I’m in this really unhealthy state of counting how often we have sex

[Lostsoul121]

We’re late 20s, married for a few years. We have 1 year old twins. On average we have sex usually once maybe twice a week.

I am in this very unhealthy mindset (and have been since the kids have been born) of equating how strong our marriage is to how often we have sex.

Even if we have plans in the evening with the twins or if we have to visit somewhere etc in my head I’m already thinking ok he’ll be too tired for sex that day. He’s an amazing husband and father, and it might be my own insecurities since giving birth. I have worked hard to get back to nearly my pre-pregnancy weight. I can’t seem to shake this thought that our marriage in societies terms is strong if we have regular sex.

I hate this mental pressure on top of everything else I have.

I think the important thing here is, are you unsatisfied with the amount of sex you are both having? Or is it more about the psychological aspect of thinking you need to be having more sex because that’s what you think makes a good marriage? Because if it is the former, I think you would need to discuss this with your husband and communicate your feelings. If it is the latter, then it sounds like you may be best speaking to a councillor as this seems like it may stem from insecurity?

my own personal experiences is that I have known couples who have an amazing marriage and love each other but don’t have sex that much (based on my some of my girl friends saying to me), but they don’t mind because they have a lower libido. Equally I have had friends who seem super intimate and intense in front of other people, but are constantly arguing or breaking up with one another then getting back together. Each couple is different. In my own marriage, I expressed that I was unsatisfied by the amount, and he used it as a weapon against me, so (along with a myriad of other issues) I left him.

I think there is huge pressure to start having sex asap after having a baby. I completely ignored all of it and listened to my own body, and kept communication and cuddles open. Very glad I did!

Yeah so I am not unsatisfied by the amount. I think given our circumstances with twins and the high stress- us doing it once or twice a week is about normal and it’s what I’m happy with.
The issue is I stress about it all week as we have family close by who always want to come and see the kids in the evening etc and we have limited chances where he’s in the mood for it after long days.
So mentally I find myself planning everything around him and the chance of us doing it.
Its basically my side as he is happy and oblivious to the way things are.

Do you think this is more anxiety (very common at this time) and worries about your marriage and keeping up with what’s ‘normal’ (no such thing!!!) rather than wanting to be intimate twice a week? Could you agree between yourselves to completely take any pressure off for a month and see what happens naturally then reassess?

I’ve spoken to my husband before on what he thinks and he says he’s happy in our marriage and finds the quantity of sex is enough for him. Ur right it is the anxiety of keeping up with what is “normal” but it’s getting to the point of dictating my life

Honestly I think if any anxiety is dictating your life it’s time to see your GP. Tell your husband too. You need to take the pressure off yourself or you will have a breakdown at some point possibly!

There is no “normal”—my DH and I were probably intimate once every 2 months or so when our DC were little (unless we were on a holiday). I’d be surprised to find many with really small children who can keep up with twice per week. Give yourself some grace here, OP.

You're having above average volumes of sex whilst managing 2 babies, you have nothing to worry about! You're maintaining regular physical contact, your husband is more than content. You're more than winning at something which isn't the main priority 👏

@Lostsoul121 hi , your DH is happy with the amount of sex, you say you are but then you opening up here suggest you desire more? Tbh, it’s the quality of your intimacy and sex in all its forms tgat is far more important than just having sex for the sake of it. How comfortable are you both openly chatting about your sexual desires! Maybe friends have confided in you and you feel they re having far more ? ✊🏿

As others have said, I don't think that there is a normal amount - it's whatever suits you both.
Dr Karen Gurney (aka The Sex Doctor on Instagram) has written a really good book about this. It's called "How to not let kids ruin your sex life."

Well once or twice a week wouldn't be enough for me now BUT, I'm in a totally different life stage to you. My kids are 10 and 5 and twice a week would have felt like too much for me when either of them were babies! It's about what you both enjoy and what feels natural for you both rather than what anyone else thinks.

I also have heard of women having sex a few days post partum because they're worried about their husbands going elsewhere. That's so unhealthy and could be dangerous. Do what is natural for you both, keep communication open and don't worry about others.

I agree. What do you think is actually going to happen if you don’t have it for a while ? Ye are kinda stuck with each other for now with 2 small babies and it’s a different phase of your marriage where I would hope there is understanding around being exhausted and not feeling up for it all the time, like you were previously. It doesn’t mean you love each other any less.

if you want more of it, are the mornings an option?