How would you feel about this?

[SlateGreyOk]

I just need some straight up opinions because I can't figure out if I'm unreasonable.

Together with partner for 2 years. I have DC so we see each other 1 evening during the week and every other weekend. This amounts to about 8/9 days we can have sex a month. Not a great deal.

Partner has said a few times in the past that sex in a relationship isn't the be all and end all and that it's not one of the most important things to him.
Its also the case that partner watches porn fairly regularly (I think, he's a bit vague about the regularity) well, it's definitely more regularly than we're having sex anyway .
I personally feel I want to rip his clothes off when we see each other (barring extreme tiredness or illness of course) but he's not that bothered whether we do or not. He says he enjoys the intimacy of cuddling and doing nice things for/with one another. I agree all those things are important, but hearing that sex with me is not up there is difficult.
This has made me feel like he has a high sex drive for porn, but a low one with me.

I just need some thoughts. I've booked a therapist to discuss my low self esteem (that I know I need to address) but part of me thinks it's normal to feel hurt and offended by this.

It sounds like he may have a problem when it comes to his porn usage frequency, especially if he is more enthusiastic about that than actual sex with you given the lack of chances you get together. Personally if I were you, I’d have a talk with him about how you are feeling and just be honest, if he listens and thinks about it, then that’s great as that may lead to improvement in your sex lives, if he gets angry or withdraws, then personally if it were me I’d be thinking about the relationship (if sex is important to you, which isn’t a bad thing if it is).

Do you mean he’d happily spend a weekend with you and not have sex? I mean, whatever the reason I’d just end it. It 💯 won’t be anything to do with you though.

I think probably, yes. It's happened before, a whole weekend, for whatever reason.
It's just the contradiction that can't get past.
Now I have the knowledge that he doesn't place sex highly in a relationship but is still having sexual needs met otherwise.
It just seems bonkers to me.

It is- it’s not normal. But that’s how you can be sure it’s nothing to do with you.

Man always wants sex - sex pest
man never wants sex - porn addict.

these are the typical responses for posts like these. There another thread currently where the man wants sex and the woman doesn’t - will be intriguing to see how they play out!

in all seriousness; some men can and do have low sex drives. Having sex 8/9 days a month is not a tiny amount, but it has to work for both of you.

Most men watch porn, and if your DP was watching porn on the days he isn’t with you, then this does not make him a porn addict.

porn and sex is very different. They release different hormones and require little and a lot more effort.

just have a chat with him. I’m pretty sure if he was upset that he wasn’t getting as much sex as he’d like , both the responses on here and your response would be very different.

Yeah, calm down.

No one implied he was a porn addict? 😂

I've had many chats with him about it.

Lack of sex wouldn't be an issue if he wasn't getting off in other ways.
Sex is a big part of a relationship. It forges deeper understanding and closeness.
If he's seeking it in other ways without his partner being satisfied then it becomes a problem.

8/9 times a month isn't necessarily low but it depends on the couple.

I think the point she’s making is they have 9 days of opportunity but he isn’t fussed about using them. Even though he’s obviously sorting himself out when they’re not together.

Actually someone has already mentioned porn and it is the usual response on MN, nothing that I said previously way aimed at you.

can you clarify - you said you can have sex 8/9 times a month. Does that mean that’s what you do have or what you potentially could have?

because if it’s the latter and it’s only once or twice then that’s very different.

Tbh he sounds as if he just has a lower/low sex drive and it’s no reflection on you.

@Applesandpears0 he’s choosing to watch porn rather than have sex with a relatively new partner. Of course it’s not a reflection on her!! But it is a reflection on him. Not saying he’s a porn addict at all but if I was the OP it would be a dealbreaker

8/9 is the max amount we could have.
It's prob about half that.

Is he though? OP hasn’t ever said this , just that she thinks he watches porn regularly, and if they spend 21 days apart a month then most people would expect that one or even both parties might want some solo fun whilst not in each others company?

