Any advise so welcome 🙏🏾

[BertieB88]

Background:
Me and boyfriend been together for just over a couple of years and we had an amazing sex life until around about 3 months ago. We had sex as often as possible, almost every day. This is the first relationship I've had where I've actively seeked out sex.
I was in a sexless 15 year marriage before this.
Last year around May both of our best friends died within a few days of eachother, unexpectedly and not related. This took its toll but he was using benzos as a coping mechanism.
In the new year he stopped benzos all together, and come off his antidepressants (after 5 years) and is using the gym as a source of a way to manage his MH.
He says he basically hasn't got a labido right now because he's got a lot going on in his head due to having masked last years tragedy by using benzos. He says he's in a bad place mentally but trying to work through. He has therapy.

My question is, how long do I wait for things to return. I know I sound selfish but I feel like I finally had something I wanted for ever and now it's just gone. He says it's not me but I'm struggling massively with feeling insecure and not good enough. The relationship seems too new to have such a big sex test!? I'm not asking for something we've not already had and this isn't a negotiable for me.
We talk about it a lot, our communication is good but I just want to have regular sex!!!!
He basically says he doesn't know when it will come back and he'd like me to wait, but I can leave if I want to 😭

If anyone's got any advise I'd be really appreciative

I’m sorry for your loss.
Do you live together? I suspect he’s taking anabolic steroids, hence the drop in libido.
You can leave the relationship without evidence or justification. For whatever reason a big part of it that sustained you is off the table, it’s fine to walk away.

Agree 😔

I'm rather saddened by the 2 previous posts. It's not difficult to read them as "Leave your partner because of their mental health."

Proscribed psychotropic medication is frequently discussed on MN as a libido suppressor, so it shouldn't be surprising to read that your partner has lost his.
Is he doing something positive about it by going to the gym? Yes. (I didn't read anything from the OP that suggested anabolic steroids, or maybe I'm being naive about their prevalence.) Can anyone say if and when things will change? No. Chanelling negative emotions may be very effective, or they might just allow him to bury his pain. It's difficult to know which. If he is suffering from trauma, is he getting counselling to help process that?

You say you are "struggling massively with feeling insecure and not good enough." That is something you could seek to deal with yourself in counselling. The causes, the history, the way you deal with that, and the ways to start liking yourself more.

If your relationship is on rocky ground, you could talk to a counsellor together.

At the end of the day, whether the relationship breaks down because of sex or laundry or money or football, it doesn't really matter. It's what you choose to do before it's too late that makes the difference.

Thanks for the reply though he's not on steroids! We do live together yes. I might need to consider the split, you're right 😞

I suspect he’s taking anabolic steroids, hence the drop in libido.

That's a very big and unjustified assumption!!

Does every man who goes to the gym take steroids?

It's his mental health and nothing to do with steroids!

Handmaiden.
@BertieB88 is not a rehab centre.

@mnmndddddif you read the timeline though they were having great sex after his friend died, while he was taking antidepressants. It is only since he STOPPED antidepressants and joined the gym that his libido has vanished… it won’t be exercise that has caused this.

And yes anabolic steroids are really prevalent at gyms sadly. OP if he is bulking up after 3 months at gym I would be very suspicious

Its actually a misconception that steroids lower libido, they actually increase libido whilst on them and its only when men come off them their libido can decrease,.

ED is more prevalent however in young men taking anabolic steroids.

Anyway, OP has stated she doesn't think he is on them anyway so I would expect its the after effects of stopping the antidepressants which do lower libido - they will still be in his system for a fair old while I guess so a healthy lifestyle, with exercise and diet should help.

@smithey855have you ever spoken to a man taking them? Do you know what happens 😬

Yes, one of my employees used to take them. aside from his suits being super tight you'd never know he was using.

This extract is taken from Pubmed.ncbi - Note the last paragraph.....

The effects of anabolic steroid use on male sexual behavior were assessed using a structured clinical interview administered to male body builders currently using steroids, and to two comparison groups (body builders with a past but not current history of steroid use, and a group of "natural" body builders who had never used steroids). Current anabolic steroid users had a significantly higher coital and orgasmic frequency than did comparison athletes. They also reported a significantly higher incidence of erectile difficulties during the past month. Beliefs concerning the sexually stimulating effects of steroids did not correlate with the frequencies of specific sexual behaviors. The data support the contention that anabolic steroids, as androgenic compounds, enhance sexual desire.

I don’t think you quite understand what it involves @smithey855thank you for copy and pasting though!! I think to understand you’d need to go onto one of the forums where they all talk about what they do. Or speak to your colleague. It’s actually quite complicated. But what they don’t talk about is that they don’t know what they’re buying, there’s not much evidence in some of their philosophies, and sometimes the effects are irreversible. It’s scary stuff.

if the OP’s partner has already been self medicating with benzos and is now at a gym instead… I’d definitely be questioning what else he’s self medicating with.

Do you know if he is suffering ED OP? Or is he avoiding you completely?