Long term relationships and sex

[Witchingwitch]

How do you keep things interesting and exciting in the bedroom, after years of being with the same person? I’ve been with my husband since I was young (22), but we knew each other when we were even younger. We have a good sex life, but it’s very much the same thing.

1. communicate
2. explore
3. compromise

basically, have a convo expressing your ish to spice things up, both throw out some ideas, some you will like others you may not and vice versa and try and find the mutual spiciness level.

I’d say there’s not much more to it than this.

Being honest is a must, and listening to each other. I’ve been with my DH for 19 years and although we’ve had years where it’s been seriously lacking, we’re currently having some of the best sex we’ve ever had by trying new things.

Thank you, I shall put some of these ideas forwards.

Agree re trying different things and once you start, then try and push your comfort boundaries slightly so that it feels naughty/spicy. You will most find your DH loves it and will also want to respond as well. But also keep up trying different things periodically, whether that be some more risqué underwear or so,ex dirty talk in bed etc. Difference is the spice for a fulfilling sex life

Toys. Taking time out for just us, communications about our wants and needs.

Discuss what you may want to try, if you try it and don’t like it then atleast you tried 🤷🏼‍♀️

For us firstly I think keeping a connection and keeping ourselves in shape. I like feeling a little jealous sometimes!

He watches quite a bit of porn and will often suggest trying new things based on that. Then he films us too (sometimes). I do too but to a much lesser extent. When he’s away we’ll share links we like or one of our videos or sext. We’re both very open about communicating our wants too. It’s fun.

being in a long term relationship makes it better imho and I’ve never felt bored

This absolutely nails it. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 My tip to add would be don't make the communication all about the sex. You need to get the conversation about the bins out of the way to want to have the conversation about sex.

I can't agree about keeping in shape. XH got really turned on by my bigger boobs and belly. He enjoyed me for me. I enjoyed him for him. The attraction was so much deeper than physical bodies we wore.

Having the conversation is often the third most exciting part. Trying it out obvs the best. The anticipation and longing in-between the conversation and the trying out make the oh so fun second exciting part!

Make sure you have lots of giggles and enjoy what you're exploring together. Some of the best memories were collapsing into fits of giggles when something you think it's going to be amazing ends up being a pile of poop.

Enjoy!

Good ideas, unfortunately when they don’t work, you end up on a different thread

Just to be clear- I wasn’t giving ideas. Just answering OP question

We're the same as you, it's probably easier when you're both on the same page as each other. My sex drive has certainly increased throughout our journey together and my wife's has stayed the same, so managing that through compromise, whilst trying to keep things interesting for both has been our big challenge. I took plenty of tips from here. Filming got an absolute abrupt no. All toys apart from the wand got a no. The blindfold was worn once. Any kind of slightly sexier nightwear stayed in the drawer. The rejection in that sense made me feel a bit of a sex pest in our relationship, so I stopped trying to freshen things up. It should have been fun but it was really making things worse.
We have plenty of regular sex, so it's not all negative but to avoid tension I just respect the fact she doesn't feel the need for spicing things up and is happy with how things have always been.

I’m sure there is an app you both answer questions on and a bit like tinder you only see the ones you guys match on… so maybe that could be a starting point?
TBH my husband and I don’t really discuss sex much but have a great sex life that has gotten spicier as the years have passed… we just try new things now and again but also know what works and what the other likes… so that’s good too.
Definitely working on then other aspects of your relationship helps too- as if you’re not respectful and supportive of each other in day to day life then connecting in bed is also difficult.

For practical ideas to keep it fresh and interesting getting out of the bedroom is a simple change if you don’t already. Kitchen counter, dining room table, stairs on the sofa.

Reconnecting though touch taking it slower and more sensual maybe a massage whist not forgetting a frantic quickie like the old days.

There are loads of new toys and websites to look at different things you might like. As above being fit and healthy bit of good grooming from both parties

Netflix how to build a sex room might be a good evening watch together with a few wines!

A curve ball have a look at Christian friendly sex positions if you want a wholesome guide to spicing things up 😉

Yes, I absolutely understand it because I was there from 2008 until last year. I changed things in a an unexpected way. DH wanted different sex to what we’d had all those years he just hadn’t communicated it. I discovered it by accident one day. He wasn’t interested in sex without doing what he wanted so he didn’t do it, or very rarely - less than 10 times a year. Now I have to do things I don’t particular enjoy that much but aside from that the sex we have is great. It’s the price I pay for a marriage that involves a sex life.

I am aware things can change back at any time, so I’ll make the most of it while I can. But I absolutely, completely understand the soul destroying situation of a relationship with little or no sex. It led me to make some big mistakes and I know from those a marriage with no sex will not last for me.

@MsDDxx He wasn’t interested in sex without doing what he wanted so he didn’t do it, or very rarely - less than 10 times a year. Now I have to do things I don’t particular enjoy that much but aside from that the sex we have is great. It’s the price I pay for a marriage that involves a sex life.

But he is meeting you half way and having the kind of sex you like?

That's horrible that you feel you have to do things you don't enjoy or otherwise sex it out. Your DH sounds incredibly selfish, why not find someone who isn't just using you to indulge their fetish?

Yes, I wouldn’t put up with it all being about him.

He can indeed be selfish in lots of ways but he always, always makes sure I have a good time as well.

You will find as you get older sex changes, my partner is in he 70’s and although he gets a hard on he needs a blue pill to help maintain it. I will not allow him to take too many pills, therefore he has developed his tongue and fingers. Boy can he make me cum. You don’t need a dick all the time for good sex, if he’s open to it try other methods. Good luck 👅😘

That's very encouraging @DreamyGloucesterGirl - I've been married a very long time and over the years tried all sorts of things and had sex so amazing is it's been like an out of body experience. We can both see changes happening now (we're around 50) and our sexual response isn't what it was, but it's nice to read that one can adapt and continue having lots of fun.

@Catullus5 I’m so happy my post has helped you. All I can add is keep loving and enjoying each other. At my age I never thought I would ever enjoy a sexual relationship again. But now I have its wonderful.

Swinging !

How would you go about finding somewhere to do that? Is there clubs ?

Lets say if you were visiting the Cambridge area would there be any clubs like that there? Or where would you go? Just wondering!

@Witchingwitch 22 is young, but you don't say how old you are now? I've been with DW since 28 and we are in 50's now but still in good shape. We had a dry spell after kids and found it tricky to relight the fire other than vanilla ... I think it comes down to bravery; In that, you need to go out of your comfort zone to try new things. We had some very awkward convos to begin with, just asking what kinds of fantasies we had and what we'd like to do that we hadn't done before. For me it was things like screwing outside, voyeurism, and a general theme of risk taking. There's something about being watched that turns me on. DW and I now spontaneously screw in many places other than the bedroom, which she loves, as long as the risk of being caught is minimal. Good luck!

Among the usual things - dressing up, toys, having sex in the kitchen or living room, sending nude pics etc - DH often works away and has bought a vibrator for me which is controlled using an app on his phone!