Can we make sex work for me, should I put up or is it time to leave?

[FallingInReverse]

I’ve been with my husband around a decade. We’ve never been fantastic sexually together and lack that chemistry (in my opinion).

We met not long after I lost my mum. I’d been using sex as a way of avoiding the grief I think, and come to the realisation one of these one night type guys would probably kill me and if not none of them was a good choice of partner for long term, kids, etc - which I wanted.

On paper DH is a great guy. Smart, funny, articulate, mostly pulls his weight at home and with the kids. We have a lovely home and life that at the moment (young kids) he primarily funds (I’m mostly at home with the youngest). I’d be insane to blow our family apart over sex.

BUT

the sex thing has always nagged at me. Recently I met someone and had that chemistry with him. It’s not a DH or new guy question. I haven’t and won’t pursue him. It’s a this guy reminded me of all the desire I thought I’d buried and left behind in my past.

How do I make peace with this?

I think DH would be open to trying something new but we tried it a bit early in our relationship and he just can’t do/isn’t comfortable with the dom type stuff I crave

or is this a sign i need to talk about ending my marriage, a step that feels monumentally selfish?

I almost wish one of us was having an affair so it could be a cleaner decision

Communication is critical. From what you wrote, it seems that you have lost intimacy with your husband. You should communicate your needs to him, but it is best not to do it in a nagging way. Opening up the discussion can be difficult, but you could try asking him what arouses him the most and ask about his needs. That would open things up to allow you to tell him what you need. Also, sex therapists help to lead couples back to intimacy. You might consider seeing a sex therapist.

No one here can give you an answer to the question whether or not to leave your marriage over sexual incompatibility.
I also don't think it warrants a simple yes/no answer. It all comes down to how much value you attach to sex and how badly you're affected by the lack of sexual chemistry.
And though people may not understand or agree with your feelings, that doesn't really matter. This is your life and you should live it your way.

I do wonder whether your husband knows how you're feeling. Really knows how much this is impacting you and that you're even thinking of leaving him over it. You describe him as a good man, so maybe he deserves to know that the fate of his marriage isn't as certain as he'd think. And maybe he deserves to be included in the thought process.

You come over as rather selfish - just look at the title, making sex work for you - what about making it work for your husband, for the couple?

You need to remember that it takes two to tango, so you’re both complicit in the uninspiring sex.

i guarantee that another woman would light his fire big time, in a way that you evidently can’t.

For his sake, you should leave.

Completely understand your situation, and have a lot of sympathy for you. As others have said there is no yes / no answer available to you, it is completely your choice, and you have to understand your feelings. Are your desires strong enough that you can't work around or ignore them? Is it going to ultimately make you resentful and destroy the relationship?

The first step is to understand your feelings, think about what scenario would make you happy, then talk, talk to your DH, tell him how you feel and why and what you need from him.
If you think after talking there is a way forward take it. Give it time. Keep talking and ultimately reassess. I really wish you the best of luck with this. X

You said you had previously tried things that your husband was not comfortable with , I’m guessing that was some time ago . We all develop and expand our sexual appetite as we grow into a relationship and trust also plays a huge part in this journey .
I’m assuming you having regular sex just not the type you desire and I’m guessing you want to explore the sub / dom side which can be hugely exciting but also daunting for some , I would personally tell him how aroused you be and how much this means to you .
You could start by saying how much you love having sex with him but you regularly mastrubate thinking of other things he could do to you , this will definitely get his attention.

Lovely post above. Just to add BDSM is just not for some people, I just couldn't take it seriously and would give me the ick, so I think be prepared for him to say no to that. Would switching it up with who is 'leading' work instead though?