Genital herpes - how do I tell a potential new partner?

[Rocketman4980]

I had my first outbreak of GH in 2019 after being celibate for around five years. My last boyfriend didn't have it, or if he did he didn't tell me, so I don't know how I caught it. The relationship ended badly and we haven't been in touch since.

I've never had a formal diagnosis because the outbreaks are manageable and becoming less frequent and also because I thought my days of wanting sex were well and truly over. But never say never. I recently met someone on holiday who I fancy the pants off and, so it turns out, feels the same way. Nothing happened, not even kissing, but we stayed in touch and he wants me to go stay with him for a week or two abroad, where he lives.

My fear is that if he rejects me because I tell him I have GH (and let's face it, he probably will) it will send me spiralling. Due to various mental health problems caused by severe childhood emotional abuse I don't take rejection very well, nor have I had a relationship that's lasted more than a couple of years, despite lots of nice men being interested when I was younger. I'm now in my late 50s and not sure I can live much longer in self-imposed limbo now that something has been awakened.

I obviously have no idea if anything will develop down the line (or even if either of us wants it to at this stage) and have considered making some excuse not to go but if I reject him out of hand I'll never know. And if I do take the plunge, do I tell him over the phone beforehand or face to face when I get there - and risk being turfed out back to the airport? He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do that but I don't know him and people can do horrible things.

I haven't told anyone I have GH, not even close friends.

Would love your advice.

Could you say to him
is it ok if we go slow and use condoms or female condoms
to see how things work out
a gf of mine takes aciclovir from her gp
to make sure she doesn’t have a flare up ??

Personally, I would want to be told before sex even takes place, condoms or not - as condoms do not entirely protect against herpes.

It would be wrong to have sex with him without telling him beforehand, OP; I know you fear the rejection but he needs to be given the choice given the (albeit perhaps small depending on current status) risk.

I would tell him when you get there, if things head in that direction. He’s not going to send you straight back to the airport!

I agree with this.

you never know he might have it too! good luck

Have you read my post? I didn't say I wasn't going to tell him.

I would hope not but you never know!

Have you had therapy to help you manage your very intense reaction to being rejected?
You can't facilitate a life for yourself where you're open to new and potentially good things, and yet you think your mental health would be destroyed if there's a less than ideal outcome. All good thing usually comes hand in hand with the risk of losing. That's just life.
You're not at fault for what happened to you as a child, but you are responsible for managing the fragility that comes with it.

@Girlmom35
Pretty judgemental. You don't know what I've done in life, how many risks I've taken or what I've been open to. For the record, I achieved quite a lot given my early life experience. Lots of people wouldn't have, possibly wouldn't even be here now.
My post was about this specific situation.

That’s a good point!

Yes…the first poster suggested asking him to use condoms and take things slowly, which implied (to me) she was suggesting you don’t tell him. I may have misinterpreted her comment, but that was how I read it.

I'm sorry you've taken this as judgemental?
Where exactly did you hear judgement?

I was just referring to the exact words you've used in your post, saying you'd be spiralling if he rejected you because you don't take rejection very well. So I don't feel that I've gone off topic, since you brought it up.

These words have left me concerned. Not judging. Concerned.
And my suggestion for therapy was a sincere advice because I believe you'd benefit from it.

@Girlmom35 Yet you still haven't offered any advice on the actual post.

It’s fairly common and nothing to feel ashamed of. Even if people ask for their partner to have an STD test before unprotected sex, they could still end up with herpes. I’d take along some condoms and if it ends up going down that road (likely) then tell him then. I personally wouldn’t just reject someone I liked due to this, but of course i’d want to use protection. Good luck, there’s a lot of stigma around STD’s but its very easily to pick up something like herpes and it can often go into hibernation for years. Have you thought about asking your GP for Aciclovir tablets to keep it at bay?

@Rocketman4980 if you're on Instagram look up Shaun Galanos - The Love Drive. He has GH and has saved posts where he discusses how to tell a new partner. He gives very good, practical advice.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Mine was dormant for at least five years, possibly much longer. Wish it had bloody stayed that way. Thanks for the words of encouragement, it's just imagining the look on his face when I say the 'herpes' word that's the worst bit. It still freaks people out (it would have freaked me out too if a potential partner had told me before this happened) even though it's so common. I guess most pple wouldn't know that though unless they're a health professional or it affects them personally. It does seem a bit drastic to reject someone because of it though, like rejecting them because they've had a cold sore. I haven't had any tablets as the outbreaks were becoming less frequent but I'll ask for some if I have another one.
Anyway, it might never come to the point where I have to tell him, I'll just stick to phone sex. : )

did you tell him? Please tell me you got a good outcome! Recently got told I have this too