Hello Mumsnetters, I hope you are well. I want some advice if possible. I’m sorry this will be long. I feel like I might have been taken advantage of and wondering if you could help me.
my partner and I have been together for 8 years now. We do possibly have a more stressful life than most - we have three children, two have chronic disabilities and additional needs. I am autistic and have ADHD and I have physical health issues too - but they have only arisen the last couple of years.
My sex drive has always been higher than his, and it took a while to get used to. We tend to do it once a week but even this is dropping now. It was more consistent when we had a ‘deal’ and he would get something he wanted in return for sex. But since I’ve taken that off the table, I’m lucky if we are intimate once a month.
My issue is that it’s always on his terms really - when he says so. It’s very routine - ie the same night of the week. We do the same thing every time. There’s never any spontaneity. He doesn’t flirt with me, touch me in an intimate way between. He doesn’t compliment me. I can’t come on to him I’m rejected most of the time or he can’t do it. I’ve caught him once looking at an Article of a naked celebrity and he said ‘I’m just a man’. I’ve seen him look at other women. This has given me so many self esteem issues through the years. After we had our first baby I ended up not eating and walking 5 miles a day. I convinced myself it was all my fault. Dropped 6 stone in an unhealthy amount of time and he still didn’t show me any interest.
I feel like I’ve been chasing his attention and his interest for the last 7 years. I spent 5 years telling him how it makes me feel - ugly, worthless, not female - and almost begging for it to be different. The last couple of years I kind of gave up and just resigned myself to accepting I’m not what a man wants.
I used to get a lot of excuses - the kids mainly but now they’re older and there’s been numerous times we are alone and he doesn’t show me any interest. Or that he’s tired from work - but recently he’s had weeks where he isn’t working. I feel invisible.
I get attention off other men - I think - although I’m not good at reading those signs. It’s got to the point I think I’m that disgusting that no man would ever find me attractive so I’m not sure if other men are just being polite or if they are in fact flirting. He tells me he just doesn’t have a high sex drive, he doesn’t masturbate, that he does find me attractive - but he doesn’t back these words up. It’s left me feeling so confused.
The last 6 months however all of these feelings have resurfaced and I can’t ignore how useless he is making me feel in that area. I’ve gone from comfort eating and gaining a stone to now trying to exercise which I always take too far. I have physical health issues now and I don’t have the energy I used to. I feel that disgusting I scrubbed my skin so severely yesterday and shaved every last hair off my body. I feel like I must smell and be absolutely repulsive.
It’s affecting the way I see myself so badly. I don’t know if I’m making something out of nothing, if I’m reading it all wrong and if I’m complaining about nothing. He keeps telling me this is normal in a relationship. I’m constantly punishing myself in some way or overspending to make myself feel better. I just want to feel seen and attractive to him.
This has changed me so much. I used to be so confident in the bedroom. I loved having sex and experimenting. But now it all seems ridiculous and I feel so pathetic. I even feel guilty for having these ‘needs’ like I’m too minging to have them and women like me aren’t seen that way. It’s even affected my personal enjoyment with myself through the years I just feel silly and like such a freak - like anything sexual shouldn’t be done by me. But now I’m going through hormonal changes, I want these things and it just feels like it’s a duty he fulfills. I lie there feeling so disgusting and hating myself.
With me he gets the house, the kids, the car. If he leaves he has to move back into his parents. I feel like he’s just saying what I need to hear to stay here. He always says he will try more, but it never materialises. We feel like friends. I don’t know if I’m just being a mug. I know he’s a good liar as I’ve caught him in a lie before now. I just don’t know what to think and it’s affecting me badly again, so much self-loathing and punishing myself. Am I just being stupid?