Would it be a good thing to be able to switch sexual desire off

[Loucille]

Just had an interesting conversation wir a straight male friend. He said, for him at least, he never wanted to have sexual urges and would have liked to have chosen to only have them when the possibility of having them consensually fulfilled in a healthy mutually respectful way was there.

His thinking is that the sum of human happiness would be greater if you had this control. I am a straight woman, never had massive or persistent sexual desire
When I did have those feelings I was mostly able to sate them, for long periods I've been happily celibate. I'm just wondering what it must do to someone mentally (absolutely NOT excusing any bad behaviour here) to have feelings they don't want a d not be able to act on them..

Yes!

Just like it would be good to switch off thirst or hunger while they can't be satisfied. Or pain if it's not useful.

I have a friend who became single during Covid and really struggled to find a new partner. She was finding her sexual desire so hard to manage that she was considering going back on the pill (obviously as it suppresses libido rather than needing it as a contraceptive). So I guess she would agree with that. Luckily for her she did meet someone who she remains very loved up with ☺️

for me personally I can see the negatives too. Maybe missing out on fancying someone who would be perfect partner material? I much prefer having a high libido than none though (experienced both)

I like having a high libido. It's not as high as it once was but I enjoy having orgasms and satisfying it. When I was younger though, it was hard to manage. I constantly thought about sex and would sometimes keep going with my vibrator until I had came about 9 times ( the highest I counted in a session) Now I think I'm perimenopausal and it's still probably higher than the average woman but it's controllable.

Was that because you were single @GigiAnnna? I have never been really. That’s terrible isn’t it! Something has always ‘come up’ at the right time 😂

I was single at the time, now married but I still do use my vibrator frequently even when I'm having regular sex. It's my favourite way to relax in my alone time.

I’m definitely with you there. Sadly don’t get much alone time though! But yes it’s nice to have a libido and enjoy using a toy and relaxing. I wouldn’t want to take that part of my life away deliberately

I could have used this ability this week, something about the blue sky and sunshine really heightens my desires and sorting myself out in the morning shower is wearing off by lunchtime, making it harder (pardon the pun) to concentrate in the afternoon.

It's an interesting thought, though I can see advantages and disadvantages.

For me, I think it would be a mistake as I can't imagine missing on out on the initial spark, attraction and the giddiness of a new relationship.

I have a high libido that I enjoy. It works for me, but everyone is different.

My husband has mentioned this before and it would be good, for himself! He has always had a very high libido and gets aroused very easily and needs to masturbate to relieve the urge. He has said he would probably get more done if he could turn these urges off 😂

I don’t understand. Passionate, quality sex with someone (or solo play) makes you feel nice and combines with a feeling of fulfilment and a healthy lifestyle. Why on earth would anyone think it would be of benefit to switch this off?

I've often wanted to turn off my libido. It's not as high as it used to be, but being single (or in a sexless marriage, as I was) and feeling horny just emphasises the feeling of loneliness and that can be a downward spiral.

Sometimes the urge was hard to control and even with the most satisfying of orgasms, at times it was only for a few minutes and I'd feel desire build up again. Which left me feeling frustrated.

That sounds like me a few days before a period. I just embrace it. Generally, l have a solo session once or twice a day, very much part if my wake up go to. But l couldn’t cope with 1:1 sex at that level (that’s probably about 3 times a week, mainly weekends, on a rough average), too much energy investment.

All that keeps me ticking over nicely.

I’ve never felt it in the first place. Mine is controlled completely by ovulation. I only have desire around that time. The rest of the time - zero. Presumably that’s a very low libido.

@Loucille I agree with your friend.

I'm a straight woman and not overly sexual. (I can and will be with the right person.) I no longer see the benefit of casual sex or ONS's. If I get the urge (and I do), I can sort myself out. If I don't want to have sex, I don't have to. I can go weeks without feeling any arousal. I can be aroused a lot.

@SaraSunny For me, I think it would be a mistake as I can't imagine missing on out on the initial spark, attraction and the giddiness of a new relationship. - for me, the initial spark isn't physical or sexual. It's not "he's hot, I want to shag his brains out." He could well be incredibly attractive and I can appreciate that but it's not until I start chatting to him that I'll feel a spark (or not!).

I've had a man tell me that men and women don't share the same hobbies and that sex is the only thing that bonds them. It's true to an extent, we don't always share a hobby but I find it sad that they think sex is the only thing that bonds them to their partner. It reduces your relationship to nothing but sex. If that works for both parties, then cool. I personally want more - and I think that bond is created by more than just sex. It's everything else you do together. Taking trips, discovering new things, silly random things, private jokes, learning a new skill, just being together. Etc etc.

I think creating a bond that goes beyond sex is much more important. I don't think men want that, but maybe they would be happier if they did.

BTW, I'm not saying sex isn't important. It absolutely is. But for me it's important with a man I have a good, solid, all-round connection to.

Even just feeling sexual energy makes me happy. Having a flirty chat with someone random and knowing you both ‘would’. Having guys look at me and also enjoying a glance at an attractive guy. I’m not saying I want more than that but I do enjoy those feelings. And I did LOVE being single and fancying someone and the anticipation building between you over weeks. I think taking all that away would make my life more dull

When I was on the pill and even antidepressants (kills libido), I would only think of sex when I had a connection with a man, with positive interactions over time. I had only attraction for my partner when I had one but could appreciate a good-looking man as I would a nice painting. BUT then I stopped the pill and also my antidepressants and suddenly I felt as though I was 16 again. I have to sympathise with how men cope for arousal at inappropriate times. There were times it was all I could think about until it was complete. I loved my partner, but even an attractive man on TV would set me off.

Attraction and desire are very infectious and exciting things. It can make us feel alive again. Unfortunately, if you don't want pregnancies or need help with your mental health, it isn't always an option. Typical for us women really when we get something we enjoy. I must admit, though, there were times I wish it would have switched off. Having me grinding across chairs whilst in a world of my own being completely oblivious and doing so unknowingly after seeing an attractive man on YouTube is not an ideal situation. I would also find any part of a man attractive suddenly. My taste in mens ages went up as it wasn't men in their 20s anymore it was 30s and 40s. As I'm in my 30s. When I was on the pill, it took me a long time to get to know them before I could feel that desire.

Hormones are strange and powerful things.

Yes, I felt the same way through much of my teens and early twenties. Being horny was a pain.