DW says she is perfectly happy not orgasming every we have sex ?

[dogsdontcatchcolds]

I need a female perspective, married two older kids, great sex life normally PIV 4 times a week. DW has a copper coil so no need for condoms etc. She has never orgasmed with PIV, and normally orgasms with a wand normally once or twice a month. I feel terribly guilty about this, but she reassures me she is perfectly happy and doesn’t need to orgasm every time
She says women are complicated, and everything needs to be right for her for that to happen, ie work, washing, kids downstairs, parents etc And that men are simple beings.
She says she simply likes it when I finish inside her and tells me not to over think things
help is she right ?

Pretty much sums it up. I’d agree with this.

I agree with your wife. Of course I enjoy orgasming but it’s not important to me to orgasm all the time. Husband finishing in me is very intimate and lovely

I agree… there is more to sex than an orgasm. There is the closeness, the intimacy and the vulnerability. Plus piv without an orgasm still feels good.

I'm confused - do you never make her orgasm, only her wand? Or does she orgasm with wand and sometimes with you but not all the time? If it's the second one then I'd say I'm similar and very happy with that. But if she only ever orgasms with her wand then I think you need to be putting in a lot more effort with foreplay!

Just to clarify I use the wand on her
she says she never masturbates herself
she likes the analogy sex is like cake, and sex with an orgasm is like a cake with icing
she says cake on its own is still great

It’s not true for me - I can orgasm no matter how stressed I am about life 😂

And for me, maybe I’m unusual, but I need the orgasm for sex to feel “complete”. I’m not satisfied just having sex.

In 20 years I’ve never had sex and not climaxed.

Same.

however I’m sure your wife knows how her body and desire works! Why don’t you believe her?!

My wife is probably similar to yours. No orgasm from just PIV, requires the wand (with PIV). It takes a while but she will orgasm from oral, but prefers PIV+wand. She doesn't complain and if your wife isn't complaining then I'd just listen to her. She'll know best, everyone is different, so I would say she is the only one to give the right feedback. I'm still hopeful she'll one day be able to finish from PIV alone, but I think I've exhausted all options by this point!

My partner can like yours, I have noticed that everything has to be right in order for her to release enough to orgasm , but I bought her a. Womaniser and that seems to do the trick most effectively ( better than I ever could TBH )

also I have a few health issues that mean I don’t always orgasm either- so sometimes neither of us will - or maybe just she will

Its interesting you frame a great sex life as PIV four times a week. I would imagine if you were orgasming once or twice a month you wouldn’t describe it as great?

There is nothing wrong with maintenance sex to tick you over on both sides when you have busy lives but is sounds like you need to make more space for yourselves (your DW) to get her out of her own head.

Maybe focus on quality rather than quantity if you want her to have sex that transcends what she’s currently experiencing if that’s what your goal from this post is as you mention you feel guilty.

You also mentioned that she can’t O from PIV but she can with a wand which is good you can use that together but you don’t mention about oral can she not O from this either?

The other issue maybe sexual history. If she’s never experienced great sex then she doesn’t know what she’s missing. Unfortunately the flip side is she has experienced and she’s not getting it from you of which there a few tales of on here. (Two threads in particular come to mind ) just be aware sometimes once the genie is out of the bottle there’s no going back.

If you know it’s non of the above then the fact is that she is having the sex she wants and enjoys. In which case listen to that and focus on your own pleasure and free yourself from guilt. Feeling she needs to be fixed can lead to the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.

DW doesn’t like oral, me giving it to her though I would love to , she’s happy to oblige me with a condom on as she doesn’t like the taste of semen
I’ve never really thought of our sex as maintenance sex ?
strange concept
do other couples have maintenance sex ??

Sounds very one sided.. why can’t you help her to orgasm In other ways when you have sex

It's perfectly possible she doesn't need to orgasm every time, as others said sex is not all about orgasms and it sounds like she's enjoying what you do so no need to overthink it. Btw 4 times a week is a great frequency, I could have only dreamt of that with DH.
But as for "she never masturbates herself"? Honestly that's probably BS. Of course she masturbates, probably with the same wand, or in other ways. We all do it, but some of us don't like to admit it.
But that's not to say that she doesn't cum with you because she cums by herself, that's not how it works for us girls. It's simply that she can't cum from PIV, which many women can't. You could work on your technique, try different positions or try stimulating her clitoris with your fingers or a vibrator during PIV, but as she said there's also psychological factors at play. If she knows the kids or the in-laws are downstairs, she can't mentally relax enough for it to happen.
The main thing is you're not ignoring her needs (unlike some other husbands, ahem...) so well done, you had the conversation and she told you how she feels, so you just have to take her word for it and move on.

I agree with your wife. I’ve hardly ever orgasmed during sex (now aged 53)! It doesn’t mean I still don’t enjoy it though (with the right man…but that’s another story)! However, I have lived in a sexless marriage for years (my story) so that probably explains why I haven’t had earth shattering orgasms!

We're all intrigued now! Who's the right man, if not your DH?

@FiveFoot6 have you orgasmed in pvt on your own? The intense pleasure I get is intoxicating 👍🏿

Long story - check out the post I’ve just put up!

I think 16 times a month with no climax is strange tbh and wouldn’t leave me feeling satisfied. Do you spend time on foreplay? If so, what do you do? Would you like suggestions from us for other things to try?

A new toy might be a good idea, eg a G spot vibrator since she’s already getting pleasure from her clitoris. You could control the vibrator or ask her to show you how she likes it.

I expect because he suspects she might be being nice to save his feelings in case its something more complex

Not for me no. 9 times out of 10 I will orgasm when I have sex. If I don't it is usually because my head isn't really in it due to tiredness or stress and nothing to do with my DH. The sex is still enjoyable but without an orgasm I don't feel satisfied sexually. I feel like this even if I have orgasmed during foreplay. Before him, I never used to orgasm a whole lot during sex, I think it's a combination of him being more skilful than previous men and also being able to let go mentally because I am comfortable with him.

I did chat to her last night
particularly in view of all your comments
she did roll her eyes a little bit and asked me where the hell did all this come from
I’m her only partner we met when she was 18, she is very vanilla, she doesn’t like new things, when I asked her whether she does things for herself she looked at me in horror and I believe her
we really do have busy lives 14 + hour work days
she doesn’t like me touching her downstairs before piv, she is very much in control
she assures me she is very happy with our sex life
I guess it’s horses for courses
we have been together 30+ years
she’s the best ❤️
I can respect that, maybe I’m getting too much anxiety from reading MN treads

Sounds like a case of mismatched libidos BUT matched affections. If the OP's wife only wants or needs an O twice a month but is happy to otherwise participate then that's better than the alternative of a much less active bedroom.

Maybe look for opportunities to lessen the real life burden to help her relax more.