Mono with a poly partner-anyone any experience?

[mononeedshelp]

Hello,

I've namechanged for this post as this isn't something I'm comfortable with friends and family knowing, at this stage (maybe ever, I don't know) I am in a monogomous relationship of nearly 3 years and my partner is kind, respectful, loving and everything I want. He has recently told me he thinks he is poly, and wants to discuss exploring that side of himself.

We are at the talking lots and lots stage of this, I am clear that I don't want to lose our relationship but not clear on if/how/what I can cope with in terms of him dating someone else. We are accessing counselling together and seperately, doing a lot of reading, attending a support group etc etc as well as in the first instance working on building our own relationship with the view that if we did go down the route of something, we'd need to be strong as possible anyway. This post is just another bit of research for me.

If anyone has any experience of this, from either side-ideally not just disaster stories, as I know this does and can work for people-I would love to hear it, if you're willing and able to share. (or if people have forums or blog posts or whatever they can recommend, or anything at all-I am open to any help)

Hey OP ..
If you are in a monogamous relationship, & this is always how it has been regarding relationships for you , why would you think you are going to be ok with your partner having other partners ?,the likelihood of you being okay with this is very slim ..
Saying this kindly , but it comes across to me , that he just wants to sleep with other women ( which it is ) but with your consent !
Are you really ok with that ! ! , labelled as poly 🙄, come on OP , seriously 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he had said “I want to shag around…” would the conversation have gone any further than “there’s the door, use it.”

If not, there’s your answer.

'Being poly' in a monogamous relationship isn't a thing. It means after 3 years he's bored and wants to shag around. Either join him and become 'poly' yourself or stop being a doormat and dump him.

"Polyamorous": hmmmm. OK, I can't see into everyone's soul, but I think almost everyone would have sex with more than one person if they could (and some do, and good luck to them.) Recently, we've invented a word ("polyamory") for this phenomenon, which gives it a similar status to "heterosexual", "homosexual" etc; the latter two characteristics are inherent, being polyamorous isn't. He just wants to get his leg over other women.

DP and I have been ENM for 5 years and it’s worked really well. But we started out on that basis. I think opening a previously monogamous relationship is hard.

What specifically has your partner said about why he wants to explore a poly lifestyle? Sounds like he’s being very vague. His motivation for this change is crucial to understanding whether it’ll work. Does he simply want sex with other women or loving long term relationships?

Would you want to date other people too? If you’re fundamentally monogamous, It’ll be incredibly hard to stay home alone knowing he’s out with another woman.

Some resources I found helpful in navigating my journey are The Ethical Slut by Easton and Hardy, and OpenLove101 on YouTube.

Clear, honest communication is absolutely critical. Trust that you’ll respect each other’s boundaries. DP and I agreed from the outset that we valued each other above anyone else but wanted the freedom to have other meaningful relationships in our lives, whether they were sexual or not. So, if I meet a guy I like, I can go out for dinner with him and get to know him some more. He might become a good friend, or someone I enjoy a hobby with, or someone to ski with (DP hates skiiing!) or a lover… there’s no restrictions on how that relationship might develop. But I’m always totally upfront with DP about what’s going on, and we discuss how we both feel. We always make sure we’re meeting each other’s needs. Equally, if I don’t want him to go on a date because I’m feeling insecure about the “younger, prettier” woman, he’ll listen to me, reassure me. I know that he’d respect my wishes if I asked him to stay home, which bizarrely makes it easier for me to say yes. I have absolute certainty that I can decide my boundaries and he’ll respect them.

Thank you @PinotPony it's great to hear about a relationship where this is working, albeit where you still have feelings (insecurity at times) and that you are able to successfully communicate needs and reassure each other.

To posters who have said he wants to shag other women-trust me, I had the same thought. I think, ultimately, he could have gone and done that, and never told me. The fact he's come to me says a lot IMO.

PinotPony & her partner have been in a poly relationship from the onset , you have not OP ..
She also has said how hard she would imagine it to be for you, while he is out meeting up with someone else, given you have only ever been in mono relationship..
Are you interested in meeting others too ..?
I think PinotPony & you are coming from 2 completely different places , completely different relationships..
The question you have to ask yourself i suppose is , Do you geuinely feel 💯 happy with your partner keeping company, spending time , laughing , being intimate with another woman/women ..
It will be game changer or game over ….
Can I ask you OP what attracts you to it ??

I don't feel 100% happy with it, not even close. But then, it's been three weeks. I think if this is something we do, it's a down the line, with counselling and working on our own relationship first, sort of thing anyway. I do think that everyone who is in a poly relationship didn't start out that way, even if their current relationship did-there has to have been a point where they realised they weren't mono, went through that transition period etc. I also know poly people can and do choose their mono partner.

I think I owe it to myself to consider all options rather than walking away from DP who I love very much, and have an amazing relationship with (or I guess did until 3 weeks ago) I don't want to give up that shared future if I can find a path that works.

@mononeedshelp im sensing you really do not want poly relationship, you just have to be clear to Dp you are totally uncomfortable with it
how would he feel if role was reversed?

I don’t get the counselling? It’s not a you (or him) or a relationship issue? You just want different things? Tell him no. You are monogamous. Make it his decision to make, not yours.

Plus isn’t counselling pretty expensive? I’ve never had it but it can’t be less than £50/hour?!

This is exactly how it reads to me too. Is he happy for you to sleep around as well?

Him coming to you is so that he can sleep around and not have to go to the bother of hiding it.