NSFW

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

I wasn’t going to post here as I think it’s a bit too kinky for mumsnet but I couldn’t face Reddit in the end!

TLDR: DH domination is dominating too much of my life!

This might be a long one - sorry. Around a year ago DH introduced free use into our relationship. Our sex life had been pretty stale following the kids and it had got to a point where I was wondering if I might be asexual as never fancied dtd. We obviously discussed it and drew up an agreement I was comfortable with. Basically it boils down to DH can do what he likes with me Friday/Saturday/Sunday once the kids are in bed.

In the last few months the free use has gone from bdsm to degradation. And I’ve done it all.
However with this he’s now also started bringing it up other times during the week too “Just joking” but it feels like this kink is taking over my time. Time that should be vanilla is now being covered in special sauce and I just want to scream that it’s enough about him and I have needs too.

Most recently I was experiencing a severe sub drop which coincided with the start of my period (hella hormonal!!) and I told him that I need a break from free use. Since then he’s mentioned this kink 5/6 times over the week even though he knows we wouldn’t be doing anything due to Aunt Flo.

I text him and explained the above and I asked for some consideration of my feelings. Absolutely nothing has been discussed since and he’s in a terrible mood. I think I just needed somewhere to vent as I feel I’ve done everything to please him and I’m just left feeling sorry for myself.

It sounds like this setup isn’t working for you.

I am no expert but have a similar dynamic with my partner. For this sort of thing to work, all parties have to be completely happy and enthusiastic about it. I assume you have safe words and have soft and hard limits set.
It's great that you have the agreement. This should stop him from trying to bend the rules. It sounds like time for a talk and a reassessment of your agreement.

It’s not working this month as it’s very busy work and home wise but otherwise I’m usually happy with the arrangement.
What I’m not happy with is the lack of communication after I’ve raised concerns

Thank you, yes we’ve gone back to the agreement every time but it doesn’t cover this bleed of kink into vanilla and I don’t know if I have a leg to stand on or if he’s feeling shamed. I just don’t know. Hes not talking and I’m spiralling!

In my experience in kink, the rule "real life always comes first" helps with the kink bleeding into vanilla problem. Maybe you two could develop a signal or word that you could use when you feel its happening to keep it in check?

The problem is, if he has this kink of wanting to use you at anytime and do whatever he wants - to the point of degrading you - it's all he'll ever want to do. Vanilla won't cut it for him. He'll want more, he'll want to keep pushing the boundaries.

Are you honestly really happy with this arrangement?

A fiend of mine had this arrangement with his gf but it didn't end well.

It’s concerning that when you finally communicated how you felt, he went quiet and moody instead of having an open conversation! And the jokes. That’s not healthy dominance to me, that’s passive-aggressivness.

I think you shld make it crystal clear that free use only works within very defined limits — i.e., Fri - Sun, only if you’re emotionally and physically okay with it. Any kink that requires this much emotional investment needs clear time-outs.

And remember it’s supposed to be mutual pleasure and power exchange, not one-way use. GL.

Hey, appears to me all his way but you have no say! As for degrading you, how can that be mutual enjoyment? Time to make your stance absolutely clear to DH👍🏿

You can absolutely have a kink and vanilla mixed relationship and the person on the receiving end of the degradation can get enormous pleasure from it. It's all about finding someone who's kink matches yours. It's also about respect and good communication.
I am in a very happy, mutually respectful relationship where this works for us. Having said that, I don't live with my partner and we don't have children together, which I think makes things much easier.

Why are you doing everything to please him! Especially when he doesn't seem to give a shit about your feelings? Free use is such a grim term - you're a person not a sex doll. How do you happily go from practically asexual to BDSM and degradation?

He's enjoyed degrading you and you've agreed to be used and now the wanker is on a huge power trip IMO. He thinks he actually is better than you and you are basically one of his belongings to be used as he likes - and when you don't like it he thinks the problem must lie with you and will sulk until you give in.

I'd be running a fucking mile tbh.

Tell me you don't understand BDSM, without telling me you don't understand BDSM.

If your whole life has revolved around a vanilla sex life I don't see what you can contribute.

What the OP describes is fine provided there is consent, if she wishes to partake in a free use D/S dynamic at weekends that's her prerogative and she consents to doing so, what she doesn't consent to is it happening in the week outside of the pre-prescribed boundaries.

OP - communicating via text for a situation as delicate as this isn't cutting it, set clear boundaries. If your OH can't respect these, you do not consent to such activities and you should make this clear to him.

I'm not totally convinced the OP does enjoy it that much. One line that stuck out was Around a year ago DH introduced free use into our relationship. Yes, they had a discussion and came to an agreement but it seems like it was completely his idea and she's just going along with it - I feel I’ve done everything to please him

It’s not something I would have thought of or got to by myself but I consented and we had dabbled in bdsm before so I knew what I was getting myself into.

I know this man inside out, we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Our sex life wasn’t working for either of us before even though we both loved each other to pieces. I’ve done everything to please him because I like to please him.

HAVING SAID THAT I am annoyed that I asked for some consideration and haven’t got it. I want more intimacy during the week and to keep this stuff to weekends. I’m also annoyed that apart from backing off he’s ignoring the situation because it’s making me crazy!

@Sundaymorningcallayou’re right that texting isn’t the right way to go about it looks like I’m going to have to suck it up and have a conversation. Urgh!