How to move past this

[FattyFattyBooomBoom]

I can only come if I do it myself. I prefer to
come before we have sex- coming while we have sex is too much sensation and I don’t enjoy it as much.

So generally we have foreplay, I touch myself until I come and then we have sex.

Recently while we were in bed, DH asked what I wanted. I said I wanted to come, then we could fuck. He actually tutted. Then said ‘so I have to wait for you’. I was so shocked and upset, we didn’t continue with what we were doing. The next day we spoke about it, he said he was frustrated and likes it when we come
together.

Now I feel like I have clamped shut. I feel embarrassed and annoyed with him. I don’t want to come with him anymore. Yes I have some issues with sex. I don’t know how to move past this. I thought what we had was working well but apparently not. We’ve been married 10 years, together for 16. How can we get past this?

You’ve already acknowledged that it’s your issue. You are not being very fair on your husband here; he’s clearly communicating a desire to be intimate with you and you are shooting him down. That doesn’t mean you have to do whatever he wants, but getting cross with him for saying it is mean!

Being overwhelmed is kind of one of the main points of an orgasm for many people. If that’s not for you tell him that and explain why. Then compromise on an order of events/set of variations that suit you both.

Consider therapy for your issues around sex to be fair to both of you.

I would hate to be tutted at!! Not sexy at all. Did he mean he just wanted to skip foreplay completely? I guess occasionally I'd be ok with that. As long as he was happy to skip his orgasm sometimes too and just focus on me

I completely understand what you mean about it being uncomfortably intense to use my fingers when he's inside me too. Have you ever tried a toy instead? Sometimes I find this ok sometimes not.

I think your response to clamp shut after almost being 'told off' is completely normal btw. I think he owes you an apology

Almost as completely normal as shutting out DH from what he could reasonably expect to be a mutual , participatory exchange? If sex is purely solo
then he may justifiably ask “why do you need me here?”

@FattyFattyBooomBoom you mentioned in your OP that you have some issues with sex. It’s good that you’re aware, but do you know exactly what those issues are and have you spoken with anyone around them?

I would consider sex to include everything from foreplay, including mutual and solo touching. If your definition only involves PIV and you would also expect the woman to orgasm during this or you'd wonder why you were there then I guess you'd be frustrated too!

I think you may have missed why he tutted. He asks you what you want to d, you answer to cum. He will see that as an attack on his prowess, I.e he doesn’t make you cum. Maybe you should attack it differently, maybe say you would like to watch him masturbate while he watches you. One it says you find him sexy and you get yourself off and two he may be able to get some pointers on how you prefer to be stimulated. Men are generally quite insecure about their performance in the bedroom and can shut down if they think they are not doing it for you.

You really should try and sort this issue. I would not be happy having sex with someone who had to come alone before we’d even started; and never together. Otherwise it’s like using someone as a sex toy, never being able to share the joy of an orgasm together (and by that I don’t mean simultaneously). I do feel for your husband here. Surely you can’t be happy or satisfied with your sex life with it being conducted this way?

"I want to orgasm but not with you. When I'm done, we can get round to you" is not something anyone would want to here. That may not be what you meant, but it could easily be what he heard.
There are two sides to this and you'll never resolve it unless both of you are willing to hear the other and work through it together. I'd agree with @NinaOakley: you could do worse than talking to a sex therapist / relationship counsellor both together and separately.

I would assume/hope that the OP is touching herself while she is still kissing/caressing/being caressed by her partner. I doubt he's just lying on the other side of the bed scrolling through his phone 😉. I can understand the partner getting frustrated if this is what has to happen every time they have sex, so there needs to be a bit of compromise. OP, can't you involve DH by guiding him to touch you or having him put his hand over yours? Can he get you off via oral?

It is very normal for women to need clitoral or oral stimulation to orgasm and the concept of "she comes first" is also very normal. Reacting in the way your DH did was very insensitive and I can understand why you now feel embarrassed and hesitant to have sex, knowing he is resentful of what you need in order to cum. It's your body and it's not for him to tell you how to orgasm, but please talk to him and try to involve him more so he doesn't feel left on the sideline. Accept that in order to maintain a healthy sex life there will need to be times when you go without an orgasm, but if you still find you can only cum by you touching yourself then that's something he also needs to accept and it's not a reflection on him.

OP, we are each responsible for our own orgasms and sex is about what works for you. There is more to sex than penetration. He is neglecting the fact that the main female sex organ is the clitoris.

There is something quite special about being held and perhaps caressed as we take ourselves to climax and he needs to understand this.

Aside from that, how do you respond to oral?

To conclude, tutting at an intimate time destroys everything. It’s time to talk to resplve this issue.

Whilst all you say is valid, we don't know that the OP's partner is ignoring her clit. Is the OP comfortable with her DP maturating her? She mentions foreplay, but not what that means for them.

And whilst tutting destroys an intimate moment, the word "No" is equally destructive. I was on the receiving end of that so often that I became sexually passive and it catalysed the end of my marriage.

@mnmnddddd - Although l think the first point mentioned is valid, from my experience there are very few men who can get the pressure and the motion spot on.

Assuming they both enjoy the penetrative aspect, l see no reason why the partner cannot go with what works for the OP.

@StarlightLady Surely that's because you have a neurological feedback loop when you masturbate that is absent when they do it for you? I dare say most men can get themselves off quicker on their own too, for the same. Unless they have PE. 🤣

What works for the OP may be in her own hands. What works for her DP maybe giving her the orgasm. To me, neither should take absolute priority. For me, the best part of sex is actively giving my partner pleasure, even if that's accompanied by my own mind-melting orgasm. Being shut out of that - not being allowed to give your partner pleasure - is utterly sole destroying.

Completely agree @StarlightLady. It's no wonder there is still the orgasm gap and women are faking if poster after poster is telling this poor woman she's doing it wrong (for 16 years!!). Good grief. And yes there's room to explore/experiment/evolve with her partner. But TUTTING at her because she said she wants to cum?! I would not respond well to that at all 😂