Not Enough?

[Lucy158]

My husband and I have been married for over 12 years and we have 2 children under 10.
He works away a lot of the time so I am at home with the children and very tired a lot of the time.
We have a healthy sex life but he is definitely more adventurous than I am, initiates intimacy more than I do etc.
We have discussed that he would like me to initiate more/ be more adventurous which I have been trying to do but I sometimes feel a bit cringeworthy as I don't feel sexy. I'm happy with my body and enjoy sex but I just don't think I'm 'sexy', and I know if I try too hard, it's an instant turn off for him and then there's an awkward air for the rest of the evening. If we do talk about it, it then becomes a thing and then I feel like I'm trying too hard to make more effort that in turn, backfires.
Maybe it's a confidence thing on my part but I feel like he wants/needs more and i can't keep up.

I hope this makes sense.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Hang on what? He wants you to initiate more but when you do he thinks it’s try hard and too ‘sexy’ and that’s an instant turn off for him and it’s awkward all evening?! No wonder you have confidence issues!!! I think that’s cruel of him actually.

Agree with @Gymbunny2025

This is where i get a bit confused because he doesn't actually say it's a turn off but it's suddenly awkward and things just stop because of this.
Maybe I just need to stop worrying so much and just follow through...
I just want to be more confident

He’s sending you mixed messages … it affects your confidence,
Are there any examples you are willing to talk about that might help in terms of giving you advice?

But if you are initiating he should respond enthusiastically? He should make you feel desired. Especially if he wants you to do it more!! Does that happen?

Next time he says he wants you to initiate more, ask him how. If it is something you are comfortable doing then give it a go and see how you feel about it?

Also I think awkwardness can happen… but it’s important to be able to laugh together and at ourselves. I don’t think it should feel awkward all evening personally.

Thanks so much to you both for responding.
Ahh it's hard to give examples but I'll try. I haven't spoken about this with anyone but him and he can be reassuring when we talk but I think he just settles with things being as they are but then the issues arise again causing a the awkwardness.
He does respond enthusiastically occasionally but I guess I let him crack on kind of just taking over which he does like to be the dominant one but then we kind of just settle back to our usual positions and that's that. And then I feel like he's still not quite satisfied even though he physically is if you know what I mean.
Maybe I'm just not exciting enough? Ahh I don't know. I'm finding it hard to explain.
I guess I would love to just jump on him and follow through but I have no confidence being top - I can't quite get into the groove of it. I suddenly become aware of my face and the wanting to look sexy and then I cringe.

He's definitely got a higher sex drive than I do and I wouldn't say mine is low at all. I just don't think I can keep up with his which is causing the confidence issues.

@Lucy158 how about this if you are so conscious of how you look when on top.., blindfold him, He might enjoy it and it may give you some confidence to be in the moment.There are lots of tips I can give you lol but I am too scared of posting due to the amount of dm’s from men!

That's a really good idea, thank you. I have asked him about blindfolding before and he hasn't been keen but maybe if I just do it rather than ask it might work!
Oh god, I didn't even realise men DMing on here was a thing! That's awful!!

Blindfold is a great shout. Or even just turning the lights off! I wouldn’t worry about looking sexy. Only pornstars have sexy expressions (because they’re acting!). Most men are turned on just because you are turned on if that makes sense! They don’t need a performance

Just report them to MNHQ and they will be banned. It’s against the rules.

Yeh that's a really good point! It's almost like you know if you go for a run and all of a sudden you're aware of yourself running and if you're running properly or looking weird in some way... that's how I feel when I'm on top. I suddenly feel so aware of myself and if I'm doing it right and all of a sudden my legs seem to lose the groove and my face just, well god knows what my face does!
The porn thing is so true though. I tried watching some and it made me feel worse! I know it's not real and ridiculous to even try to reenact but why are men so turned on by these unrealistic performances!
I would love to just be naturally and effortlessly sexy

My partner is very into filming us… I have seen my face in expressions that I never wanted to see 😂. It’s exactly like running really isn’t it!

