Happily married except...

[QuirkyLurk]

Hi,

First ever post so please be kind.

DH and I have been married for 25 years, two adult DS and a lovely life, except... I have no sex drive at all. We have done the deed five times in the last three years (DH says) we have a great relationship apart from this, but since my hysterectomy this January, I am happy to not do it any more.

It is not an issue with me.

DH and I went to Paris recently and had a great time. Posh dinners etc, but years ago we would have spent the morning in bed. DH suggested it, but always feels he is treading on eggshells. We went out for breakfast instead and had a conversation where he said that everything is good, but we are coming to a different phase of our life now DS are both adults and sex is still very much something he wants to continue.

He gave an analogy which I think I get... He said that I go running once a week with a running club and asked why I don't go running with him instead and if I didn't go running with him, he didn't think I should run with anyone else? I said that he was not a good runner, had no interest in running and I'd rather run with like-minded people. I could see where the analogy was going and kind of played along...

He said that as a man, sex is a less emotional and more physical experience and that by the same token, as all else is good with us, he would like to find someone, (paid for) as he doesn't want a relationship, as an equivalent to the running club... Pragmatic, and solves a problem. I don't know if has actually been doing this any way, but I would love to hear if anyone else has found a way through this or has any advice...

Male here, I have been with my OH 4 and a half years, I'm 50 in 3 weeks she's 55.
We do have regular sex but she does have times like you describe where she's just not interested at all. These can be from a couple of weeks up to a month or so.

For us she said to me during those times I can go with some else but to make sure she never finds out. At first I thought she was joking but we had a proper talk and she was serious as she said its not fair for me to miss out while shes not interested (her actual words)

I'll add here that I love her to bits and I have no intention of doing it. I suspect this is a situation more common than people think.

My advice is only agree if you are 100% on board and set your own rules.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

The paid for bit is grim
Renting someone else body for your own pleasure is pretty revolting imho

otherwise the issues you face are as old as the hills.
a lot of couples will abstain, others will have an open relationship, a lot however (both men and women) will cheat.

only you can decide what works for you

Congratulations on 25 years of marriage. No mean feat in this day and age.

My advice is to ask what you think. How would you feel about it? Are you a jealous person? You said he may already be having sex with others. How does that make you feel?

My friend is having an affair. She feels fine about cheating on her husband, as he is the one who stopped wanting sex. He told her that if she wanted sex outside the marriage to go find it, but he didn't need to know. Her discretion has kept an otherwise good marriage going strong.

That was their solution. Only you and DH can find your solution. Good luck finding it.

Agree with this 100%.

Do NOT go down the route of letting him pay for sex, if you are truly happy with an open relationship there are plenty of ways he can explore that route without paying for sex, which is grim.

as a man, I find it strange that he wants to explore other avenues if its just physical for him. Surely he can have a wank and that will relieve the sexual tension, sex should be emotional (IMO) when in a committed relationship.

However, if you never want sex again, and he does, which is completely understandable , you have to be prepared that he will find it elsewhere, either with or without your knowledge or permission.

I always think that if someone goes off sex, there is often an underlying issue. For men, it is usually because of porn or ED, for women, it’s generally because of hormones or an overall unhappy relationship. Men will have sex ( usually) regardless of how happy they are in a relationship, whereas women need to feel either emotionally connected or be hormonally stable ( if that’s a thing?)

i don’t think an otherwise good relationship should end because one person wants sex whilst the other doesn’t, especially after 25 years, so either work out how to reignite your sex drive, or let him have a FWB - although I’d suggest the details are kept private and neither asks or tells the other party any details.

Totally agree with @Wherearemymarbles and @Smithey885

Also- do not get his running club analogy at all! You run with others so he wants to shag prostitutes?! Eh 😂

The analogy makes sense to me. If my DH doesn’t like chick flicks, I’m free to go to the cinema to see them with like-minded girlfriends. If I don’t like cycling, he’s free to go with his cycling friends. Sex is the one thing that we’re not allowed to do with anyone outside our marriage, so if one person doesn’t want it, we must abstain from the activity.

But the sex worker thing…ick.

@Wherearemymarbles A brick layer accepts money for your use of their body. To object to the sale of one physical service over another is arbitrary.
And don't forget that a lot of couples will divorce too.

