Help with erectile dysfunction (ED)

[SleeplessinEaling]

Hi everyone,

Sensitive topic I know, here goes.

I am a 49 year old woman. Been seeing a new man since early January. He is 61, about to turn 62 soon. I noticed he was very slow to initiate anything physical, but I put this down to him being very polite, which he was and very much still is. Things are generally going really well between us and it turned physical around 3 weeks ago. I am a very physical person and am usually much faster in moving on to the sexual side of things, so I've been feeling very lustful but having to kind of restrain myself (ha ha).

The problem is he really struggles to get an erection at all. On the few occasions where he has had one, it has all but disappeared within around 2 to 3 minutes of him getting hard. It was quite a nice size though. He seems to be very interested in having a physical relationship with me, is very attracted to me based on his words and actions and is keen to pleasure me in other ways, but I really love penetration and I have got myself into an intense state of frustration.

He tells me he has had all his health checks done and nothing is wrong there, although I'm not 100% convinced about that and I do need to talk with him about what the actual results are, as I know so many things can affect it. I know it could be age and low libido.

In my previous relationship, the sex was so amazing. I'm trying not to allow my mind to wander back to that, but I do miss that lust and intensity. It was very bonding as well, although other parts of the relationship were not so good, but it was one of the things that glued us together. I very much want this with new man, as I feel this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my days. I've fallen for him big time and I'd love to hear other peoples' experiences of this. Both men and women.

I've just bought an amazing vibrator. It's not too big or daunting looking. It's helping with the frustration but what would be totally amazing would be if he would use it to satisfy me. I don't know if I should even mention it though, as I don't want to intimidate him or make him anxious or feel insecure.

Help!

Get him to see his doctor for a blood test. Testosterone levels etc. Could be an underlying cause of many conditions, including diabetes. But most of these ED problems are psychological. I'm 55 and periodically, it happens to me.

Why on earth would you go into a relationship knowing he’s much older than you, has ED, and you’re already not satisfied. I think you very seriously need to think about ending it now.

"I've just bought an amazing vibrator. It's not too big or daunting looking. It's helping with the frustration but what would be totally amazing would be if he would use it to satisfy me. I don't know if I should even mention it though, as I don't want to intimidate him or make him anxious or feel insecure."

I am pretty sure, he will be up for it.

Oh dear!

The solution to everthing is end the relationship immediately.

Is he on medication?
Stresses of life?
Are your libido's matched?

Visit to the GP.

Blood tests and include PSA
Prostate exam or scan to ascertain prostate health
Ask the GP for a prescription for either Cialis or Viagra. If he's healthy and has a libido then I'd recommend the Cialis or the generic version of it.
If it's a confidence issue then it needs to be dealt with compassionately.

3 weeks is early enough for this to be performance anxiety. Maybe it's nothing.

As for the toy, just tell him you want him to - he'll think all his Christmasses have come early.

Mind you, as others say, is it worth it? Might be easier to walk away.

Oh yes absolutely!! Nothing comes (!) close to actual sex imho.

In this case it probably is. It's a new relationship, easy to walk away.

Which vibrator did you buy please? Askin' for a friend... 😉

I don't think ending a relationship would be an answer. In OPs post, she said that she didn't want to make him anxious or Insecure. Leaving him because of a medical problem would do both.

From the amount of threads on erectile dysfunction on MN concerning men over 50, I would say that it's a common problem amongst that age group; including for myself. So, what are the chances if she left her partner, of meeting another man with a similar problem?

Do all men over 50 have ED? I didn’t realise that. Well if I was her I’d go for someone younger then!

I guess if she wasn’t that into sex it wouldn’t matter but she said herself she was comparing him to her ex and the great sex. He’s always going to be a disappointment..,

I actually think he should have been upfront from the start. Especially as she’s over 10 years younger than him

It could well be anxiety on his part and could be resolved given a little more time.
Yes check he's not on any medication.

I would also want to know:
when was his last sexual relationship and was it a problem then?
Is he a pornography viewer? This can cause ED in some cases.

I think I would want to know for sure that he has fully explored the medical side of his ED. If he was unsure at first he must already know he has a problem and may have ended previous relationship.

In long term relationships I think the use of toys and non penetrative sex is a good way to keep intimacy going and stay together.

Unfortunately in your case I’d be inclined to go with @Gymbunny2025 and at a few weeks in with that age gap and your very mismatched sex drive I think you may need to end the relationship and I don’t say that often.

If you really don’t want too, then if using toys to bring you sexual satisfaction Is essential that he is open to this in my opinion and if the answer is no then that’s got to be a deal breaker.

Very best of luck

A large percentage of men over 50 have, or occasionally experience, ED. Just one of the joys of getting older...

I completely agree with the PP who say that he needs to visit his doctor, and have a full health check, particularly a PSA level check - ideally annually..

Viagra and Cialis are now available over the counter, and both work well, but it's important he has the health check first to ensure taking one of those won't interfere with anything else, or cause more issues.

He may or may not be into using toys in the bedroom. Some men find them "competition" in some way, some are more than happy to include them

Also, he has hands and a tongue....

