What can I do

[FunnyEagle]

My wife and I have been married for over 15 years, and we have a 10-year-old son. Sexually, I’ve always tried to put my wife first and be a thoughtful lover. I’ve spent lots of time learning techniques and even took a course on tantric and yoni massage. We have a selection of toys that I regularly use on her, and I’ve always been up for trying new things.

One day, we found ourselves alone in the house and decided to go back to bed. We had what I thought was good sex, and using her toys, I gave her a couple of strong orgasms. I had to get up for work, so I left her in bed. About 30 minutes later, I popped back up to find her masturbating with her toys. I was devastated. I left her to it, but it made me question whether I was truly satisfying her. I spoke to her about it, but she denied it. Since then, I’ve been struggling with performance and ED issues. Her response after one incident was to tell me it was all my own fault, which hasn’t helped the situation. Over the past few months, she has stopped initiating anything, and I’m too scared to initiate myself. We’ve ended up in a sexless marriage. I asked her if she enjoys sex with me, and she said she does, but I’m finding it hard to believe since she never initiates.

I want to make this work, but I’m struggling to see a way forward. Does anyone have any advice?

Counselling.

This is a bit of an extreme reaction to her using her toys.

There were other moments that made me question whether she actually enjoyed being intimate with me—like when she’d turn down my advances and then take her toys into the shower instead. I completely respect that she’s free to do what she wants, and I’d never try to control that. Still, it naturally made me start to wonder. Then the incident happened, which seemed to confirm those doubts. None of my previous partners ever masturbated after sex, so maybe I read too much into it. But her lack of interest in being intimate seems to suggest I wasn’t meeting her needs.

We use toys and use tantra a lot during sex. But sometimes it can go for too long and be over the top. Sometimes we just want a quickie, or for it to not be ‘an event’ all the tone iyswim. Otherwise it becomes a chore.

Are you shaking it up, spontaneity and time wise?

She doesn't do spontaneous I've tried and she always says that a bedtime thing. We do have quickies as well as long sessions but again mostly at night

You're overthinking it. Nothing you've written would upset me. Learn more about women.

It isn't unusual for them to continue being aroused after they've achieved orgasm and are still coming down and during this period re-ignite the feelings and so masturbate.
Also if she feels the need for some me time that's acceptable isn't it?. I'm sure you do too. She's being open that's all and communicating. Count yourself lucky that you have such a sexually open women.

You were devastated? I think a lot of men would have been delighted! (Not being unkind just to put it into perspective). I know my OH will sometimes have some solo time after we’ve had sex. I take it as a compliment really 😂

Definitely overthinking. Don’t let this ruin things.

My DH loves it when I send him videos of me using my toys while he’s at work…don’t be threatened by them.

Ha ha so does mine @MsDDxx!

I don't think I'd have an issue if I was satisfied with our sex life but I'm not. If it was such a compliment then surely we would still be having sex rather than her avoiding it. If you're in a healthy sexual relationship then I can see it as good thing but when she won't even look at me I think it's probably not a good thing. But I accept I might be over thinking it.

Does she prefer you to initiate?

Sometimes yes but through out our whole marriage it's been 30/70 to whether she's interested. Though sometimes she reads porn to get in the mood but mostly it's a no. She probably asks me 4 times a year but not at all recently. The last few years it's felt like a chore for her which is why I suggested trying new things.

Just as it should be 😂

Revs them up for when they come home!

Massively over thinking this one
like my DH
he went to his GP, got some viagra, performance problems gone !!😉

You sound like a very thoughtful guy who has put your wife first with the tantric and yogi, but in doing so, maybe sex with you is an event that takes a lot of emotional effort, and she actually just wants something less complicated now and again? I wonder if her toys give her just the right level of intense orgasms, just how she likes them, just when she's in the mood, and it's become a more convenient way to get some satisfaction?

I think a lot of fellas would feel the same and the situation sounds like it's got out of control, especially if she is denying it.

You are right it's not what she is doing it's the denial and hiding it. There is part of me that worries I don't actually give her orgasms and she just fakes them to get it over with. Which was my initial worry that for all our time together I was rubbish in bed. It is also the fact that I have tried to be a considerate lover and have put her pleasure before my own but it's not reciprocated. I now she doesn't want to have sex with me it makes me think I'm right.