I feel like such a fool! Men on OLD

[whiskeytruth]

I’m feeling a bit put out at the moment and need some advice. A month ago I took the plunge and entered the world of OLD. Started talking to a few guys and when it was time to meet in person every single one of them backtracked!
They know what I look like, our conversations I thought were going really well hence taking the next step. But 4 different men all did the same thing to me.
im so confused and hurt, none of them gave me an explanation. They just stopped responding to me.

the only thing I can think of is they don’t like what I look like as our conversations were really engaging and we’d speak all the time.

i just wish they were upfront and honest and not left me feeling like shit.

are all men like this? Pretend they like you and reel you in? I think it hurts that much more as it was 4 different men not just the 1 and they all cut contact when we were figuring out when to meet. We even spoke meeting for sex.
yes my ego is bruised and I’m hurting like crap now.

I think a fair proportion of mennon OLD are in fact married but masquerading as single men. Hence the sudden disappearance.

Do you think that once the whole meet up chat begins to take place that’s when they realise it’s time to ghost?

This. They are just looking for an ego boost (and wank fodder).

It’s really disappointing as I put myself out there after my separation hoping I’d be able to meet ‘decent’ men, not for a relationship but for fun and nights out.
I feel like a fool for being duped and for making these men making me feel like there’s something wrong with me.

I have never really had that kind of experience. I ask for a phone call first as an introduction then a video call to check if he is real and if I like him. This does not always work in the case of my present partner we messaged then I asked for a video call we had a 40 chat which was encouraging. The second video was a disaster after which I thought he wasn’t interested so I archived him. Some time later my archive indicated someone had messaged me, it was him and the rest was history we have had a couple of short holidays and are planing a holiday in September.
Don’t blame yourself for what’s happened, there is a good possibility these men were simply playing around fabricating an image of themselves which would be attract and when it came to calling their bluff they where gone. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some women do the same thing. When dating it takes time to sort the wheat from the chaff which I know can be a pain. But once you find that person you will realise it’s a game.
Keep your chin up and keep going, there is somebody out there who will be looking for you. 😊

Thanks for the encouragement…I think I’m just angry at myself right now for believing them

Just treat it as experience - like a training exercise - you now know to keep your guard up a bit more and not necessarily believe everything they say.

They probably were married/coupled up. They do this and then disappear. They also come back again so watch out!

Unfortunately the Internet is full of timewasters. But trust me, we're not all that bad! There are plenty of decent people out there. Think of it as they've done you a favour by showing their true colours early, so you can focus on meeting someone who's actually worth your time.

To be blunt- you need to grow a thick skin , I was on OLD for a while and people just stop responding when they find a better option

Sadly, this is just typical of OLD and (anecdotally) is not gender specific. There's a very long thread on the relationships board - women hate men behaving badly and men hate women behaving badly. They just behave badly in subtly different ways. (In many instances, some men and some women behave in exactly the same, bad ways.)
The thing to take away is that not all men are arseholes, but the biggest arseholes are the ones you notice and remember. You just need very thick skin, be motivated to keep plough through the quagmire, or to be very lucky.

@happygoluckyme2 I suppose I should be grateful they showed me their true colours now than further down the line where I may have been really invested. unfortunately I haven’t met these men that ‘aren’t so bad’ where are they hiding!?

@MsDDxx I definitely have my guard up now, I won’t believe everything straightaway and will question them some more when I go back into it.

Good luck - I hope it doesn’t take too long to find someone decent. They’re out there somewhere 🤞

It's not just men. I've recently had contacts with two or three "women" on OLD sites that made me suspicious. I've asked for a video chat, and either get excuses about not having time, or their camera doesn't work etc, but I think there are a lot of scammers out there.

Yes, there are definitely men in relationships masquerading as single on OLD sites, and you do have to be on your guard.

Look at the times they message you - could they be messaging just from work? Do they disappear at the same times every day?

Definitely press for at least one video call - (maybe ask them to show you around their flat / house!) a phone chat doesn't cut it. Watch out for "poor connections" or odd looking video calls - I suspect that AI is making inroads...

I've never not met someone I've made arrangements to - I think that's cruel. I try to push for a meeting earlier rather than later - I don't want to just have a pen pal!

Good luck @whiskeytruth - its a minefield!

the only thing I can think of is they don’t like what I look like as our conversations were really engaging and we’d speak all the time.
@whiskeytruth
Have you thought that it might not be YOUR looks that were putting them off, but that perhaps they had posted pictures of themselves that might not be...um... truly representative? So they reeled you in with pictures that were ten years old, or of other people, used you to bolster their ego and then couldn't meet because you'd realise what they'd done?

Are they really though?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it may be this…his personality shifted when I asked for a real time photo