My boyfriend and I (both early 40s, see each other most weekends for a couple of nights) have been together for 18months. We love each other a lot and he’s a lovely man - very thoughtful and caring in every way. We are supposed to be going on holiday for a week tomorrow.
A bit of background: initially, it was the best relationship I’d ever been in. Sex-wise, it was perfect. I felt wanted, desired, we tried new things, we both couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
Six months in, that changed completely. He told me that the honeymoon period was over, he’d gone off sex and that he wouldn’t mind if he didn’t have it ever again. This came as such a shock and seemed to have happened overnight. Before this, he’d always been mindful of my needs and initiated sex multiple times (not necessarily penetrative sex) over the weekends I spent with him.
He never watches porn (I’ve encouraged him to, to get the ball rolling, but he says he’s never really been into it and would prefer not to watch it), so it’s 100% not a porn addiction. He isn’t cheating. He was cheated on in a previous relationship and he said that it’s one thing he’d never do to someone and I trust him completely in that respect.
His sex drive just completely tanked a year ago. He says that it’s just the way he is and I need to either get used to it or we split up, as the alternative is him engaging in sexual activity that he doesn’t want to do, which isn’t fair. He thinks he could be greysexual as he now feels the urge very rarely. As it stands we only have sex when he feels the urge which is maybe once or twice a month. He has told me that he would rather not have sex but he does it for me. This makes me upset for so many reasons. It makes me feel like it’s non consensual.
He’s also on Sertraline for depression which is known to reduce sex drive. He briefly changed meds a year ago and he said it was awful and went back to the Sertraline.
He got his testosterone checked and it was normal. He got full bloodwork done and everything was normal. The doctor gave him viagra and tadalafil. He doesn’t like taking them, and the success rate is 50/50 when he does take them.
I feel terrible. My previous relationship with my ex was a long term sexless relationship and I found out my ex had been cheating on me for over a decade, hence his lack of interest in our sex life, so I’m obviously incredibly sensitive about our sex life. I find it so triggering. I realise I should probably be in therapy as I believe I probably have PTSD from that relationship.
Now whenever I spend the night with my boyfriend, if we don’t have sex for a couple of weeks, I get really upset. I can’t help it - I’m not able to hide my feelings when I’m upset.
Anyway, I saw my boyf last night and after three weeks of no sexual activity, there was yet again another night of no sex. I ended up getting really upset and now I’m not sure I want to go on this holiday. I feel like we are just friends. I’ve stopped getting dressed/undressed in front of him as my self esteem is on the floor. I’ve told him everything in this post and he says he doesn’t know what else to do. I suggested sex therapy a year ago and he refused as he thought it was ridiculous since we’d only been together for 6months. Now fast forward a year and I am miserable. I wish we’d got the sex therapy a year ago as there’s so much damage to the relationship now. I struggle to see a way back for us. My boyfriend’s opinion is ‘it’s only sex!’. He is happy to be intimate in other ways that are non-sexual but I struggle to feel a connection without it.
has anyone got any advice? Success stories? Do I go on this holiday tomorrow? I suggested to him we go just as friends and we can discuss our relationship when we return. If I was to be honest, I really don’t want to go. I am struggling to see a way forward for the relationship at the moment.
I just don’t understand how he was so full on with sex in the first 6months to where we are now.
I love him so much - I just want to find a way back to those first 6 months!