Ahh wow! That's awesome. I have to admit, that made me giggle 🤣 do you watch the videos together? I can't imagine what my face would look like!!! That's the type of thing my husband would love to do but I just don't know if I could handle it!
Exactly like running which is why I don't run very often lol!!

The blindfold idea came up on another Thread recently. Two or three people were enthusiasts.
If he enters you from behind he won't see your expressions. When you are laying together side by side can you organise that?

@Lucy158 It's difficult to sense from what you have told us how much of the perceived awkwardness is your own self consciousness, Vs his lack of enthusiasm and response to your initiation. As a guy when a partner has initiated, I think I have very rarely not reacted with enthusiasm, but also have been in the opposite side of this, where you initiate and are rejected, and can see how that can become a vicious circle. Not recieving the response you hoped for a few times makes you less inclined to initiate and then it becomes even more difficult and you become more self conscious about it.
I think the reality is in your situation that it would help considerably if actually you tried to focus on yourself when initiating, demand what you need from him and focus on getting your pleasure from him, if he is frequently the one who is leading the decisions then he might be looking for sex where he doesn't have to do the thinking. As a guy it is very arousing to have a woman who just wants you for her pleasure and knows how she wants that and just takes it.
By focussing less on what you think he needs, and focus on what you want that might help you be less self conscious and actually provide him with what he is seeking. I suspect he just wants to feel that you "want" him.

@Lucy158 dont feel pressured into anything by DH…you are your own woman…you do not need to be like someone else, nor anyone that you seen on porn..or DH has mentioned. If you want to climb on top and ride him, then do it….try to turn things around, to your preferences and not DH.. you say his libido is greater but you enjoy sex…so yours is there too..surprise him one day…make him come home at an unexpected time, blindfold him if u wish..no words….ride him , do what you desire…then tell him to go back to work or out…..✊🏿

Thank you so much for the response from a man's perspective. Having thought about it this morning, I think you have possibly hit the nail on the head.
He does want to feel like I 'want him' and I really do want to him. I just want the confidence to be able do this right.
I think I'm going to try and few things...
I'm going to surprise him and just try to ignore the self consciousness and try things as others have suggested, using techniques such as blindfolding.
It's funny because I'm in no way a prude and am open to trying new things, I just need to stop overthinking!
I think the awkwardness could come out of frustration of the situation and I'm aware that we both cause that. I'm also going to talk to him again about it and just get it all out in the open about what we both enjoy.

Thanks for your response!
I am definitely my own woman and know what I enjoy. I feel like I know what he enjoys too and you're right, I think I just need to take the bull by the horns so to speak, stop over thinking and just go for it.
I might even buy some new undies and have a glass of wine for Dutch courage!

Thanks for your response!
Yeh we do these positions pretty often and I'm usually confident enough with them! I think i just want to try and go a little further and work on my confidence with my face, body etc!
The blindfolding idea is great. I think rather than asking him which can make things a little awkward, I'm just going to surprise him with it!

@Lucy158 I really wish you all the best with this, maybe think about exploring your fantasies and desires with him during the day with some flirty messages? The "I was just thinking about us going for a walk somewhere quiet, and it made me feel... " Maybe think of a scenario that would arouse you and play it through with him and see how he responds?

It might help you feel the need for him later, get him in the mood, and allow you both a party to explore things you want to try together but haven't been brave enough to?
For me this is much more important than sexy undies. He married and is attracted to you the person inside, that is what turns him on. Fuck his mind first, then the body will follow :)

@Lucy158 new sexy lingerie that is stylish works wonders…be bold brave, maybe risqué…go for it gyal and like I said, be spontaneous and surprise him, I guarantee he will rise to the occasion…..as for the drink…let him taste your sweet honeyjuice and maybe slowly drip the wine down your cleavage…..mmmmm✊🏿