Help! Where do I find ideas and techniques to fix terrible sex life?

[TheGreenIsAlwaysGrasser]

With my DH 10 years - most things are wonderful but the sex is bad and virtually non-existent (like once every four months, and very boring) and we're not very compatible sex-wise. I struggle to orgasm, he doesn't last long at all, both of us prefer the other to be dominant... I have very sensitive sensory issues so I'm a bit uptight about having to be super clean etc which doesn't help.

However, we had a long chat about it the other day though, and he's very open to trying to make things better. He's already stopped doing a few things that were giving me the ick. We are both willing to work on it as we want to stay together.

He's open to direction, but I don't think I know enough about my own body to help him make it better... he's also not that confident in taking control (just around what we do or initiating or anything).

I think since we're not super compatible we're going to have to be really intentional with things to try to make it fun for both of us.....

But I'm determined to give it a good go!!

So

• Are there any places to go to find new ideas?
• Any books or websites?
• Is there any kind of resource about different techniques he could try on me that I could suggest? I would have to be the one to drive it so I need the ideas... I saw a post about pulling back clitoral hood and using lube and suddenly thought 'maybe that's the answer' but it had never occurred to me before to try it... I want more ideas like that, super specific.
• This might be a stupid question, but what are the different categories of things I could look into? What's a first step to making things slightly more spicy? What can we try?

the trouble is a lot of stuff on the web transposes into porn really rather than instructional items. i would suggest maybe going to a good book shop they may have some good books some thing like the old Joy of Sex type books. might be helpful reading together who knows? it could lead to a nice night!

i remember my parents had the book from years ago 'the joy of sex'. we were quite open in our home about sex and stuff

My dad had that book! We used to read it when he was out 😂

I blame that book for a lot of my problems.

Go tantric

I understand your pain OP, I went through something very similar with my DH and we managed to overcome it, now everything is great. I’d recommend a website called ‘OMGYes’ it is paid and it is explicit, but it has some great tutorials and techniques for solo or couples

I remember in primary school in the 70s a boy in my class brought his parents copy of that book into school ,imagine a group of 10 yr olds all giggling at it

Yeh @amooseymoomum this is exactly why I don't want to google... and I also don't want to end up being performative and self conscious...!

Lots of votes for the Joy of Sex - although @Adidas105 why do you blame it? Should I be wary of it?

Thanks for this @YarnAbundance - I've seen OMGYes advertised quite a lot so I'll take a look at it. It's encouraging to know that it can be overcome!

I’d recommend OMGYES for both of you and I’d buy some good quality sex toys if you don’t own any already. The basic collection would be a bullet vibe , a mains wand, a suction vibe and a rabbit type vibe.
Along with good quality water based lube.

Along with OMGYES I’d also say for both of you to read come as you are.

For him getting fitter and working on his core will give him increased energy and stamina and strength. Also some male kegel exercises.

Maybe a new haircut and some new clothes with a good aftershave may also improve his confidence . Confidence goes a long way especially if he thinks he isn’t enough for you even though he hadn’t said it.

You can definitely improve this your biggest challenge is his libido but if he wants to work on it you have a chance. I would say once he can make you come every time that can take the pressure off so I’d start with a wand

very best of luck 🤞

We used a website recently where each partner answers questions about what they are willing to do during sex. You answer separately and then it shows you the results so you can see what each other might want to do. I can't remember the name of the site but if you Google couple sex questionnaire you'll find one.

https://www.weshouldtryit.com/index.php

@TheGreenIsAlwaysGrasser Its interesting you mention not knowing enough about your own body to give direction. I think a really important part of this for you will be that discovery, making time for masturbation, maybe solo use of toys etc to explore different sensations and experiences. Once you know where and how the physical contact feels good, then you can help guide his touch etc.
It can be really difficult for a guy who might not be sexually confident to judge how his touch etc is being received, therefore you guiding a few times will help build his confidence. Good luck.

Why so?

Sensual massage would be the starting point for me , I would invest in my own massage table they cost around £100 , candles and some scented oils .
Google intimacy matters and you can watch some fantastic tutorials which would give you an idea , it’s very important to make the space special and then
slow slow and slower strokes at least 30 mins without and real intimate touch to the point you are aching to be touched in an intimate way .
Definitely buy a bullet style vibrator let your husband watch you mastrubate with it show him how you like it then get him to use it on you .
Do you ever sit down and actually talk about sex or if you find it awkward email or text this can in its self be erotic .
Tell you mastrubate more than he thinks you do because you need more intimacy that should get his attention, hope this helps .
PM if you want any more ideas

It triggered my interest in golden showers

We might be in a similar position. We've had v little sex in our marriage (although we have 2 kids) and I'm his first partner.

Recently I've had a bit more confidence and the last month has been like we're discovering each other and trusting each other for the first time.

But he doesn't really know anything. I think our history means he is also nervous (although the things he does have been amazing and he's fully embracing the journey)

So he often goes straight for my genitals and wants to run. He's turned on and excited and wants to get me "there" first which is great. And I'm often super turned on anyway.

But I want to teach him about more foreplay and buildup but not really sure how.

The omgyes has been advertising itself to me recently (the Internet knows all things) and I'm cruous but I think it focuses on genital play which is good and not going to say no but not too sure how to teach him some of the kind of basics... He was at an odd school so wasn't with boys all sharing secrets and didn't sleep with anyone until me if that makes any sense. It was an issue he was so reluctant (I took as disinteresr) and well. Time passed. We're older and wiser now and it's a lot of fun (I gave him a bj this morning just because) but we're only really a few weeks in. Both an old married couple and inexperienced.

And came onto this board (not my usual hangout on mn!) to see if there was anything we could look at together or use that wasn't super porny or a way to frame things that makes sense to him too.

Sorry that was long! I literally came here looking for this type of thread OP!

I have been though all three OMGYES. You could argue that it’s genital focused but it does cover consistency and variation so could definitely teach him some new techniques. It also has interactive graphics to ahmm! practice!

if you want him to maybe slow down and stop going straight for it so to speak then come as you are is good as is mind the gap. Podcast wise I like shameless sex and also their book.

Most of the above is female led . Of the male led stuff I’ve seen The bad girls bible has a section for men and some of that was quite useful.

@TheGreenIsAlwaysGrasser @FatsiaJaponicaInTheGarden hi, yes sound a dvicefrom others , YIU need to explore each others body….how comfortable are you both being naked around each other? Would DH be able to stand there mastubating watching you tease him ??how comfortable would you feel to excite him and yourself , mutual exploration of each other , just exploring your own body as each mastubate…then take it from there…