Hi all,
I could do with some help on this one as I’m feeling like my life is slipping away before my very eyes and I am missing out (and have missed out for years). And, please don’t judge for what I’m about to say.
I was very naive and early 20’s when I married. Just out of university and married an older man (11 years older). Had very little experience with guys up to that point (as innocent as a rose!). I had lived with my divorced mother and had no contact with my father post-11 years old. Older siblings had also left home by the time I was 7 (all male) and made their own families.
Mum had little money so I didn’t go anywhere (apart from an annual trip to the seaside) and this was the driver for me doing better for myself (which I did, and I am now in senior management in my profession). I met future husband when I was at university and we got talking etc. We ended up going out, days out here and there, holidays abroad (and I’d never been abroad) and we enjoyed spending time together. I always felt a little uneasy about the age gap but brushed it off. We married. From early on, I felt he wasn’t making me feel satisfied (if you know what I mean) and that chemistry’ in the bedroom just wasn’t there. He had been single for most of his adult life and was in his 30’s when I met him (he was still living at home with his parents). Anyway, we married much to everyone’s joy (including his mum, who was a lovely lady - she, sadly passed 4 years after we married). My husband was never a tactile man. We were never passionate in the bedroom (which I craved as I’m
a very passionate/sensual woman). We never kissed. We never held hands. You get my drift?
In time I started to realise he was actually turning me off. His idea of initiating sex was to gently touch my bum in bed, get on top, do his stuff and roll off! It was dire and unfulfilling. However, we managed to conceive our first child, even though sex was becoming less and less frequent (my doing, as I would just get the ick). My desire to be a mother was strong at the time (early 30’s), which was probably nature and hormones! So, I was tied to him being the mother of his child. I loved raising our boy. I wanted a second but we hardly had sex and we ended up with artificial insemination to get pregnant a 2nd time. We’d been through tests (nothing wrong) and we’d dtd around ovulation (even though I was bored). However, our marriage became sexless after our youngest was born. I was not turned on by him at all. He wasn’t a passionate man and, in some ways, I often felt he wasn’t all man (his friends were all single, older men and they all shared a predominantly male hobby - that you have probably guessed). He just didn’t seem normal, sexually, with his lack of horniness, desire and actions in the bedroom. I so inexperienced, I didn’t realise!
I carried on working and raising the children. Lost my mum to cancer when the kids were 11 and 7. I had to juggle a demanding career and raising children mostly alone (he was a bit useless in that department too)!
Marriage was now well over 10 years sexless and I was living without, not just sex, but closeness, affection and the feeling of being desired. I’m now early 50’s btw. Children and my job kept me busy but there was something missing that I’d always put to the back of my mind.
Driven by an early menopause at 45, I changed! I felt different and more sexual. Well, without going into much detail, I ended up chatting to another man (online) who was close in age to me and we got on well. Very well, in fact. Of course, it quickly became sexual (phone, pics etc) and, because we are separated by significant distance we both thought nothing will happen. I started to see
my marriage differently and started to withdraw. The OM was also married and (like many on this forum), living in a sexless marriage (no children). He was always the one to cool things to stop it going further (as in, not to meet) but, after a year or so, we did. Nothing happened the first time apart from a very passionate kiss but it was obvious both of us liked each other and the sexual chemistry, I’d so desperately craved, was there with him. He cut contact after we’d met saying he didn’t want to go down that road etc. and felt guilty. Anyway, it didn’t stop. We met. Had amazing sex (I was so hormonal at the time, my considerations for others went out of the window - I felt I could, finally, give in
to those desires that I’d kept suppressed for many years ). I ended my marriage immediately. It has been a long divorce and I have lost a lot. However, I regret staying in a marriage that was doomed in this way. I felt lonely and frustrated.
I have continued to meet OM over the years and he has often said he won’t leave his wife. They live in expensive part of the country and, tbh, he would struggle financially without her. He has told
me about his marriage and it has become obvious (and with a bit of detective work) he is being honest about that. And, he has told me a few times he can’t give me what I need/deserve and wants me find someone who can. However, it starts up again and it’s apparent that I have strong feelings for him. It is a tragic shame he isn’t available. We have met recently and spent the whole day together as friends. Nothing happened apart from a couple of hugs and some hand holding.
So, although I am failing miserably to find someone else (as I don’t like anyone on dating sites and have a busy job) - mainly because I have feelings for someone else (who can’t be mine). It’s killing me inside, especially as I now live alone (mostly). Eldest is at university and youngest about to go but both stay with their dad most of the time now. Both blame me for the split but neither know why I did it (no-one does). I fee
I cant tell them as they are young and wouldn’t understand. I have lost my siblings and have no-one in real life to confide in but I couldn’t carry on in a marriage like that. It became obvious what was wrong and what I was missing BUT, the problem I have now is, I have feelings for a man (who has given me lots of support over the last 8 years) that I can’t have, I’m alone now, still
missing out on affection/companionship and, well, sex and feeling even more sad than ever before!
I am unable to have sex with someone I don’t have feelings for - this has always been my problem!! I get lots of male attention at work and men just can’t believe I’m in this position!
Can anyone advise before I buy a cat and become a cat lady!!!?
I really can’t let go of OM altogether. I care
for him a lot. I can let go of the other stuff (which he is trying to stop between us anyway).
I know I should never have let this happen but it did!