His mindset & what's happening seems very similar to me (I'm 62). Derive pleasure from giving pleasure & not too bothered about own needs.
From my experience here are my takings on the matter.

Overthinking = spiral. As soon as you overtaking & start to worry about whether you can stay hard you'll get soft.

Gravity- if the man is on his back blood will drain from the erection . Give him oral when he's sitting might help & sex works better missionary or from behind.

Condoms are a passion killer. Make sure he gets a correct fitting one. They add to the overthinking too as if you have a problem with going soft with a condom it'll flip off. Also if he can't feel anything he's going to go soft.

ED meds are awesome. Apart.from the physical benefit it gives the man a mental boost & can also make him feel extra hard.

As others have mentioned a GP visit wont do any harm - ask the GP to test his testosterone levels.

. If sex or oral aren't doing it, don't underestimate the effectiveness of a hand job with a nice lube.
Good luck!

Well I'm very grateful for all the responses, especially from the men.

There are some health issues which are now being investigated. We've had a couple of really in-depth conversations about it, We have even got a laugh out of it all!

So whoever said I should go for it with the vibrator, thank you! It was amazing and he was very turned on by using it on me.

So I do like him a lot and even if this never gets resolved and it's an age thing and nothing works, I'm old enough to understand that penetrative sex isn't everything. Yes, it would be absolutely amazing to have that with him, but for now, we're taking the right steps and taking each day as it comes.

He was upfront at a relatively early stage. It can't be an easy thing for a man to talk about.

Fantastic news @SleeplessinEaling !

Presumably he uses Viagra already OP? And it doesn’t work?

good to hear he was upfront and you’re ok with working around it. He’s a lucky man!

@SleeplessinEaling its great that you are both communicating about it, you are right , for most men it’s a very sensitive subject but being sympathetic, understanding and finding solutions together is fantastic.

What I will say is, ED very rarely cures itself and unless he proactively finds a solution it will never get better. At 49 you are still young and you need to be absolutely sure you are happy to potentially never having PIV again if he doesn’t get help and see a urologist. There are ‘synthetic’ ways to have PIV such as a vacuum pump, injections and an implant but he needs to want to do these and still have a healthy intimate relationship with you.

It can't be easy at all and I think it's pretty mean to rule a guy out because of this, if you really like him, get on and find him attractive.

I don't agree with @Gymbunny2025 that such a guy should be dumped unceremoniously and a younger model with a rock hard dick replace him.

It's honestly not all about how hard his dick is, and can't be.

Well, can be, if someone is that way minded, but a full relationship is about so much more.

OP seems to be onside, she's happy, they love the giant vibrator, medical steps are being taken. They are working with what they've got.

It's easy enough to find a super hard dick, but not so easy to find someone you like in lots of other ways as well, and thankfully the OP understands and respects that.

Depends how willing he is to seek help to see if he can resolve it. If he buries his head in the sand the. I can see where you're coming from but drugs etc can help in a lot of situations, so don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

The OP said he’d had it checked out and no cause was found. And he already knew he had ED so MUST have tried Viagra (and if not then he’s an idiot!)

So I’d be left thinking this wasn’t going to be easy or possible to treat. And I, like the OP originally said, think penetration and sex are incredibly enjoyable and important and there’s absolutely no way I’d resign myself to a life without either before I was even 50 (dildo is hardly a replacement!) when it is fairly painless to walk away from a 3 month relationship. Very different if it’s a 30 year marriage obviously.

however I appreciate there are women like @valentinka31where ED would not be important as long as the relationship is full and loving in other ways.

Actually no, to be strictly honest, I wouldn't have a relationship with a much older guy with ED. But I wouldn't even ever be at the stage the OP has got to, I would never have gone anywhere near the offer in the first place. Yes, because I would prefer the simplicity of a rock hard dick and so I know I would not be on side with this particular guy, and a relationship for me would need the right kind of sex. I was talking about the OP's relationship and how she clearly seems not to mind in some ways, and to be willing to work on it.

So I have a little update. Thanks again to everyone for their help.

So he is pre-diabetic and if he doesn't change his diet and habits like now, it will be type 2 diabetes and he will possibly need to go on Metformin or something similar. This is something that was going on before I got to know him. The GP is keeping an eye on him. Apparently diabetes can cause ED? Does anyone have experience with it?

I didn't realise that it could be so damaging to the nervous system and to circulation (call me naive). And to health generally. Reading about it is scary. I also don't know what the prognosis is.

He lost a fair bit of weight and I didn't realise that was another possible symptom. I always thought you gained weight as I have a friend who is type 2 and he is obese. However, come to think about it, another friend's husband is type 2 and almost painfully thin. He is on Metformin.

I've found myself feeling really annoyed with him about his sugar consumption because he heaps it into tea and coffee and onto cereal and other things, but is then avoiding chocolate, desserts and cakes etc. But it's pointless doing that if he's consuming a ton of sugar in other respects. Going to get him onto a sweetener. The future doesn't look good for his health if he doesn't get this under control, let alone any kind of bedroom activity.....