Can’t keep his erection.

[LondonLady1980]

Six months ago, out of nowhere my husband suddenly started losing his erections during sex. Sometimes he couldn’t get an erection at all, but this was very rare, and typically it would be a case of him getting an erection but then losing it within 5-10 minutes.

He would lose his erection at various points of sexual activity, I.e if we were just lying there kissing, if I was giving him oral sex or if we were having PIV. There one minute and gone the next.

He says it’s nothing to do with me and I want to believe him.

We are both early 40’s, he’s fit and active, he has no health conditions, so we are just baffled.

He hates the fact it keeps happening.

He has a much higher sex drive than me, he’d do it every day if he had his way, but realistically due to our jobs, our children and generally feeling knackered we probably do it about twice a week…..but that has obviously dropped off now we are having this problem. In the last 6 months I think we’ve probably been able to have sex about 5 times. We still try as often as we can and everything is initially fine, he gets aroused and gets his erection, but then it just goes.

He hates talking about it, he keeps saying he’s a failure, he keeps apologising etc even though I have told him there is absolutely no reason to feel bad about this and we just need to get to the bottom of it.

He’s been telling me for weeks that he will go and see his GP but it’s yet to happen. I think he’s embarrassed but also worried that something is very wrong.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Yes it happens unfortunately for lots of different reasons, he and you, need to understand your not alone, I work in a predominantly female environment, half of the women that I speak to have experienced this at varying ages, lots of different solutions
GP obviously first port of call

I only have experience of being a male health advocate. I am on my men’s board at work and we have specifically added ED onto the agenda along with fertility as it maybe easier to engage at work some of the driver for that was posts on here.

The first port of call is the Gp. You/he can buy ED medication from various sources but a health check to include ED is needed.

Yes it’s difficult or embarrassing but us guys get an easier ride in this department which possibly why were so reluctant to get personal issues sorted.

If your DH was my mate I be asking him why he’s not been to the GP and why he’s prepared to have an unsatisfactory sex life for him and you for the sake of embarrassment added to that there could also be underlying medical issue that may also effect his life.

You would be surprised how many times with different issues I’ve had this conversation. How you frame it as his wife is the challenge. If it’s effecting him and you as you describe then unfortunately he’s is being foolish at best to not seek professional help.

good luck op

Happened to my husband too. Just stopped getting hard, or starts and doesn’t develop into a full erection. Took him 28 months to go to GP but they found nothing physically wrong. Viagra didn’t work either, well, it made it a bit bigger, but not enough.

it’s hard to take (no pun intended) when there is no physical reason found as it feels so personal and made me feel undesirable

I’m sorry you had to deal with that, it must have taken quite a toll.

My husband keeps telling me that he’ll just “focus on me” and keeps wanting to indulge in foreplay so I can orgasm even if it’s not through PIV but I just can’t get into it. Sex is something I want us to be able to do together and share, not just me being pleasured whilst he gets nothing out of it, if that makes sense. It feels so one sided, it doesn’t feel intimate to me and it just generally makes me uncomfortable.

It’s like when women make comments about men only being interested in their own pleasure and not being bothered about their partners…..well that’s like what I feel is being forced on me, the idea that I’m only meant to care about my pleasure and not care about the fact my DH isn’t getting any satisfaction.

Whenever I mention him contacting the GP he just gets so defensive and angry that I’ve stopped bring it up now. I can’t physically force him to do it and it’s not worth the arguments.

It’s like we are at a stalemate and the problem is now an elephant in the room that can’t be spoken about.

@LondonLady1980 it is very soul crushing. My DH didn’t even want to try and give me pleasure. I even tried using toys in front of him to see if that made him aroused and…. Nothing.

we’ve now agreed to open things up so I can look elsewhere for physical intimacy

Thats how my ED started - could get hard as usual but it then wandered off for no apparent reason - it then developed further with no erections at all. I went to the Doctors and was told nothing was wrong and try the drugs - and unlike the song - they really do work. There are 4 different ones all available over the virtual counter - if one doesn't work then try another - and if the standard dose doesn't work then up it. I was much older than your DH when it started - late 50's so I have to assume it's just an age thing, but there are possible solutions out there if he's willing to look for them.

Honestly get him to a health care professional.

ED can definitely be psychological. If it's physiological it needs investigating. Might be linked to something else. Ask for nitric oxide tests.

I’ve never heard of a nitric oxide test for ED? I’d say a Doppler is much more relevant as it shows the blood going into the penis vs blood leaving the penis which of the outflow is greater would indicate a venous leak, hence why a man might lose an erection assuming it’s not psychological .

a cock ring might solve this, PDE5’s might help as well, but more worryingly is why he won’t see a GP.

