Open ongoing consent, including when asleep…

OneLemonGuide · 2025-02-19T07:43:58+00:00

… is this normal? My DP and I are both late-40s, have been together 16 months or so and are having the best sex of our lives! Sex feels incredibly natural and it’s just something we do when together as naturally and frequently as having a cup of tea! We’re very open about things and essentially consent is just always there between us, including when initiating when the other is asleep (something we both spoke about beforehand to ensure the other was genuinely ok with this). Is this normal, or are we basically just a pair of insatiable nymphos?!

TickTickTock · 19/02/2025 08:21

If that agreement works for you two then it's fine! I don't see why you can't give prior consent to something like initiating during sleep, as long as there's also the understanding that the consent can be withdrawn at any time if one of you isn't feeling it in the moment. Enjoy!

smithey855 · 19/02/2025 08:29

Agree with the above poster.

your set up won’t work for everyone, and I’m sure if you posted this in the relationship board you’ll get very different responses, but if it works for you then great.

My ex and I had a similar set up, almost a free use set up of you like, and it worked very well for us but it was of the understanding that if in the very rare even either said no, then no means no.

MaeDaymon · 19/02/2025 09:59

You're 2 consenting adults with a prior agreement.

NinaOakley · 19/02/2025 13:49

I feel very sad for couples where this is an issue, but clearly it is for many. Enjoy! Whatever works for both of you is where the line is.

Gymbunny2025 · 19/02/2025 15:00

I am going to hazard a guess you don't live together 😂

Chellybelle · 19/02/2025 15:26

You might have a prior agreement but no one wants sex 100% of the time and people can change their minds. If you wanted sex with her and could tell she didn't want it would you just carry on regardless because she's agreed to it beforehand? If the answer is no then you aren't doing what you're proclaiming to do. And if you would then that is plain wrong and not respecting boundaries.

Maccar305 · 19/02/2025 15:27

Everyone's "normal" is different!
😊 Enjoy

Idontjetwashthefucker · 19/02/2025 16:03

Chellybelle · 19/02/2025 15:26

You might have a prior agreement but no one wants sex 100% of the time and people can change their minds. If you wanted sex with her and could tell she didn't want it would you just carry on regardless because she's agreed to it beforehand? If the answer is no then you aren't doing what you're proclaiming to do. And if you would then that is plain wrong and not respecting boundaries.

Bit of a leap there, I'm sure OP isn't going to force their partner if they said no

Huckyfell · 19/02/2025 17:08

you are basically just a pair of insatiable nymphos, it'll go sooner or later so enjoy it whilst it lasts

aCatCalledFawkes · 19/02/2025 18:31

I think it’s fine if you are happy. My last experience of it was that I ended up very tired and that it wasn’t always convenient - just for work, weekends tiredness etc. Life can be busy so it’s not alway desirable

Stephy1886 · 19/02/2025 20:44

Not weird at all

I just agree free use days before hand

Original poster

OneLemonGuide · 19/02/2025 21:07

Gymbunny2025 · 19/02/2025 15:00

I am going to hazard a guess you don't live together 😂

Correct! I think that definitely makes a difference… We’re with each other 2-4 nights each week. I reckon things would have slowed down a bit if we lived together… Makes me wonder why living together is necessarily seen as a good thing from a relationship perspective!

OP posts:

Original poster

OneLemonGuide · 19/02/2025 21:09

Chellybelle · 19/02/2025 15:26

You might have a prior agreement but no one wants sex 100% of the time and people can change their minds. If you wanted sex with her and could tell she didn't want it would you just carry on regardless because she's agreed to it beforehand? If the answer is no then you aren't doing what you're proclaiming to do. And if you would then that is plain wrong and not respecting boundaries.

First, it’s a bit of a leap to assume I’m a man! Second, of course we wouldn’t force ourselves on each other when the other didn’t want it and justify it with “well, you agreed last night!”

OP posts:

Gymbunny2025 · 19/02/2025 22:10

I think 12-24 months is the relationship sweet spot in so many ways. And I totally agree not living together keeps it a lot more intense. Enjoy 😉

OfcourseitsaNC · 20/02/2025 08:42

Completely normal. It's great, isn't it?

OfcourseitsaNC · 20/02/2025 08:44

I do think forums such as this one have made us think this type of behaviour is strange, when in actual fact it's completely normal in most healthy relationships.

MN is very much skewed to people supporting others in unhealthy relationships.

Gymbunny2025 · 20/02/2025 08:59

I don't think that's true @OfcourseitsaNC ? I think we've all experienced that (or most of us)? I think it's framing this stage as a consent/lack of which would probably upset some people- understandably really. And there are definitely times when no sane person would be happy to be woken up at night for sex 😂 but in a new relationship where you don't live together and can't get enough of each other it's completely normal

6namechange3 · 20/02/2025 09:40

I see my partner a couple of times a week, I would wake him up in a sexual way on a Sunday morning and so far he has never responded in a less than very enthusiastic way. If he gave me a kiss and said I'm tired I would obviously respect that. I also would never do that when I know he has got to get up for an early shift. Also when I had small children my ex would have known to wake me up when I was asleep in sexual way ( or any way !)would be certain death. As always it'd about communication and respect.

OfcourseitsaNC · 20/02/2025 12:04

@Gymbunny2025 ?

I'm not sure what you mean?

Gymbunny2025 · 20/02/2025 12:28

I was replying to this comment you made:

I do think forums such as this one have made us think this type of behaviour is strange, when in actual fact it's completely normal in most healthy relationships.

I would have thought most people on this forum have experienced this phase in a relationship? Because it is normal and healthy!

Whereas the OP was framing it as not needing explicit consent during the night etc. but actually that's just situational because they don't live together. If they had a newborn as pp said I'm sure she wouldn't be ok with it 😂

OfcourseitsaNC · 20/02/2025 16:28

Ah, you've not read threads in relationships/AIBU then @Gymbunny2025 where some posters would call this behaviour rape/abusive. They feel express verbal consent is needed to be gained every time.

The fact the OP is even asking if it's normal implies that there's a question it might not be.

I stand by my assertion that MN, and other forums like it, is making some people become hypersensitive to and concerned about what is normal behaviour.

I think we can both agree that the OP should absolutely be loving the season their relationship is currently in. 😁

smithey855 · 20/02/2025 18:07

Lets be honest, the replies you get on topics like this on the sex forum are ENTIRELY different to those on the relationship board!

This post would be seen as totally wrong on the RB yet here its completely normal.

btw, I'm 100% on the completely normal side!!

Lyn397 · 20/02/2025 18:15

I don't think this is completely normal, if by normal you mean the majority of people have this agreement. If though when you say normal you actually mean acceptable, well then you're an adult and are perfectly entitled to consent to it.

Gymbunny2025 · 20/02/2025 18:18

The post is lovely and obviously the question is a bit tongue in cheek (and definitely a stealth boast 😂- I'm teasing)

But on the relationship board where women have been in abusive relationships and literally been raped at night, or coerced into sex when exhausted, I think it's fair enough the literal answer to the OP question may be different in some instances. Or have different boundaries around consent. Although I still think most would take it as lovely