Sexless marriage vs rampant libido

[ForShameNewName]

Our relationship quickly turned sexless, not my choice. Can't ever have a meaningful discussion with DH, he just makes light of it.

We have a young child so I've just been concentrating on that for the past few years. He's at work so much I barely see him, so there's childcare and work getting in the way of even discussing, let alone having, sex.

We're older parents and I'm hitting perimenopause and am feeling massively horny. I've always had a fairly high libido and sex with my husband was great at first but after about the first year tailed off (our child was concieved via ivf, before you ask)

This is my first marriage and longest relationship. DH was married before and cheated on, the situation was horrific and I really don't want to cheat, cause him pain or break up our family. But I'm desperate for a great shag. It's been years (probably about 6) since we've done anything remotely intimate and I just feel I can't live like this forever, especially now I've been hit by this huge increase in libido. Has anyone else in this situation found a solution?

It sounds like his ex wife was and chose her solution...

I was going to say exactly the same as the PP.
Its not going to change. For whatever reason he is not interested in sex. You’ll tie yourself in knots trying to work it out so its either lump it or leave.

I had an affair with a woman in a very similar situation to you OP. She also felt guilt but the need for great sex overcame it and we had a fantastic time together. What worked for us was very clear communication, boundaries and expectations; this allowed us to keep it strictly sexual and minimised the chance of being caught or it interfering with her family life.

@ForShameNewName I completely appreciate your situation, if he won't talk about it then maybe the threat of losing you might jolt him to address this. Most men would probably be very grateful to have a wife feeling the way you are right now.
There are maybe ways you can find to achieve what you need? I take it you are regularly finding your own pleasure?

What do you want OP? He's not going to change after 6 years. I think you have to decide what you want and then tell him, whether that's an open marriage or the end of the marriage.

I'll tell you the same as I'd tell a man. If it's that important to you - leave or open up the marriage. Neither are great options if the relationship is otherwise good and you love him. Is it? Do you?

Having been in a similar situation- I would suggest counselling - either on your own or together with him.

If he won't agree, you have your answer & go for counselling alone to explore the issues yourself & what you want to do.

For me, I left him. It was awful & like opening Pandora's box. Sex is a great barometer of what's going on in a relationship & there were uncomfortable truths.

But 5 years later, it was the best thing ever. I do not regret it.

As a woman in my 50's, rediscovering sex with a new partner has been wonderful. I could not face the thought of never having sex again.

I would definitely share your feelings with him first and then maybe try counseling if needed, but once he understands your needs hopefully things may improve. I'm sure most couples go through periods of mismatched libidos with kids, stress etc. but it would seem best to work through it.

I would also recommend a good vibrator (Hitachi wand) and other sex toys. I have a good sex drive but there are times it is high and I'm just horny often and he's not around. My vibrator is my go to regularly at these times and keeps me satisfied.

I am in the exact same position, it’s has been 3 yrs since I have had sex with my husband. Christmas was the final straw for me, where I tried to instigate (after shipping kids to a club)and he once again rejected me. We had a frank discussion and have opened things up and 2 weeks ago (after several dates) I took a FwB. I didn’t feel any guilt and it was so good to experience intimacy again.

@Aishabibi Glad you have found what you needed. Has there been any negative effects on your relationship? Is your husband aware of the FwB? Has he taken advantage of the openness in your relationship?

He is aware without knowing any details. He says he’s not interested in sex at all but obviously open is for us both