Have we got an Incompatible sex drive??!!

[Mum8476200]

Just that really, my fiance and I are struggling with our sex life.

Bit of a back story, been together for 6 years and we have two children 3 and 1. In the beginning for the first I'd say 2 years we was having sex every day pretty much apart from the odd day not doing it (illness, tired etc).
Since I'd say when our first was around 2 (hard to know exactly) but sex just hasn't been enough for me.
I loved having it everyday, I felt wanted, I felt close etc, he just said his sex drive isn't the same as it was (he's 26 for context). He said he'd be happy with every other day (leaving it 2 days at a time) which we did both agreed on but it never happens like that. We have spoken lots about it and are both very open with eachother about sex but I just feel like its all talk and no action if you know what I mean.
He has said he wants to make it more 'kinky' which I'd say personally we have been 'kinky'. Most of the time granted we do the same sort of routine when we have sex but every time we have finished he's happy and said it was really good.
I guess one of the things that frustrates me a bit is the actual penis in vagina sex only lasts around 3-5 mins, is that usual? Once he has finished aswell there's no going for round 2 or anything like that, like he said he likes to leave it 2 days or so which ends up me getting sexually frustrated so then he doesn't end up wanting it as I'm annoyed and so it means we end up leaving it around a week. If we end up leaving it for a week he's all over me which is what I love but I know he's only all over me because he's very horny, I guess I just wish he was like it more, I love it when he's all over me, it makes me feel good and feel wanted.
I guess I just wish there was only 1 day gap between sessions and I have explained this to him but it just doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. I really do love him though, we have two beautiful girls together and we generally get along extremely well, it's just the sex part I'm not happy with.
He doesn't get himself off at all apart from the odd once every few months, he says he likes saving himself for me so porn isn't a problem. He knows my boundaries on porn anyways, I just don't like it and it makes me feel insecure.
I guess another fault would be in the past I have caught him having this tiktok on his phone which he had saved of this girl getting ready to go down a swimming pool slide in a cheeky bikini and her bum was essentially fully on show, he denied at first but quickly told me he did save it as he liked it. There has been one other occasion when it was tiktok and he tried searching up this girls Instagram but it didn't load which is how i found it as I just went on his phone (can't remember why now) and it loaded of course. The swimming one was when I was pregnant with our 2nd and the other one was when our 1st was around 1.
These sound really petty writing them down but they did effect my confidence as he knew how I felt about things like that.

I guess what I'm trying to find out is if its fixable, is there a way we can sort our sex life out and be happy? I'm not too worried if he's offing himself in private as he works from 3pm and is home usually by 9, unless he's offing himself at work which is highly doubtful.
We both do want this to work, he said he wouldn't know what to do with himself without me and wants to try. But I have tried, got him to come for a shower with me and made him finish, dressed up for him before etc. Only now it sort of feels like he really wants to fix things after I have tried communicating/putting in effort for so long, I feel like giving up but at the same time I don't want too. I don't know how to get out of this rut?

Another thing to add is he does prefer morning sex but that's pretty much impossible with our 1 and 3 year old. He also struggles on how to essentially start it so it leaves us both sometimes just on our phones when we go to bed which we are trying to change aswell.
Is it a thing of someone basically having a preference on morning/night sex? And if they do have a preference then if it's left long enough eventually they will just have evening sex because they want it so bad?
Sorry if that's confusing but just generally curious.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated, understand i haven't worded it best, just gone on a bit and I also get that I'm asking strangers on the Internet but this is really a last resort for me.

I’m very sorry to hear that you’re having relationship trouble on the sex side of things. What makes these situations difficult is that you love each other and like everything outside of sex, it’s just the sex part, which is still a big deal at the end of the day.

when I was with my ex dh, it was a similar situation (not to scare you, we split up for different reasons). I know you’ve mentioned that you have spoken to him before, but is he aware how much it’s affecting you? Neither of you are in the wrong by the way, besides him looking up other women on social media, that’s not petty don’t worry. It just is that you currently have different sexual drives, which may be fixable through communication. Equally, and this maybe an obvious one, have you tried exploring in the world of masturbation more?