He should at least try meds. You don’t have to see your gp, you can easily buy viagra and cialis online by just filling in a questionnaire.
I just can’t understand this attitude when blokes shut down and refuse to tackle a (probably) very treatable problem.

Ask the GP for a testosterone test. Also as someone you has had ED issues a lot of it is psychological. Things are OK at initial arousal but soon your mind clicks in as to your performance & pretty soon you lose you erection. I find Viagra works for me as it also makes me believe I can last longer.

Hmmmmm how’s that going?
I’ve know. It work and not work with two couples where the guy had ED and agreed the same

No 1 met a guy with her husbands knowledge and she realised quickly it was time to move on, sad but necessary as far as she was concerned

No 2 arranged to met a guy15 yrs her junior again with her long term partner’s knowledge to have her needs met. She ow spends one evening a week and one weekend a month at her young lovers place. Her partner loves his new sexier companion.

it can work but careful planning and communication is paramount x

It’s working well so far. Only met twice for sex and physical intimacy so far. We meet infrequently and message semi often to stay in touch

It's definitely worth noting

Interesting, but it’s effectively viagra which increases nitric oxide levels so the corpus cavernosa opens up and allows more blood flow.

TBF if he has a venous leak then PDE5’s won’t be all that effective anyway.

@Aishabibi how long into your marriage did you notice your DH had started to lose his mojo, your libido clearly has intensified with time and you u like many has been bold n brave to find FWB.! Now You know some of us also have an appetite like yiurs and no hang ups sexually about it being wrong ! Have fun …how are things with DH bk home?

@LondonLady1980 hi, not many are open and understanding about issues troubling DH.You say he has high libidomore than you but I’m sensing is no longer right? Was there a trauma or stresses at time when u noticed DH started to lose his erection….? Does he avoid chatting about it hoping things will improve? Bottling it up does not help as you’ve noticed..try n get him to open up and assure him you are not going judge him in anyway …

Despite the constant failed sex attempts, he still initiates it just as much as he always did. Although it started happening 6 months ago it’s only over the last month that we have had serious talks about it as the frequency of it occurring has really increased. He definitely isn’t shying away from sex…..it’s like he’s desperate for an occasion where he can keep his erection and so sex can happen and in his hope comes his thought process that it’s more likely to happen the more often he initiates sex.

I have tried to reassure him so much that I don’t judge him or anything like that, and that I just want him to go to the GP, but he won’t. He just gets really defensive and shuts the conversation down.

@LondonLady1980 maybe he is trying too hard (sorry abt pun) , it’s clear he needs help…tell him you will go to doctors with him..or maybe find a different doctor to help him? I’m sensing he is feeling the pressure, the more he tries, the more it’s failing on him….is DH still makin* you orgasm without penetrative sex? Doyou make make him orgasm even though he has no erection? Try other ways to pleasure yourselves and assure him you not need him to be erect?

The slow twitch fibers in the penis maintain the erection. These can be trained with Kegels exercises, and Kegels can help with maintaining an erection. Pelvic floor therapist Michelle Kenway has a YouTube video that provides a Kegels exercises beginners guide for men and a Kegels coaching video. Kegels trains twitch muscle fibers in the pelvic floor. The slow twitch fibers are endurance fibers, and they work for extended periods of time. Fast twitch fibers are for fast, strong contractions. For the exercises, Michelle Kenway describes the technique as simultaneously (1 retracting the penis inwards as if a turtle is drawing its head in, (2 tightening and lifting around the anus opening, and (3 thinking about passing urine. The slow twitch fiber exercise is done 10 times for 10 seconds each, and the fast twitch fiber exercise is done 10 times for 1 second each. Both of these 10 times sequences should be done at least 3 times a day and for at least 3 days of the week. The titles to search for on YouTube are:

Kegel Exercises for Men – Beginners Pelvic Floor Strengthening Guide

and

Kegels for Men – REAL TIME Daily Kegels WORKOUT

@LondonLady1980 hi, have you managed to raise his hopes👍🏿

@Aishabibi have you noticed the new glow on you and have friends commented about it?f no matter what some will think , FWB has changed yiur outlook but I guess your DH still not realised you’re a woman with a need…✊🏿

@Angela59 totally agree with you. I’m lucky to meet discreetly with a couple I met on holiday over 18 months ago..mutual benefits and their relationship has got stronger as a result ! ✊🏿