Dry spell sex-wise but don’t care- will I ever care again?

[olivetree7]

just that really. My DH and I are mid 40’s, been together 25 years, 2 teenage kids. We’ve never been rampant or adventurous- probably only a couple of times a month, but it’s now been months.

Still fairly affectionate with each other but I have zero sex drive now and just feel like I can’t be bothered. I have distant memories of enjoying it but just no interest or motivation for it. We’re often too tired at night and he falls asleep quickly, so morning has always been our ‘time’, but I find myself getting anxious when he cuddles up behind me in the mornings incase he instigates and find myself making excuses to get up early to avoid the situation, so feel this is a ‘me’ issue.

nothing has been said, it’s not something we talk about generally, and he doesn’t seem bothered or frustrated, we’ve just slipped into whatever this is and accepted it.

Everything else is normal. I’m not unhappy and as I type this feel like I could quite happily never have sex again 😳 I’m aware there are some things that could be influencing this- largely around this time of life- perimenopause and generally feel like I’ve lost a bit of confidence/ anxiety buzzing around my head distracting me.

just not sure I’m ready to accept my marriage moving into a platonic relationship as it just feels odd and makes me feel like we will turn into an old married couple looking for separate beds next…! The feminist in me is shouting down my thoughts that it’s my ‘duty’ to keep my husband happy, but it is at the (very, very, very) back of my mind.

is it a just a case of use it or lose it? Should I just instigate and hope it makes my sex drive come back?

any words of wisdom gratefully accepted 🙏

If you have lost your libido completely and think it might be perimenopause and lost confidence I personally would address those before writing off my sex life in my mid 40s! What have you got to lose?

If I were you, I would ask your husband if he cares about your sex life? I’m peri late 40’s and it’s something really important to my partner and myself ( at least 4 times a week though together for 5 years).
if it’s a loss of confidence some exercise, new haircut and clothes plus new lingerie may help. But you need to want this. And you need to talk to your husband… married 25 years and unable to have a conversation about sex - this is the fundamental problem. If sex is important to him you have choices to make or a lot to lose potentially if he isn’t happy.

Thanks both, yes I think this is why I’ve posted as I’m not ready to accept it and want to do something about it but not really sure how to get it back. We are rock solid otherwise and in theory we have more time on our hands now the kids are more independent- perhaps I need to start making more effort again so we don’t just slide into complete decline and complacency.

i don’t know why I don’t want to talk about it either with him!! You’re right- I should be able to, I guess it’s opening a can of worms- I don’t want him to feel it’s him or that I don’t love him, I just don’t get the urge anymore…

I’m still on the pill but people I know have been given testosterone with their HRT for libido, might investigate that…

@olivetree7 just go on a nice long walk with him, hold hands … and talk about sex. He will probably feel relieved. My problem is if I’m not happy with frequency of sex I can only bottle it up for a week max. We’ve had difficult and uncomfortable situations at times. But long term it’s made us stronger as we’ve worked towards making each other happy. For me it’s the connection and feeling close to my partner during and after sex that I feel is sacred to me.
A spa break with a night away might be a good start…

I was in the same situation as you in my late 40s, could have written this myself in fact. Now in early 50s DH & I have rediscovered our sex life. My solution was to discover my sexual side again by reading erotica, that seemed to trip a switch back on in my brain. Also think HRT definitely helped. Good luck!