I never have been one to really masturbate, not sure why, maybe embarrassment?
I wonder if I crave it more aswell because the actual act (not foreplay) doesn't last very long, few minutes.
Whats frustrating aswell is he'll say his sex drive is every other day but usually ends up with us doing it once a week and then I get sexually frustrated.

I understand the embarrassment side of things, I was the exact same for a long time, I’m in my late 30s now and it’s only been since splitting up with my ex husband have I explored it and gotten over my fears, and to be honest I wish I had done it sooner, I highly recommend trying regardless of the situation since it may aid in the sexual frustration.

yes I get what you mean about it not lasting long, I’m not sure how long as a ‘correct’ time or average time, but I’m like you and have always preferred longer. It could be that because you don’t have it that often, he is more likely to finish faster for that reason if that makes sense?

Do you usually use toys to masturbate?

I think that's what is difficult, what is a "normal" amount of time... I have heard of some men lasting hours which quite frankly i don't want but 15-20 minutes would be nice.

I think a man lasting for 20 mins of straight intercourse is unusual. I've only ever had that with an older man I dated who had ED. It sounds like it's not very high quality sex. He could focus on foreplay and make sure you have orgasmed a few times before he even puts his penis inside you, then try to make sure you're satisfied before he comes.
DH and I usually have sex around 4 times a week though it can fluctuate. If we've had a tough week and we have had less sex than usual, we talk about it and make sure we have an early night to have sex and he really focuses on my pleasure. I masturbate a few times a week too as I have a high sex drive, not because I'm not fulfilled with sex but just because I enjoy it.

Men have their higher testosterone levels levels in the morning- women have their highest hominem levels at night- sadly.
It sounds like you just have a higher sex drive than him. You can force or cajole someone into wanting sex. That would be all kinds of wrong.

What happens before 3 in your house (when he starts work?). Are you both at home? If so would there be an opportunity then? Or are you at work and he has the kids (I could totally understand why he’d be exhausted in the evening before bed then!!!)

I think once a week when you are both really into it is fair at this stage of life. Can you have non sexual intimacy in bed on the other nights? Turn your phones off and cuddle/chat? Maybe even mutual masturbation?

good luck!

Hi, sorry to read about your issues, but it seems to me that you’re the one who wants to make things better whilst he appears to be disinterested? I seems like a military plan..every day or every other day? Be spontaneous, have sex in different places, surprise him at home ….walk in….take him by his hand…ride him but tell him not to utter a word….then a happy smile as you walk out back to work….

@Mum8476200 Sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I completely understand how it affects you emotionally as well as physically. Though as I read your post I sense that this relationship and the intimacy is vital to validating you. That element doesn't sound entirely healthy. I wonder if you had more self confidence and were more secure in your own company that your emotional impact of this would be significantly less?
It might help if you try to understand more about why you feel so down about this lack of intimacy. Which in turn might mean masturbating is sufficient to close the gap between your sex drives, hopefully leading to less frequent but more satisfying sex between you?

Hi @Mum8476200
After reading your post, though I understand that you must feel frustrated, I really do wonder whether you realistically though you'd be having sex daily, maybe even multiple times in a row, for the rest of your life.
This seems like an incredibly excessive amount!
Not that I mean to imply you shouldn't have that much sex if you want to. Just that is seems incredibly unreasonable to expect that from your partner, or to expect a relationship to transition from two newly in love 20-somethings to now parents of small children in a long-lasting relationship, and to still be having sex as frequently as you did at the beginning.

I also agree with @GarrynotsoGorilla . You seem to view sex as the (only?[ way to feel a deep fulfilment and connection with your partner, which is also very limiting. Why do you need to be having sex every single day just to feel good about yourself and your relationship?