Erectile disfunction

[notmyname1]

Me and my partner have been together a few years both early 30s he has been to the drs had bloods done and other things all came back clear
He is struggling with ed but not all the time
Sometimes it's just like a delay then it's up other times completely normal
Then there is sometimes no matter what it just will not go up at all
We have spoke about it for months but can't get to the bottom of the cause
Since the drs pretty much give him the all clear I have been blaming myself and dread even trying

He reasures me it's not me and it is also getting to him aswell

Also he has been prescribed viagra from the drs but I really don't want him to use it it's making me feel like the only way he can go anywhere near me is with medication
I'm worried it's going to ruin our relationship

Just try the Viagra. Might just be a temporary blip ☺️

I really don't want to go down that route we looked at it and the want to do it still has to be there for them to work
i think I'm scared it still wont work and then it will confirm what I have been worried about all along

If he wants to try it, then he obviously cares about your physical relationship. Men experiencing E.D can feel a lot of shame, and there's a possibility you could make him feel worse by refusing to try it because you're scared of the outcome. I get why you're worried, but I think you're the one risking the relationship by not being willing to try a potential solution to this issue.

Think of the Viagra as a helping hand - a way to reassure ( both of you) that everything is still in working order and it will help mentally reassure both of you

Ok, so first of all, it’s 100% NOT you, a man’s penis not working has no reflection what so ever on the person they are with.

Secondly, a GP ( assuming that’s who he’s seen ) will typically not be concerned about a young fit male in his 30’s who has ED and will tell you there isn’t anything wrong. He needs to see a urologist, preferably go private, pay £300 for a consult and a Doppler which is the only way of accurately assessing ED.

ED happens at some stage to nearly all men. He only needs to be stressed once, or tired, or have an overly fatty meal for it not to work properly and then it is further compounded by being psychologically worried about the same happening subsequent times and it becomes a viscous circle.

if it only happens occasionally then I would suspect it’s psychological rather than physiological.

PDE5’s like viagra and cialis can work, but will have less of an effect if it’s psychological. So, if he takes a viagra, and there is no improvement it does not mean it will never work. I would suggest 5mg or cialis daily; taken as a supplement when he wakes up. Cialis lasts for up to 36 hours and if it becomes part of his morning routine he should/might see improvements. This should get his mojo back and he can then stop taking them once his confidence is back.

couple of questions:

is he overweight?
does he smoke?
does he have a generally healthy diet?
does he drink excessively?

all these play a huge role in penile health and if the answer to any of these is yes, then you should see a noticeable improvement if changes are made.

the biggest advice I can give you is don’t make a big deal out of it when it happens, reassure him and don’t put any unnecessary pressure on him to perform.

if you want to try a more organic approach, cock rings are great, as they trap blood in the corpus cavernosa, but he has to get hard to begin with for this to work- and only wear a ring for 30 minutes max!

it’s great that he seems to want to sort it, and it’s great that you want to help him, but working alongside ED takes patience from both of you, but the rewards can be immense.

I’ve had PE, ED and Peyronies, so I know exactly how it feels, but i’ve come out the other side stronger than ever so I can assure you there is always a fix.

I think I'm just struggling to get by head round that sometimes it can be totally fine
Like just last night we where messing around he seemed all good everything was as it should
I jumped in the shower came back out with Nothing on started messing around again and there was nothing
I feel like it's not a coincidence that everything was fine fully clothed and not 30mins later when I've took everything off

How open is your conversation?

Some really great advice above, and I would second that it absolutely isn't you, just like your car not starting isn't because it doesn't like you 😂

If you have open conversation, one of the first things to discuss nom judgemental, is whether he has the same problems when he's maturbating alone. If not, then it's likely to be psychological, if he does, then further specialist advice might be an idea. Important that if he doesn't have the same issues, you dont judge him or take it personally.

This is probably because when you were both fully clothed, he wasn’t expecting sex, and therefore could relax which meant everything worked.

When you came out of the shower in the buff you were primed for sex, and anxiety got the better of him.

I’d bet my house it’s psychological . next time suggest you shower together and build things up a little.

