How to rekindle sex post babies

[ChampagneLassie]

Two little ones, youngest 9 months. We’ve had sex only a handful of times since she was born. Finding the time and energy feels challenging. I know that the more we do it the easier it will get. I think it’s more him than me, I’d jump ant it when on offer, I need to find subtle ways of getting him more in the mood. Any tips?

@ChampagneLassie I guess stresses of family life etc has also affected DH? What has DH reaction been when you’ve tried to be intimate?you feel you no longer excite him? Few times in 9 months is not healthy for you…

I think if you’re both exhausted that’s understandable! I would say don’t put pressure on yourself. Maybe just start with affection, telling him how much you appreciate him and what a great dad he is (plus how attractive you find him), and building the intimacy and connection back again. Good luck

Whoa slow down Reidwood, before we decide what's healthy. Post baby is HARD. Me and my partner are very much still into each other, and our sexlife normally is super charged. However, that first year of baby is tough, and a few times in the first months is not outside the norm. Lots of things might be impacting this, for example sleep. If your little one doesn't sleep through the night like mine didn't for over a year, your sex life can be abolutely wrecked, because all you can do is focus on keeping little ones alive and just getting through the day 😂I didn't find that my sex drive came back properly until nearly a year and definitely after I'd stopped breastfeeding. I wouldn't put pressure on yourself OP, what you're experiencing is well within the realms of normal.
Having set that, if you do want to rekinfle things as you're saying your energy levels have come back and it's hubby that's the reluctant partner, what about spicing things up with a little bit of unexpectedness...variety is the spice. Have you got anyone who could look after little ones while you check into a hotel, even very local just for one night? A new piece of lingerie and a hotel does wonders

@daphney I understand totally, everyone is different but I was sensing @ChampagneLassie is now ready and desiring to more intimacy but her DH appears to have lost his mojo? Yes I agree time away from kids.., hotel etc is definitely a way ahead✊🏿

Thankyou @Gymbunny2025 this is an easy starter (affection & praise) @daphney @Reidwood yes the few times we have had sex he seems to need a bit of…trappings as it were, ie setting peace, glass of champagne etc and much as I enjoy that too…that’s not really possible on the regular. I’d rather we could just fit a quick 5 min in without all the build up! (Feels a bit like a reversal of stereotype!) but I’m thinking maybe I need to put more effort into the romance side in particular more effort with my appearance, heels, fancy undies etc to get ball rolling then if we get back into more regular maybe I can drop. I feel a bit…irritated that it’s another thing I’ve got to make effort with when I’m also knackered and time poor

He might just need a bit of time/space to come out of Dad mode and into sexy beast mode! Rather than needing you to be dressed up and drinking champagne it’s that he just needs to be together as a couple for a bit before sex? I guess next time you have a glass of something you could talk to him about it. Once you get back into the swing of things the quickies will come back too don’t worry 😉

Don’t be too hard on yourself

I know I felt a bit rejected the first year after baby.

How about a break away to break up mundane life? Even with children with less stress of cooking, work and cleaning might break the cycle? Book an apartment so you have a separate space to children

You say "when it's on offer " . . Does that mean you always wait for him to initiate and your upset with the amount of times he's doing that? Or does he rebuff your advances?

@ChampagneLassie hey, you’re having to make all the effort and moves but it appears DH does not notice reciprocates at all? What excuses is he giving you to avoid intimacy?

John Delaney says no one yells you how hard it is post baby and for some time it's survival sex. I.e. you've got 8 mins and just grab a quicky and the back to parent life.

Maybe a bit of that urgency too might help?

As well as couply hotel date night.

I hope you get your groove back soon and he finds his mojo x

Have a look at the book by Dr Karen Gurney - How to not let kids ruin your sex life.

It can be hard and I know how you feel, very hard to plan it when you have a baby. I remember 4 months after having the baby and still not had sex, I felt very irritated as I had been working out to look good. Goodness me I wish I didn't have a sex drive, I became very frustrated. No advice but I know how you feel.

In your OP you're asking for subtle ways to get him in the mood, but why subtle? How about the next time you're alone together you just put your arms around him, give him a kiss and ask if he wants to go to bed? Men are pretty simple creatures I've found!

Hah. I smiled reading this reply. I was very much the same. Had been working out and hadn’t put huge amount of weight on but he seemed to not come near me and I was getting frustrated. I decided to go for the moment when I knew the little one would be sleeping in the afternoon on a weekend. I’d been to the beautician that morning so was very well groomed and waxed as well which always is his favourite and literally stood by, kissed him and led his hand up my skirt and told him what I wanted him to do to me and to do it now! Didn’t feel very sexy at that point but worked as another poster suggested.

Got us back in the groove and we recognised to snatch moments and not wait for the perfect time which often never arrived.

@Jojo070284 sort of, but it’s tricky isn’t it? I can’t really have that discussion either as I don’t think he’s going to up the game because he’s told to.

It’s always been way that he initiates…if i tried i think he’d just be apologetic but not in mood. And not enough time for the amount of build up he likes unless we schedule it (it has to be during working day when have childcare, as our kids are pretty full on and light sleepers who wake regularly and I’m too knackered myself to consider it evening.

He’s just be apologetic and say he’s not up for it. I think. But I will try doing more. And making more effort with my appearance. We both work from home and I’ve become quite slovenly so I can totally see that seeing me day in day out with no effort I’m not exactly appealing