First time in a long time

[Scottishmum1984]

Hello,
I left a pretty abusive marriage around 9 years ago and swore off men. Well recently and surprisingly I’ve become involved with a man.. and I’m absolutely terrified of having sex. I’m 40, have two DC, had a big baby, forceps, episiotomy with my first and fast natural delivery with stitches with second.
it’s been so long… what if it feels terrible for me or more worryingly what if my vagina is knackered and he feels nothing?
tell me I’m being crazy!
thanks!

@Scottishmum1984 your concerns aren't mad, but don't overthink them. The stitches from the episiotomy may have left you a little tight, it might be uncomfortable at first, but that will pass. I am sure it isn't that loose he would feel nothing. Have you not used toys / your fingers in that time since? How has that felt?

Totally normal to worry- take it slow and at your own pace. Remember mums all around the world are still enjoying sex. You soon will be again too!

@Scottishmum1984 its natural to feel apprehensive but I’m sure with an understanding partner and mutual stimulation you will once again enjoy the thrill of sexual pleasures that you’ve missed and you ll be actually not even think about your current worries.enjoy and have fun✊🏿

thank you, it’s the fear of after children and forgetting what to do ha

You managed to get it right before at least twice... Am pretty sure you will remember what to do :)

@Scottishmum1984 don’t worry, don’t over think 🤔 just relax and you ll be surprised how natural it will be and so enjoyable, it will be a new adventure, very exciting one too 👍🏿

Hi. Hope it goes well with the new guy.

I think there a a lot of misconceptions about the ‘tightness thing’, from the perspective of a man it isn’t an issue but if you want me to expand further i will do.

I hope you feel better regarding this and you enjoy yourself.

@FreshCarnations if you didn’t mind expanding further then it might help a bit! Thanks!

Ok cool, to be explicit?

So basically as a man i’d say that to be candid vaginal tightness is swings and roundabouts. If you are tighter than average, I won’t last as long during sex - the number of thrusts i can have before ejaculating is reduced. A lady who is average - lets says - will allow me to enjoy sex for longer before i ejaculate, which is my preference - i don’t have to fight against premature ejaculation in the same way perhaps. I have had sex with women who are virgins and have had 4 kids over my life so far, and i’ve enjoyed it every time - so don’t pay that a second thought. What’s important from what you’ve said is that you’re in the right headspace to enjoy this new opportunity with this new man! Hope my comments have been helpful.

Thank you, that is, actually reassuring, I suppose we get programmed to think in a certain way but it's good to know it can feel good for different reasons.

I’m glad my comments were helpful, indeed I agree there is a narrative i think we are pushed and so this is why open conversation is so important!

@Scottishmum1984 Sex should be a mutually pleasurable experience for both of you, from my experience I have found all women , irrespective of age, to be different in tightness.Your fear is understandable, and it’s not easy to relax your pelvic floor when you’re worried, that worry will cause you to involuntarily tighten, which I found I was unable to penetrate my partner successfully., you,d be surprised it’s quite common even in ladies who have given natural births. I suggest plenty, yes plenty of foreplay, eye contact with each other will help you too, and take your time..foreplay done right can be so pleasurable…if you d like more help , don’t be shy to aks✊🏿

Mate that is a weird comment, don’t say ‘her fear is understandable' and it affects pelvic floor, what are you on about ffs. Trying to have a conducive conversation.

@FreshCarnations typo error, meant to say pelvic muscles, maybe I did not articulate my comments well, but no way am I weird,you dont know me .

There are posts on this board from MNers who've had the best sex they've ever had after a long break and feeling apprehensive. There's no reason to think that won't be your experience too.
Enjoy!

Make sure you communicate this with him! If you feel like you can’t communicate with him you shouldn’t be having sex with him. Relax, slow down and enjoy the ride 😁

He will probably be as anxious as you, so go slowly and enjoy the buildup.

I understand this, it just feels a bit awkward as he doesn't know how long it's been, and I don't want to sour the mood with my insecurities about my body. I realise what you are saying makes sense though!