For most men, sex is sex, it’s a means of releasing sexual urges and what a women looks like actually plays only a very small part. When i was fully functional, any kind of sexual contact, regardless of what they looked like would get me excited, and if your partner wasn’t attracted to you, he wouldn’t still be with you after 2 years.

I agree with @daphney about the open conversation, have a glass of wine together and make it about ‘us’ rather than him and be honest and communicate your worries.

@notmyname1 im sensing you have this issue in your thoughts and it’s beginning to affect you, question your feelings etc..which indirectly manifests to DH? Reassure him , be spontaneous when where you feel excited to try..does not have to be at home…@daphney is right , both in shower would have been thrilling…try new places, positions…plus have YIU discussed openly abt his fantasies desires.?

Thank you for the advice I'm really trying i know sometimes i make the whole situation worse he will talk to me about if I ask anything I can tell its awkward for him which is understandable
but he tells me he doesn't mastibate anymore because he knows porn really bothers me I'm not sure if this is actually true or not but he wouldn't tell me that

@notmyname1 he does not need to mastubate with porn…he can do it with You or you do it together and rub it for him? Is it something you’d consider?

That's fair enough, and it sounds like maybe the conversation isn't fully open, especially if it requires you to ask questions. Maybe set aside some time, to have half an hour a week to be fully open, with no judgement. I guess the masturbating thing is tricky, because if he is afraid to admit it because of your thoughts on porn, than it's hard to have an open discussion.
What is about porn that bothers you. Obviously I can't speak for your partner, but there men who don't watch porn occasionally are definitely in the minority in my experience.
Also, have you considered having time together where you have fun, but without intercourse being the main goal? For example you mentioned you were fooling around and then you went to get in the shower, sometimes those interruptions, or the pressure of the next step can be a mental block. Why not just continue to fool around, keep your clothes on, "dry hump" like teenagers, with no expectation of going further at all. See were you both end up. Sex doesn't always have to be focussed on intercourse as the goal.

ED, especially in a man in his 30s is largely psychological.
The moment a man starts to think about his erection is when his heart starts to race a little bit & suddenly he feels the election subsiding, so he worries even more & that is the end of it.
That is why viagra is a good option, because psychologically, you know you have that 'assistance' & the worry about losing an erection goes away.
It has very little to do with if a man 'fancies you' or not. It is much more about him worrying if he will be able to perform.

All these answers have made me feel so much better and feel like i will hopefully handle the situation better next time to stop him feeling so bad about it because I really do hate the way I have reacted recently 😏

I think I just need to get out of my own head to help his situation and know now the way I feel about my self doesn't mean he is feeling the same way

I think you have to take this with a slight caveat, viagra will only help if are in the mood

I was made redundant in my 30s, newly married & big mortgage and that knocked me for 6 and l lost the desire for sex for months and no amount of viagra would have helped

it was only until I was safely back in permanent employment that everything returned to normal

In my experience, the best thing to do is just accept that he doesn’t always get an erection on demand as being normal and a complete non-issue… he’s a human, not a robot, and as he gets older, erections will become less automatic.

If has an erection, great, if not, you just shrug your shoulders and he either pleasures you in other ways or you just do something else entirely…. Do this, and I’m confident you’ll “magically” find he ends up being erect much more reliably!

It’s like worrying about not being able to go to sleep, it actually keeps you awake!

This is probably because when you were both fully clothed, he wasn’t expecting sex, and therefore could relax which meant everything worked.

Dead right he’s not going to relax when his partner is fretting to the extent that she feels the need to start a MN thread.

Thanks very helpful 🙄
I would actually like nothing more than not be fretting to the extent I started a mn threat!!
It's not just a little thing that I'm over reacting with and get some people wont think its a big deal but when its actually starting to effect the relationship i reached out the only place I felt comfortable enough to do so to get other people's insight
its helped put my worries to rest and help me understand what could be causing it so I know how to then handle it in a way it actually makes him feel more comfortable.

So thank you to everyone else for the help it really has actually worked nothing is perfect yet but it's a big difference in a very short time so thank you

@notmyname1 Do you mind if I DM you? My DH and I have been going through something very similar x