How to reignite love

[CakesCrispsChocolate]

Ladies,
Long one here but I’m desperate for help.
I love my husband dearly but love making is just not there, infact any type of intimacy is gone.
I’ll hold my hands up, its all my fault - a combination of being self conscious about body due to weight gain after pregnancies, total lack of sex drive & growing up in a household that did not show love and affection. I’m struggling.

How do i break down the walls and just open up, literally!
I WANT to be affectionate but i just dont know
how. It’s not something i grew up seeing so I dont know how. It would feel awkward & cringy to sit on the couch together holding hands.

We have gotten ourselves into a habit now of when kids go to bed we spend our evenings alone either by watching our own tv shows/going to the gym, then bed. We literally dont spend time with each other (without the kids). I’m not sure how we would fit it in. We dont have the same television interests so like to do our own thing on an evening. Every Saturday we make a point of sitting together to watch a movie but theres still no intimacy.

What do YOUR daily lives/love lives look like?
How can we fix this?
How do you fit intimacy & affection naturally into the day?

To add, we have no marital concerns at all. Everything is perfect aside from the intimacy, affection and sex.

Do you never hug or kiss? Link arms when watching a movie?

Is there something you both enjoy you can do together? Something fun? Or maybe take up a hobby together? I think once you're having a laugh together again everything else will follow but don't put pressure on yourself

The only time we have affection is when we have sex. Which is so rare!

That's what you need to address first!

with 3 younger kids all activites in evenings/ weekends its difficult to spend time together alone to take up a hobby. We have no family support around us.

we have a laugh together all the time, rarely ever argue or have disagreements. its purely the intimacy & affection which is missing. Its on my part, i clam up when he tries to cuddle I think its because i grew up without that. Whilst in a loved and happy home i’ve never heard “love you” or had a cuddle offered from my parents or grandparents. Its very sad really.

Totally!
but i’m at a loss how to without feeling awkward

I couldn't go straight from being mum to sex... it's a tricky phase of your life. If you have a great relationship there's no rush

Start from the bottom and work your way up - In a literal sense its actually the other way around but you get what i mean!

Firstly, take sex out of the equation. You can't have a fulfilling sex life without intimacy.

Take baths or showers together, wash each others bodies and learn to love YOUR body again. I'm sure your DH does!

Massage - Such a great way to get close with each other without any pressure

Watch a film together - There MUST be some things on TV you both have a shared interest in. Sit on the same sofa together, put a blanket over you and let nature take its course!

do Joint activities together - Even cooking together can bring you closer

The fact that you want to be closer is great, and if he does as well, i'm sure you'll both be fine.

I’m the same with my DH too. It gets to the point it’s too awkward to go in for a hug.

Its so awkward isnt it 🙈 i think its cos its all built up in my head too that it can never just be an innocent hug as thats what we have allowed it to become!

Hobbies don't need to cost money/be out of the house/need a babysitter etc. Could you play cards, a board game, do a jigsaw, cook a nice meal and eat together once the kids are in bed? Just a few examples off the top of my head. I think making the effort to spend time together is the first big thing to "fix" it might be that you try several different activities until you find one you both enjoy and it might feel awkward and forced at first as you're just used to doing your own thing but once you find your activity (activities, doesn't have to just be one thing) then you'll look forward to the kids going to bed so you can play monopoly or whatever and because you're enjoying the activity together you'll enjoy time together and the rest should then follow.
You don't get a box of love when you get married, you get an empty box and it's up to both of you to fill it and keep it filled. It's hard, really hard, when the kids are small and life is busy but this is the most important time to top up the box or you find yourself with an empty nest and an empty box.
That all said, don't put too much pressure on yourselves, yes you should actively write in the diary Tues and Thurs night is couple time/cards night etc but if you've had a spectacularly bad day at work or with the kids allow yourselves to cancel, just make sure you don't cancel too often and you do rearrange. On the cancelled night's when you're just not in the mood make time to at least have a few minutes sitting together and being together if you're not quite at the hugging stage yet.
The fact you have identified the cause of the issue and indeed that their is an issue is massive and it sounds solvable with a bit of effort. I assume DH knows the environment you grew up in? Tell him to show you how he would like you to show him affection and ask him to take the lead on holding hands, giving hugs, saying I love you until it becomes more naturally to you. Show your DC you being loving to each other (and just as importantly to them) so they don't feel the same way in their adult relationships as you do now, every time it feels awkward remind yourself you don't want your kids to feel like you do to help give you the push to get through the awkwardness into genuine affection

Thank you. What a fab response with so much homework for me!

Homework for both of you OP! It's a team effort to fill that box so don't take it all upon yourself to "fix" this and from the snippets you've shared about your life this does sound like it's definitely fixable and not the usual LTB posts like on the relationships board lol

Dr Karen Gurney is a Psychologist in the NHS. She has an Instagram page called The Love Doctor. She talks about sexual currency which are those little acts of affection that you give to each other through the day & this builds that connection to intimacy & it prevents this feeling awkward as you're not going from nothing to full on sex.
She has written two books that you might find helpful: Mind the Gap and How to not let kids ruin your sex life. She's also talked on several podcasts about this (Don't Buy Her Flowers podcast).