TW: Rape.

[Charliebear322]

Years ago I was speaking to my then boyfriend about having sex with him. We had only been dating for a few weeks. It was something I wanted to do, and I did tell him that I wanted to do it, but I wasn’t sure. He would be taking my virginity. In the moment, I changed my mind, I told him. I put my hands infront of my face and went into a ball. but he didn’t really listen to me and went ahead anyway. whilst it was happening I enjoyed it, but he had sex with me for hours which hurt and I became numb. I asked him to continue (I don’t know why). We would have a break for a few hours and at intervals he would just force himself on to me.
I had a lot of conflicting thoughts about not wanting him to be in trouble but I knew it wasn’t right. I spoke to rape crisis and twisted the story a bit and made out like we had never spoken about having sex because I didn’t want my rape to be invalidated. They asked if I was still in contact with him and I lied about that too because I wasn’t ready to let go and knew it I was they would do something about it (im classed as a vulnerable person). I was put on a wait list for counselling which has only just been made available years later. They have my details and my account of what happened on file to refer to.
I don’t feel like I can be honest at this point.
I found out since that he lied about being a virgin with a careful choice of words and leaving information out and had slept with someone else too so had also put me at risk.
I feel gross, dirty, and like no one good will want me if they know my past

Oh sweetheart! Counselling is FOR YOU. What you reported was what you could handle talking about at the time. While it would not good in court this should not stop you from getting some good support to process what happened and to talk about sex and relationships candidly with someone who understands your vulnerabilities. You can say,
”I wasn’t completely honest in my report, I didn’t trust that my experience would be validated.” Just as you have here. A lot of our response to sex is instinctive/reflex based, lots of women feel confused/hesitant to report rape. If you didn’t give a consistent and enthusiastic yes then it was.

Being able to talk freely will help you set boundaries/expectations to move forward.

This is good advice:

whether it’s rape or not, it has clearly affected you: personally; Although not morally or ethically right, in the court of law I doubt it would be classed as rape as you consented and even continued after a Break, but this isn’t the issue, you need counselling as it’s clearly affected you. No decent future partners will give a shit about it ( in a nice way) and it won’t tarnish any future relationships. You don’t even need to tell them.

People act in very different ways, regardless if they are giving or receiving. I had a partner 10 years ago who was a virgin and I remember our first time I would ask her every 30 seconds if everything was ok and wanted affirmation that she was happy for me to continue.

men unfortunately aren’t very good at reading emotions when it comes to sex, so it is unlikely he would have known if you weren’t liking it and in most men’s eyes , unless you say no; then it’s a green light, and even then they may continue if you’ve spoken about it prior to the deed.