Sex Therapy

[life543]

Has anybody (UK based) had sex therapy with and/or without partner? Did it help and how did you go about finding a therapist?
I can’t get out of my head and enjoy, and it’s starting to make me feel inadequate and I don’t want it to impact life with husband. I have had therapy for anxiety and depression but never something so intimate.

I had some, but mine was trauma-based so may be different to what you're looking for. Do you know what is at the root of your difficulty to let go and enjoy? Is it self confidence? Self esteem? Anxiety? Trauma? I know Relate offer sex therapy but I've heard very mixed reviews about them. The best therapist I ever found was someone local I found by Googling. xx

(Ready for some TLDR?)

I can't tell you how effective it would be as my marriage disintegrated for more reasons than just sex. However, look for counselors who are registered with COSRT (my experience of Relate was poor), and consider whether you want a psychotherapist or a psychologist. (Costs increase dramatically with qualufication and you get what you pay for.) There are online directories (Google is your friend) and between those and individuals' personal websites, you should be able to get a sense of their speciality. Some will offer a free 15min(?) phone conversation first, but i don't think that's enough - you need to meet someone to know you'll be comfortable talking intimately about sex. Be prepared to change counsellor and start again from scratch if it's not a good fit.

Know what you want to achieve. It sounds like you do, which is a good start, and remember that you can only fix yourself, not your partner.

A lot of counsellors won't talk to a couple separately AND together, some will, and you'll probably have to ask. It's a double edged sword as, any conversations between the counsellor and one partner will only be shared if that partner wants to share them - that means your secrets are safe, but so are your partners.

I think a lot of counsellors suggest 6 sessions. I'd say that is a bare minimum, so be prepared for the long haul. Just remember success is cheaper than failure.

Thank you both!
I am not sure of the root - I have never been able to. I suffer with anxiety and self-esteem and have had multiple rounds of therapy which has helped so much but it’s a work in progress. I feel scared and scared to talk about it!
I’ll do some googling - thank you for the advice!

Hi, listen to sound advice, of course it’s something that you’re worried about but what you got to lose for just trying? I’m assuming you’re not used to talking openly about yiur inner thoughts feelings etc..YIU think it’s wrong too?or makes you feel there is something wrong if you have to seek help?

Without wanting to say this is also you- but in my life I’ve had people tell me to just relax/stop thinking/enjoy etc. including one sexual partner who used to get frustrated he couldn’t make me orgasm through penetration and told me the issue was me not relaxing and over thinking… it was incredibly stressful!!

but I realised later on in my life the issue was him/us. Not me. I now do orgasm through penetration. No idea why the change. But my brain is the same 😂

please ignore if not helpful but just thought I’d share my experience ☺️

Thanks - I actually think it’s me putting the pressure on myself constantly telling myself to relax and stop thinking. i have never orgasmed and I really want to - which is having the opposite effect and I’m getting more frustrated.

Hi op

I am a DH whose DW sounds very much like you in the first years of our marriage. She was upset she couldn’t orgasm and put pressure on herself. I tried to fix it for her which was a terrible idea and made it worse. She for various reasons that emerged much later was very much in her own head.

There were times when I thought it would end our marriage until one day I read an article in a magazine about magic wand’s I bought one from America with a mains adapter and honestly we used it once and that was that she could orgasm.

After that it opened up a pathway for her and gave her more confidence. Available information is so much easier to find nowadays. We still work on our sex life as those early days made us thankful for what we have now.

I have had individual sex therapy in the uk. I was advised against therapy and that ST would fit better I had 2x sessions that I could afford at the time and they were incredibly helpful to me.

long story but we were kindly gifted a session with a couples sex and relationship guru and she was amazing in the 1 hr we had it demonstrated what money can buy. I would not of got my wife to go anywhere but the session was on teams and as it was a gift she consented to have a go and it did her a world of good.

I love the advice here so hope that is useful to you. It can be a lonely place and hard to talk about in RL so good luck with everything 👍

@life543 youve realised that putting in necessary pressure on yiurself actually hinders you enjoying the pleasures of sex…just go with the flow, be explorative and have no hang ups about achieving orgasm, you d be surprised it will happen when you expect! Have fun experimenting ✊🏿