He can't last

[PoppyRoseBucky]

I feel awful writing this.

I've been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years. We're both in our thirties, and overall, it feels like a very happy, stable relationship. Except I don't want to have sex with him.

God, that sounds awful and I feel horrible. I love him, I do, but whenever we have sex, it feels like he's so focused on trying not to finish too quickly that it's not really enjoyable.

If I ask him to go harder or faster, he just says he can't or he'll finish. So, it's quite boring and bland. In the end, he ends up finishing quickly anyway.

Then, that's it. Once he's done, it's done. I know he's self-conscious about how quickly it happens, and it's not something he can entirely help. I just don't know where to go from here. Everything else in the relationship feels good-we get on amazing, have lots in common, are very compatible in other ways, but this...

Sex isn't everything. I know that, but I also know that it's a pretty big part of happy relationships and I'd be a fool to ignore it.

I just don't know how to "fix" it. Is it something that can improve with time and practice? Is it just a case of let him have it the first time and then try again later and see if he lasts better then?

Or is this just the way that he is and that's that? I've found myself fixating on a male celebrity "crush" just to "cope." Obviously not delusional there-but it's something to focus on that is safe as I still have a sex drive, but it's just waning with him. I feel so bad.

Hi

It's going to be pretty hard to face into this, but I think you should talk to him about and look to see a fully qualified sex therapist.

I think I was the man in this situation about 15 years ago, we never talked about it, never mind fixed it, and its led to a world of problems. Everything else was good, but this element eats away at the rest of the relationship. I knew at the time I wanted to talk about it, address is, and fix it, and just couldn't myself.

I think if you can handle it with love and care, make sure he doesn't feel like he's faulty, that's its not unusual and you just want to see if there's anything you can do that can make the relationship, and that element stronger and better.

It definitely can be worked on and improved, but it's going to hard to face into (he will be embarrassed about it I'm sure). The alternative I don't think will work for you long time

best of luck, I hope you can work it out together.

There are delay creams and sprays, also condoms that do that job. But alcohol can help (not too much) but I would say the best solution to this is a relatively quick (excuse the pun) round 2. After he’s cum keep it sensual and as soon as he’s ready go again

I'm a man with the same issue. Try working with it rather than against it. My ex was brilliant at this...

Basically she'd get me off orally first, then we'd move onto foreplay and build-up to getting her off. By the time she'd finished I'd be really excited again and we could move onto penetration at which point I'd last much longer as I'd already finished once. It was great!

I do feel for him. But to me sex should be fun and always having to focus on an issue would be the opposite of fun!

I'd find someone I was sexually compatible with personally

The obvious solution would be for him to orgasm and then go again 10-15 mins later, with far lower sensitivity levels. An added advantage of this is that on the first go, when he knows he’s got carte blanche to orgasm as soon as his body wants him to, the removal of anxiety around it may actually result in him lasting longer anyway.

Has he tried those condoms with the gel to make him last longer? They are a mild anaesthetic.

Have you tried two rounds? Maybe a round 1 where you make him climax in whatever way works for you, followed by a break, followed by a round 2 with more traditional PIV? Round 1 doesn't need to be only about him - he can use toys on you or whatever else works for both of you.