How hands on you is your partner?

[Chipsupper]

Just that really..

I’m in a long term relationship (married for 7 years/3 kids) and my OH since getting married hasn’t been a hands on guy, doesn’t often compliment me, doesn’t look at me and thinks phwoar, rarely touches me intimately.

We rarely DTD due to his ED, I’m younger than him with a much higher sex drive.

I do love him, he loves me, it’s not bad enough to split our family up but I hear all the time how my friends husbands are all over them, practically begging for sex weekly and I just can’t relate.

Im apparently a good looking woman, look after myself, not short of glances kinda thing.

I’ve spoken to him about it, believe me, but he just says he’s just not like that, never has been (typical red blooded male kind).

Luckily my self esteem is ok and I’m not viewing it too much of a me problem, just mismatched energy but too far down the line (in family life) to do anything about it (Leave and find someone more compatible).

Im kind of just residing to the fact that this is life now.. no desire to be intimate or sexual with me (I won’t stray outside the marriage and we’ve discussed open relationship and it’s a no go).

So he doesn't want you sexually and he doesn't want anybody else to.

Subtle!

Basically, yes.

He will occasionally have sex, but it’s not enough for me (about 6/7 times a year). He’s also uncomfortable with me masterbating 🙁

I don’t think he’s having an affair (not secretive with him phone, pretty open, never gets the chance other than at work but I guess his ED would sort that out too)

He's very hands on and I feel very desired by him. I would hate it if he wasn't this way. I'm not sure what the answer is for your predicament. Family life takes priority and can be tiring but I think you need the sex side of things to keep flowing to keep your relationship strong. If we're not having as much sex as usual during the week because of autistic kids and stress we are still physical and intimate with each other.

I think the main issue for me is the lack of desire for me in all honesty.

When we first started dating he told me all his exes were slim, I’m a size 12/14 and very curvy, it’s just my make up, can’t get below a 12/14 so maybe I’m just not his ‘type’ but it’s really hard living life with someone like this, I sometimes feel like I’m in a lavender marriage

I'm sorry OP but this is looking like control and manipulation. He could be using sex or lack of to to suit his narrative.
Given the fact that he withholds intimacy, affection, sex, and you're not allowed to masturbate is to me controlling behaviour.

Try seeing a therapist and discuss this with them.

He’s completely unwilling to discuss with a therapist unfortunately (I’ve brought it up).

He is into quite heavy BDSM himself, I’m lightly into in but not to the extent he is unfortunately so he’s completely unwilling to talk about it due to being embarrassed (his kink is being heavily feminised for context).

Sounds like you're incompatible sexually. He's got low sex drive but he's into BDSM?

Yes.. does the two not match? I’ve never been with anyone into BDSM like him or experienced someone with such a low sex drive either. It’s not like I can speak to friends about it so I struggle to make things make sense in all honesty!

Does he use a lot of porn? Having very specific sexual preferences but being uninterested in ordinary sex suggests just that to me. Maybe he needs to get off the Internet and reorient himself to real life.

Are you getting on OK with each other?

In answer to your question, DW and I are massively hands-on. Even if sex isn't happening, a lot of touching is. Lack of that means there's a problem going on. The touching smoothes over the rougher edges of our marriage.

Thank you.

He used to watch a lot of BDSM porn, went down a bit of a wormhole with it.

He says he stopped all porn use when we got together. I do believe him in all honesty, I’m not naive by any means, but on this I do believe him.

We get on ok, the kids are hard work (3 young ones close in age), general life stresses like most (money, lack of family/support) but other than that we’re pretty ok

Your husband is selfish and mean. He doesn't want you to masturbate, refuses to seek therapy- why? On what grounds is he not allowing you to pleasure yourself? This is not about his low sex drive, this is clearly him having a hold on you and treating you with absolute disrespect. You say your self-esteem is fine, then it's time you do something to protect yourself in more ways than one. Don't resign yourself to such a life as your frustrations will only increase.

I hear you but I can’t break up my family on the grounds I can’t cum as much as I’d like. Sex is incredibly important but my DC and family unit is even more so.

He is on the whole a great dad and supportive DH, it’s just the lack of desire/want on his part and sex that I struggle with in our marriage.

What was your sex life like before marriage? Were you together a long time before you got married? Or has most of your relationship been as parents?

I would suspect he sees you as a mother figure (hence not wanting you to masturbate even) and has decided to satisfy his fetish elsewhere (porn/prostitutes whatever). But who knows.

I mean you need to see a therapist. This behaviour from him to you is not normal. Especially as he is into BDSM. This is another part of that.

OP, is he selfish and mean?

About him being uncomfortable with you masturbating, why do you think this is? Could it be that it makes him known he can't keep up with you? (This is entirely his issue btw. Masturbate to your heart's content.)

He says he's given up porn. This may or may not be true given how secretive men can be about it. But if true, it sounds like he needs to do some deprogramming in his mind. I think this article is very good:

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/mar/12/sexual-incompatibility-explained

And here's a good quote:
"If there’s an “ideal”, it’s that everyone turns toward whatever’s happening with curiosity, compassion and a sense of play. That means, for example, however long orgasm takes, everyone feels curious and playful about that time, rather than judgmental or worried. If erection isn’t happening, everyone feels curious and playful about it, rather than judgmental or worried. Most of what we call “incompatibility” is actually two people having scripts in their head about how sex is supposed to work and those scripts being different. Most of the time, it’s the scripts that are incompatible, not the actual humans trying to connect with each other."

Being 'into' BDSM or any other kink is all very well but if stops you from appreciating what you can actually have with another person, you have a problem. It's no better than being a fussy eater.

Controlling and manipulative?
Bullshit!!! Bullshit!!! Bullshit!!! Bullshit!!!
There's no shortage of women who aren't particularly sexual and who wouldn't be comfortable with their husbands wanking in bed next to them, heading off to the bathroom in the middle of the day or shutting themselves in the bedroom with a Fleshlight. Those same women would undoubtedly be appalled by the idea of their husbands having sex with someone else.
Controlling and manipulative?
Bellshill!

What doesn't quite add up is his proclivity for BDSM. Is he Dom or sub? That might give someone qualified a clue as to why he's not into sex. And is his ED psychological or physiological?

The only way you're going to fix this is going to need to start with communication. He is well within his rights to not want sex, but that has to be balanced by him taking responsibility for what effect that will have on you and, ultimately, on his family. If he won't engage in counselling, it's down to you to lead the conversation, with compassion and curiosity.

In my experience, you have a long hard road ahead of you. Mine ended in a sexless marriage, and divorce that should have happened years before. I've had almost no sex at all since and, struggling to meet a partner in my 50s, am starting to think i probably never will again, so the grass isn't always greener.

Good luck!

Sounds like he can’t get excited unless it relates to his kink. I have some experience of this sadly.

Your kids are young now, so you’ll “make do”, but trust me, as they get out of the little years you’re going to get very frustrated indeed (been here (currently am) too!).