Inability to have sex PP

[ThisMauveHedgehog]

TW: birth trauma, low self-esteem, disordered eating

Hi all.
I was wondering if other people have had a similar experience, because I feel isolated.
I had my wonderful boy a couple of years ago. I'm in my mid-30s. It was a traumatic birth and needed an episiotomy which had to be sewn very quickly because I was losing a lot of blood.

Fast-forward 1.5 years later and I am still unable to have sex with my husband. It is excruciating to say the least... I think it has become a size incompatibility issue.

It really brings me down thinking I have a lot of my life left and I am unable to have sex. I feel like I have lost a big part of my identity as a wife and as a woman in general. I already used to suffer from low self-worth which I remedy with binge eating, and this has really plunged me into low depths.

I have seen a private gynae who has given me lots of advice but nothing has helped. She did recommend pelvic floor physio which I have yet to start (timing hasn't quite worked out yet).

My husband says it does not matter to him, but then that makes me feel like he does not even desire me enough to want to be intimate with me. We do do other intimate things, but then we attempt penetrative intercourse which causes me immense pain and I am left in floods of tears every time.

We are not in a position to have other kids at the moment but even if we did, I shudder at the thought of trying to have a second child because of this.

I feel like I cannot talk to anyone I know about this because they have either had sections, or are on their second kid/pregnancy.

I just feel like I should not be in this position having not even reached the age of 35 yet. I feel like damaged goods and really unattractive.

Thank you for reading.

Huge hug. See if the pelvic floor physio helps. If one of my friends was suffering and needed to talk, I’d want to listen, second child or not. You deserve to enjoy sex and to have more children if you want to.

You need a (sex)therapist.

i would definitely take penetration off the table until you have made good progress with the physio. I know it must be worrying and frustrating but it sounds like you have a great supportive husband so there is no rush.

I have no idea but I did wonder if you have some trauma around the birth that may be adding to your worry and creating a vicious circle. Have you ever had any counselling etc about it?

I had 2 straight forward births but having sex the first few times afterwards I found quite scary.

good luck ☺️

I also agree with @NinaOakley good friends will want to listen if you need to talk

I actually think you could push a bit for an alternative solution from a consultant gynaecologist, if the pelvic floor physio doesn't work. You could ask GP for a federal stating that you're in severe pain and limited in your sex life which is in turn affecting your mental health. It's important to get some help here, both physically and emotionally. Sending you such big hugs. You are not damaged goods. Hopefully your DH is just trying not to make you feel worse by pressuring for sex that causes you pain..it's great that you're being intimate in other ways. Keep that going xxx

Thank you to those who have offered helpful comments
Just for some added background, I have sought and received counselling to process the psychological implications of the trauma and whilst I am not completely over it, and probably never will be, I do think that my issue is physiological because the willingness to be intimate is there.