@QuirkyLurk Both of you need to openly discuss your respective needs. If your marriage is to survive, one of you will have to compromise and there's no more reason for that to be you or your DH. If either isn't prepared to compromise, they have to accept consequences. So the real question is do BOTH of you want to stay married and if either doesn't, it doesn't matter what the other wants.

I hope you can find a way through this together.

I agree with others that the paying for part is a bit icky. But I guess its probably not to those involved.

What I would say is those that say why can he not just be happy with masturbating. Its absolutely NOT the same. It can help keep emotions and hormones in check but the idea of never having actual physical sex again is beyond frightening and soul crushing.

I feel for both of you but the fact you are on here posting about it shows you already understand and I think between you that you can resolve this so you are both happy.

I have just replied to another thread in a similar vein. In essence, unless a medical reason, I do think it is unreasonable (although their right) for one party in a marriage to withhold sex. Have you considered seeing your GP as hormones can be a powerful issue that could sometimes be helped.

Him having sex with someone else (although their paid bit does feel icky but rationale) might solve a problem, but ultimately can really play with emotions, and it might his. I ended up ending the relationship as it raised too many emotions ultimately although it might be easier for a man, although not you. How will you feel him coming home and knowing he has had sex with another woman, and if not paid for because both of them wanted to ?

Thank you so much for all of your comments. It is difficult. Mmnndnmd, that is where my head is at. We have talked more about this now than in the last eighteen years since DS2 was born.

We had a really nice cuddle last night in bed as he said he wanted to connect a bit more and there wasn't the unspoken tension of if he wants to go further as he said it would just be a cuddle.

A FWB is an option, but how does he find one. I dont feel like asking my female friends!!!

He changed his analogy as he plays tennis and has a lesson once a week. It made more sense that way around.

He is thinking of the massage/happy ending route, with maybe a bit extra.

Thataquasnail, that's a good point.

A sage collection of advice. Nice to have a few male voices in the choir, too.

Isn't there a middle ground? Can't you cuddle him while he wanks, or hand jobs or holding a flesh light for him or something that involves you?

You seem a very reasonable person, surely there is some way to combine closeness to you and pleasure for him that you can manage?

I'm not interested in knitting but I'm sure I could bring myself to give someone a cuddle and some encouragement while they knit.

But yeah, if you're happy with it then hookers seems an ideal way to give your DH a treat without being directly involved. And all the people saying there are other ways that don't involve paying for it are simply wrong. There aren't gangs of sex hungry women gagging for no strings sex like gay men. There may be one or two, but if there are I've never met them. (Having said that I'd never pay for it and I'd amazed there are enough people who do to keep an industry going.)

@QuirkyLurk getting cuddles, closer to each other, could you be open to DH enjoying some foreplay with you? chat with him as you do , ask how he’s feeling? if you’re also feeling the excitement, tell him…You might be surprised that simply through foreplay you will excite him to the point where he will orgasm…take it from there….what you got to lose by trying?

The paying for sex idea is a very drastic way of avoiding emotional links with someone else.
Could he go away for a weekend or to concerts where there are more women? Maybe to London or a tourist area and see if he can 'pull'?
Have you totally rejected trying hormones to see if you re-energise that part of you?

IMHO, in situations like this, depending what you're comfortable with, FWBs / open relationships / etc are more risky than prostitution. He is apparently capable of emotion and linking that with physical intimacy: if, with your permission, he has sex with someone else, you have to be realistic that they may both become emotionally involved. An escort is uikely to let that happen.
It is always better to look at what we can fix in ourselves than ask others to fix in themselves for our sake.

It won't just go away and if it does it will mean he is having an affair.

I'm male and in a sexless marriage, and am considering a conversation with my wife regarding having sex with someone else (though whether I'll have the courage to have that conversation is another matter.)

For me, sex would definitely not be just a physical act. I'd need an emotional or intellectual connection with the woman. For one thing, I'd need to find out what she liked and whether I could give her it. This adds another layer of difficulty if I were to talk to my wife about this.

However, I've been forced to recognise that enforced celibacy has driven me to periods of depression and, if I wish to maintain my self-respect, I have no choice but to address this incredibly fundamental and difficult problem.