If he’s watching porn whilst with OP, and then saying no to sex then that’s very different, but OP hasn’t implied this in the case therefore the porn is somewhat irrelevant here imo and he clearly just has a lower sex drive than OP.

@SlateGreyOk - does your DP actually know you want more sex? Have you talked to him about it?

if you haven’t, then it might be as simple as he doesn’t want to pester you for sex and be a ‘sex pest’

You clearly have a very different attitude in a newish relationship to sex than me and OP @Applesandpears0😂.

Not really, I’ve had relationships where we’ve been like rabbits and others where it’s been much more infrequent- every relationship is deferent and it just sounds like sex isn’t a huge priority for OP’s DP, either because of low libido or because he doesn’t realise that OP wants more sex.

Let’s wait and see what OP responses are before we jump to conclusions.

Yes he definitely knows I want more sex.
We have had many conversations about it.

I have no issues with masturbation whatsoever.

But to be told sex isn't that important to him and yet he's said in a round about way that he's watching porn regularly, it just feels like there's clearly a pretty standard sex drive there, but it's doesn't translate into real life

I wouldn’t worry about why he’s choosing porn over you. And I’d also ignore anyone trying to normalise that!!! But ultimately it’s not going to get any better… but will likely get much worse. You deserve someone who can’t keep his hands off you (not his phone)

I'm a man in similar situation to you, and I get your frustration. DP and I both have kids from previous relationships, so we only get one weekend a fortnight alone together. After two weeks apart, I'm gagging for it, and to start with DP was too. We'd have sex every fortnight when we got together, usually a couple of times in the weekend. Except when DP was on or near her period (fair enough). Over time it's dropped off - slowed down to once on our weekends, then not even every time, then less than half our weekends (so once a month, or a bit less). Now it seems DP rarely wants sex - we're down to 3 times in 8 eight months.

She's made a few comments about 'getting too old for it' (we're 'only' mid 40's). I'm wondering if she was just in the middle of a peri menopause high sex drive when we got together, and now that's passed and she's not so interested. From what she's told me about her past, it sounds like she always used to have a high sex drive. I don't know how often she masturbates, but know she does. One time she even told me she had to pull over on the way home from work to sort herself out after listening to a raunchy audio book in the car. I also watch porn and masturbate while we're apart, but for me that's definitely a poor substitute for the real thing, and it certainly doesn't reduce my desire when we are together.

I think it would be fair to discount your 1 evening during the week that you're together from the equation though - unless he's staying overnight and your child free. So your 8-9 'opportunities' per month is really more like 4 or 5? And you don't really have any idea much he's watching porn and how often he's masturbating when you're not together. It might be relatively infrequent, but your mind is playing on it and your frustration/insecurity might be leading you to assume it's a lot more than it really is?

I asked him if he felt it was a compulsion (admittedly we'd had a drink when I asked this) this was after he'd suggested going to bed to "watch a film and fall asleep" we hadn't had sex for 2 weeks and I was frustrated by the thought of it happening again.
I didn't raise my voice by the way, I asked an honest question, do you think you're using porn compulsively and he said yes.
He went away and read a book, signed up to an app etc, now there's been a complete about turn and he now says he's not got a problem. he's not speaking to me at all about it. I haven't heard from him in 5 days

I’m sorry @SlateGreyOk. You asked a reasonable and open question and did nothing wrong. I suspect he realised he didn’t want to change. Hopefully you will move on and meet someone wonderful

@cheshireblokeI'm sorry you’re in this situation too. FWIW I’d say it’s more likely she’s perimenopausal now (rather than when you met) and that’s why her libido has taken a hit. I think if you’re (understandably) not happy with the situation it’s worth broaching if she might be and suggesting HRT?

Thank you x

He maintains that I cause unnecessary arguments over it, but it is honestly only because there's clearly a disconnect somewhere and I can't just keep quiet when I'm upset. I didn't even raise my voice, I just wanted to get to the bottom of it.
Now I'm being ignored like I don't exist