaker for most, so you need to establish boundaries and trust between the two of you. It’s no good putting a blanket ban on porn, as most men will do it anyway, but the deceit and lying is the red flag here IMO.

@Smithey588 the sex is great, not vanilla, instigated by both of us. So he does want to have sex with me.

No, it isn’t much different I guess. I enjoy wearing nice lingerie. His history shows no bdsm, pretty standard milf stuff I would say.

I’m not sure re the paid for stuff. Again, the payment lines are between milf/cougar hits.

No he doesn’t ever turn me down, and vice versa.

I told him that porn is not a deal breaker. I’m not bothered by it at all.

He was quiet yesterday, told me he was thinking about what had been said. He also said that I help him see things differently and show him ways he can be a better person. So maybe he is taking on board what I have said.

Re the lying. Maybe he is protecting me. Maybe he just doesn’t want to admit to watching porn and masturbating. I just don’t know.
I think for now I’m going to watch and wait.

The lying might well be plain embarrassment about being caught out bit like a naughty schoolboy with a porn mag

this where the gender differences really come to light, my female partner can cum once or twice with a toy and then be ready for intercourse almost straight away, whereas the male recovery period is obviously very different

how old is he , you mentioned ED etc , I’m mid 50’s and sometimes cannot finish and just put that down to age

He’s 50.

One thing I’ve just thought of. He has said in the past that sometimes he has a morning erection and would like to have sex but is anxious about it not lasting so he doesn’t instigate.

I’m probably over thinking this but is the reason more that he wants to masturbate to porn when I’m say in the shower?

If he sometimes gets mornings erections then the plumbing is mostly working, men produce testosterone overnight so morning erections are a good sign, maybe he should move onto the daily meds so a bit stays in him for longer
cut down on the porn use and try more morning sex ( and try not to worry if he cannot finish, might be age )

I agree re the plumbing. He had some bloods done when he went to the docs about the Ed recently and testerone level is fine. So he is willing to address that issue.

Night time erections and ‘morning wood’ are actually different to stimuli day time erections as they take a different nerve path. A man could have complete ED but NTE. However, it’s good that he is getting NTE as that means he is unlikely to get atrophy.

I would suspect, part of his issue is physiological and he has programmed himself that he has to take a PDE5 before he is able to have sex, so your theory about him having a play whilst you are in the shower could be valid.

the lying will have many on her telling you to show him the door, whilst a minority will say it’s embarrassment or shame, or not wanting to admit he likes to masturbate to porn - only you know which side of the fence you are on- however, if you are still having good and frequent sex, then personally I don’t think you should be overly concerned.

Why don’t you invite him in the shower with you - instead of his morning routine being porn, it could be you mutually satisfying each other in the shower…

If the rest of the relationship wasn’t so good then I would be showing him the door. But it is so good, I’m just not ready to end things over the lying.

He’s a good guy, and contrary to what people on here may think, he’s kind and considerate.
I know he’s probably feeling awful about lying, and maybe in time if we need to have the conversation again he may admit to the porn use.

I’m certainly not going down the path from my previous relationship, checking the history, low self esteem, again though.

Maybe I should do what you’ve suggested, thank you.

Nobody wants secrets, nobody wants to lie. We do it when we have to.

The problem with that is.... when the truth comes out it can lead to doubt in everything that has been or will be said.

Maybe a different view that will not be agreeable but I don't worry about my husband watching porn as I feel it is quite normal today. There are worse things he could be doing, in my view, so if watching porn excites him I don't mind at all. As long as he is honest about it (we both are) it is no issue but there is always a natural reaction to deny it when you are 'caught' doing it!

A lot of people, male and female, watch porn now so it is not such and uncommon thing but how people feel about it can vary, especially in a relationship. Obviously being honest and open about it without secrets is probably the best way in a relationship but not everybody, including your husband, may be comfortable to talk about the detail of watching porn and may think you would have a negative reaction.

It seems like you should have another discussion with him and let him know that you know he does watch porn but really don't mind.

I've had similar discussions with my hubby as we have been together 20 years and got together in our late teens. When I found out he said he had been watching porn for a few years already and was open enough to admit it. A few years ago he said he wanted to really watch porn less or stop watching it completely.